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Original poster

Mixed messages.......going nuts

326 replies

A1980 · 19/12/2012 15:53

Supposed to be on "a break" with bf. I know I know it probably spells the end.

He has a lot of issue: unemployment, illness etc.

I expected no contact but so far I've had texts every week calling my by his special nicknames for me and most recently a card and present left at my office for Christmas with a note in the card saying lets trust 2013 is a great year.

had enough of mixed messages

wwyd?!

OP posts:
Original poster
A1980 · 30/12/2012 20:52

Had a bad day.....got up at midday and never got dressed. When will this end.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 30/12/2012 20:55

It will end. It's good to have a few pyjamas days.

One day very soon, you will be very tired and bored of thinking about this man and you will find that it'll have been at least three hours since he crossed your mind.

Maybe you should write a book about your experiences with him. It could at the very least be cathartic and at best, be a top seller!

Original poster
A1980 · 30/12/2012 21:14

I hope so.......

What I want to happen is that he realises what he's done & calls me begging.......

Other than that I won't be happy

OP posts:
Original poster
A1980 · 30/12/2012 21:17

I would hope he's still thinking of me everyday too

OP posts:
Allergictoironing · 30/12/2012 21:26

A1980 he isn't thinking of you at all, he doesn't give a flying one about you, and he's never going to come begging. The only reason he would come back would be to use you as a convenient shag, then he'd do it all over again & you'd be heartbroken again.

I know that sounds a bit cruel of me, but read back over the more than 8 pages of this thread & see that just about everyone here is saying the same thing. I'm not normally one to be quite this blunt, but whenever anyone here has said the same thing in a more gentle manner you haven't seemed to take it in Sad

I also think you really need to consult someone about depression, as even a massive breakup after many years (and your romance has been less than a year ISTR?) don't usually lead to a week of sobbing & not even getting dressed - those sound more like depression symptoms to me.

Dottiespots · 30/12/2012 21:31

Hi A......Like Winky says....one day youll realise that youve not thought of him for half an hour , then it will be an hour then longer. And he will start to invade your thoughts less and less. And who knows what hes thinking.

Original poster
A1980 · 30/12/2012 21:34

I know i know......I do know its hopeless but don't want to believe it.

That isn't true btw.....many of my friends have been through it. My GP said that she's seen people lose over a stone after a long relationship ended.

I am completely in love and that's why its so hard. it was less than a year which is why it was still burning brightly for me. none of this Would've happened if he hadn't lost his job or been in hospital for nearly a month.

A break up has never affected me like this before because there have been other woman, don't love each other.

When we were alone any doubt I had was ripped away. he was the kindest and sweetest. its so hard to accept that circumstances drove us apart.......

But me being unwell isn't helping.

feel free to be blunt. I'm not offended.

OP posts:
Chaoscarriesonagain · 30/12/2012 21:39

OP, I left a mixed man 2 days ago. Although the decision wasn't mine, and it was extremely hard and messy I urge you to now be honest with yourself.

I was in denial, holding onto the good times. They were do clouded by his mixed behaviour. My head is a mess trying to understand the how and the why. Please don't do it to yourself a minute longer.

accept that this is who he is and that you need more. We allow ourselves to settle because at times we think its the east option, we can't do any better, and that we love them and they love us.

I know how hard it is - I am really struggling. I urge you to take control now before you regret it at another date. It is inevitable it will happen again. At least you can take charge and have the dignity. I wish I did!!

Good luck! X

Allergictoironing · 30/12/2012 21:39

Phew, I read my post back after I'd hit post, and realised it was VERY blunt - so I'm glad you haven't taken it the wrong way Blush.

Are you at the stage yet where you could try getting angry at him, for what he's put you through?

Chaoscarriesonagain · 30/12/2012 21:43

Hey OP everything you say about love and the dealing with the break up awfully is exactly me to this second. but it's now or some time dodn the line and there's never going to be an easy time.

Please PM me if you feel you want to discuss the harder bits. I can tell you they are hellish... I've not eaten or slept. But logic and sense is slowly prevailing. I lost touch with who I was and I became an emotional mess with his behaviour in the end; crying all the time.

You have to ask, is this what you want for yourself?

WinkyWinkola · 30/12/2012 21:45

Ironically, he would only come begging when you get back to your vibrant, string independent self.

Then would you really let him pull you down again to the depths of misery?

WinkyWinkola · 30/12/2012 21:46

strong not string

Chaoscarriesonagain · 30/12/2012 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chaoscarriesonagain · 30/12/2012 21:53

Bollocks, wrong thread. I am chaos! But it's still broadly relevant !

