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Original poster

Mixed messages.......going nuts

326 replies

A1980 · 19/12/2012 15:53

Supposed to be on "a break" with bf. I know I know it probably spells the end.

He has a lot of issue: unemployment, illness etc.

I expected no contact but so far I've had texts every week calling my by his special nicknames for me and most recently a card and present left at my office for Christmas with a note in the card saying lets trust 2013 is a great year.

had enough of mixed messages

wwyd?!

OP posts:
Dottiespots · 01/01/2013 01:36

In my job I have found over the years that New Years Eve is the time when there are the most suicide calls A.

Dottiespots · 01/01/2013 01:37

And why do you think tht if you had kept quiet all this would have never happened. Do you think that maybe he was just looking for an excuse to end things and if it wasnt your "getting angry " with him it could have been something else.

Dottiespots · 01/01/2013 01:40

What do you think he has been doing these last few weeks A. Do you think he has been sitting at home?

Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 01:43

My getting angry was quite uncalled for and out of the blue. I had bottled yp my feelings and so it was news to him. I would have been bloody shocked and hurt to be on the receiving end of it.

Quite possibly at home. no job bad leg. remember.

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FaffTastic · 01/01/2013 01:58

Butting in on this thread A1 to say if he really loved you and wanted to be with you things wouldn't have ended because you lost your temper and expressed issues you were unhappy with. If he wanted to be with you he would have discussed them and tried to work things through with you. Maybe not immediately, but soon enough after.

I say this as someone in an almost identical situation. I was pissed off with someone who I had been seeing for 5 months and he just blanked me and refused to discuss or try to resolve things. This was at the end of November. Since then he's been sending texts, blowing hot and cold, hot enough to still keep me dangling but cold enough to make me realise he's really just not that into me.

It's hit me incredibly hard. I've had long term relationships end, even my marriage ffs, that didn't seem to hit me as hard as this.

I've taken days off work, days where I have spent all day in bed, acted like a zombie with friends/family. I know it's pathetic.

All I will say, is that although he is on my mind nearly constantly I am reaching the stage where I know he's not worth it and I actually don't want to be with someone like that. I'm still finding it a struggle to let go but I know that I will

I guess I'm just trying to say, hang in there, resist all contact and it WILL get better xxx

Dottiespots · 01/01/2013 02:01

No it wasnt uncalled for, why do you think that you dont have the right to say how you feel. We all have the right to express our feelings especially if we have kept them bottled up. You had listened to him and put up with his stuff for ages so he should also be an adult and be prepared to hear how you feel with out ending things with you. He is a grown up too. Please please stop making excuses for him. You are making excuses for him again and again. And how can you know he was at home all this time. Does it not occur to you that he could be out enjoying himself maybe even with another woman. Im sorry but he could be and if that doesnt make you feel angry then it should cause I dont think for a minute that he is sitting there brooding. This is the image you have in your head of him and it might not be the correct one. I know I dont know what he is doing either but I somehow dont think he is sitting brooding. Hes probably gone out for a good time. And your wasting your energy and emotions thinking he is this perfect man who is misunderstood and innocent. Hes not.

Dottiespots · 01/01/2013 02:04

And Faff that is what i and many many others on this and another post have been trying to say to this lovely lovely lady. The simplicity of the fact that if he loved her he would be with her. End of. Hes just not into her and that is the fact and anything else is just all in her imagination. And hes not worth it.

Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 02:04

Its good to know I'm not alone. my downfall was that I just hinted at the problems got a lukewarm response and then blew up. I ought to have gone for it and said we need to talk and really had it out.

What happened to you....who dumped who dumped& how long has it been?

I don't get it either....I had a 3 year relationship break up and it didn't hit me this hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 02:10

Angel I'm pming you...

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FaffTastic · 01/01/2013 02:17

Been there done that with him - hinted at problems, tentatively discussed, nothing changed. I blew and indicated that I pretty much wanted to end it .... Then backtracked madly, pretty much pleaded for another chance, but he was having none of it.

Since then - same story - he's been sending friendly texts using my nickname etc. He's upped the ante since I ignored his Xmas day text and sent a letter trying to explain his shitty behaviour

Still texting daily, but never saying that he wants to be with me. I sent him a text earlier saying to stop contacting me, that I wanted to start 2013 afresh and now he suddenly wants to talk tomorrow. Yet he didn't respond to my NYE text.

I am nothing but an ego stroke to this man now. He doesn't want me in his life but he wants me to want him in my life.

If these men liked us and wanted to be with us, regardless of any issues they might have blah blah, they would make damn sure that we knew they liked us. Would you keep someone dangling and make them feel like shit if you cared? NO.