Original poster
A1980 · 30/12/2012 22:09

Allergic don't worry.... I know you're trying to be kind by being blunt. My parents have said worse to me and have actually criticised my hand in it too.

In terms of the stages of grief, I have already done denial, i have been crazy angry at him already but now I am stuck in sadness...... which is the hardest bit.

Realistically if he did come back, I know I probably couldn't do it as I would live in fear of it ever happening again. Being told he didn't think he loved me anymore and the rest had broken my heart.

Chaos... the mixed messages only began after we went on a break/break up... whatever the hell happened.

Before that, there was never any doubt in my mind about him. He was great. He called, he was kind, he prioritised our time time together, made me feel so special. if we had disagreements, we talked it out, etc.

Towards the end, the calls dwindled and I didn't know the strain he was under. We went abroad for a few days which rekindled everything and again all my insecurities were taken away by how he was with me. But a week after we got back, his knee went and he was in hospital for over 3 weeks. That was it, the hospital was nowhere near where I work or live and it was hard to visit, ditto when he got out. I had run out of annual leave. He was too weak and tired to speak on the phone when I got home from work. We grew apart, totally and he was depressed and shocked at what had happened to him. It all began to fall apart then and all of my insecurity came tumbling out at the worst time which upset him. What did I expect after all he went through.

This is why it's hard to accept. Other breaks ups, well one wasnt another woman...fine. One I didn't love him after a few months, etc etc. None have affected me so. As it was external factors that caused us to be pushed apart and I can see exactly when it happened coinciding with his problems starting.

But it's hopeless I guess. It still happened. Even if he came back, I would be living on a knife edge wondering if it ever happened again and I don't think I could do it. I guess I'll just be haunted by those two most terrible worlds for a while.....What if?

OP posts:
Snazzyfeelingfestive · 30/12/2012 22:13

You love the idea of who he was but he's shown you he's not that person. He's not worthy of you. Keep moving forward, bear with the pain while you heal. It will get better.

Original poster
A1980 · 30/12/2012 22:16

He was that person until his world collapsed and fell apart around him.

He would still be that person if it hadn't happened.

But it happened to him... no undoing it.

OP posts:
CabbageLeaves · 30/12/2012 23:01

Things happen OP.... All the time, things happen. Your relationship didn't survive and would not cope with other things.

This is probably why he's never had a long relationship

Original poster
A1980 · 30/12/2012 23:12

I know cabbage leaves. But I have to say his things happneing were pretty extrordinary.

He had never lost his job, had his knee be badly injured and endure two family deaths all in the space of 2-3 months beofre. He had been stable for 10 years before this.

I don't know how I would cope with all that happening to me at the same time. I think he could have coped with any one of the things happeneing but all three together is a bit much for anyone. But the difference that makes is what?! Nothing Sad

OP posts:
Dottiespots · 30/12/2012 23:18

The truth still remains though A, that he just didnt love you enough. If he did he would be with you....it really is that simple. Men dont tell you the truth bluntly instead they say that they want to take a break. It means the same thing though....in the end.

Original poster
A1980 · 30/12/2012 23:48

Yeah break instigated by me losing my temper a little.

It was all my fault.

OP posts:
Dottiespots · 31/12/2012 00:18

NO that is not true at all. He didnt break up with you cause of anything you did really, it just highlighted to him that he wasnt in love with you enough to continue. It had run its natural course before you lost your temper. If he was in love with you he would need you with him now when he is at his worse. But his friend dying and his knee injury just brought home the fact that he didnt love you enough to be with you. If he loved you he would be with you and would phone you and text you all the time. You losing your temper would not have affected him that much. You have to try and understand that HE JUST DOESNT LOVE YOU. Its that simple.

Original poster
A1980 · 31/12/2012 00:26

So why did he cry and say why did I get caught up that day, this would never have happened. He was in tears over it.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 31/12/2012 00:39

OP, I ve beenr eading your thread and i agree with you that it's not all clear cut (like many postres suggest) - I suggest, just leave it to him, if it's meant to be it will be. He did have a horrendous few months but I still think that he wouldn't have mentioned a positive 2013 just like that - it may NOT happen of course, but can you just leave it be and distract by going out and doing things, exercise helps low mood etc. If he recovers and feels that he loves you he will very soon let you know, but if not then obviously he is not right for you - feelings can change, and also of he is weak in character you wouldn't want him long term tbh. Has he been silent now? if he texts just don't reply - he thinks you are there at the click og his fongers, if he does want you he will make more effort than the texting. But atm do nothing and just look after yourself.

likeatonneofbricks · 31/12/2012 00:41

sorry for typos!