I have no idea why this has hit me so hard but I'm wise to his conscious or subconscious games now. He's not going to make me feel insecure and like shit anymore. Neither should yours.

The start of 2013 is a brilliant opportunity to wipe the slate clean, shake the cobwebs off, wash him out of our hair. I am NOT entiring 2013 feeling like I have done in the latter part of 2012.

Don't let him make you feel this way. You can do it darling xx

AndrewMyrrh · 01/01/2013 02:22

Hey A, happy new year. Onwards and upwards? Smile

Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 02:22

What was in his letter then?

Sure there's no chance for you?

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FaffTastic · 01/01/2013 02:38

No, no chance. I'd love there to be but i dont think he wants to and my self respect is starting to kick in now aswell. His letter was just wishy washy words, trying to make excuses for himself to appease his own guilt. Oh it said what a wonderful person he thought i was blah blah but he never said that he wanted to be with me, wanted to fix things.

The letter smacks of him feeling that I'm starting to walk away rather than dangle and want to be with him - I feel he sent the letter to try and still keep me hanging. Just like your one is doing but keeping contact.

Deep down I know, if he wanted to be with me he would say. Would you not? I know I would - if someone meant that much to me, if it meant loosing them when I wanted to be with them, I would frigging well say and do what it takes. The fact that your man, and mine, isn't doing that, means they don't want to be with us. They're just using us as an ego boost. Harsh but true.

I feel like every ounce of me misses him but I know I deserve better so he can go fuck himself with his non commital contact. I am determined he's not going to invade anymore of my head space and stop me from functioning and living life any longer. You can do it too. Small steps but we'll get there :) x

Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 02:47

Why don't you just ask him what the Fuck he's doing? Make him explain.

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FaffTastic · 01/01/2013 02:54

I'm not hear to post about me tbh. I have asked obviously and I've got a whole heap of indecisiveness. If he wanted to be with me he'd just flipping well say. The same with your bloke. The point is, as hard as it is to take, they don't want to be with us but still want to invade our head and heart space which is soul destroying,

It's been killing me but I'm determined that I'm not going to give him that power anymore. Please do the same x

Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 02:59

My doesn't but yours might.

I've been in two minds about guys before. not sure. didn't mean I didn't want them.

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FaffTastic · 01/01/2013 03:09

This thread is about making you feel like there is a future without this loser in your live :) If someone loved you and wanted to be with you they would hate the thought that you were hurting and struggling, not thrive on that thought for the sake of their own ego.

I have no idea why the end of a short relationship has hit me so hard, just like I'm sure you don't either. For some reason I decided to base my future around him in my head, I feel as if I've no future now even though I'm actually quite an independent person. The rational part of me knows I wouldn't want a future with someone who can treat me like this. Nor do you. Clutch onto that thought - we may be hurting, but your future is actually better off without him - you deserve better, you really really do.

FaffTastic · 01/01/2013 03:10

Excuse the typos - been on the booze Grin

Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 03:12

I don't think he knows how hurt I am I acted like I was cool with it.

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FaffTastic · 01/01/2013 03:17

Sorry if you've already said this but have you actually told him that you still want to be with him? That balls to 'the break' you want a relationship with him and he needs to let you know one way or the other - end it with you & stop contacting you or be with you properly?

Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 03:20

No. I've not said anything. just been as non committal ad him since it started.

just told him.not to expect me to chase or wait for him.

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Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 13:06

I know fafftastic ....short lived though it may have been this was the first guy I saw a future with and he apparently saw one with me. Even two weeks before it happened he was mentioning holidays etc with me.

that's why it's so hard to deal with. in terms of telling him balls to.the break I still want to be with him....I fail to see the point now and I am too hurt and fragile to do it now. I am getting increasingly angry and want to write to him on that vein but there is no point.

OP posts:
Dottiespots · 01/01/2013 20:14

Have you read "Hes just not that into you" or get yourself a copy of "The Rules" the dating guide for keeping your self esteem.

Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 20:53

I done like the rules.....its just game playing and being difficult for no reason.

Don't accept a weekend date after a wednesdsy for example.....why not? I like impromptu.......

OP posts:
Original poster
A1980 · 01/01/2013 21:09

I didn't need to do the rules.....because I didn't need to pretend I was unavailable and play hard to get....I WAS unavailable a lot of the time.

This is why I can't understand it. I went to the gym 3 times a week, saw a friend at least one evening a week, had work functions & drinks a lot of the time. Thru the whole relationship I was out of the house from early morning to often after 9pm. I never once chased him, asked where he was or with whom, demanded he sacrifice his plans for me etc. we were both independent people.

I don't need a book to tell me how not to depend on a guy, I already lived a full life without one. I just got a little concerned when his problems kicked in and I guess he just wanted to deal with it his own way. I think the end bit wad my fault.

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