Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

You are not 'in his life' you are in his bed. Big difference. If you were properly 'in his life' you would need to deal with the fall out of the actions of both of you both emotional, practical, financial. He would be negotiating visitation rights with children, you would be dealing with resentful kids that hate you, you both would be dealing with him living in a shitty little flat and having no money, your kids would be embarrassed by you... the lists goes on.

Is there an element of 'this time, I was chosen, I wasn't the one being cheated on' except your not, he's cheating on you with his wife. He will still be sleeping with her. If you love him so much, how do you deal with that?

Basically you are still with a man that cheats on you, just because you know about it doesn't make it any different. You may as well have stuck with your ex.

The man is married. It cannot be the perfect marriage or he would not have you on the side. You are now making his life perfect. Nice wife, mother to his kids, all rosey, shag on the side, even better.
It is a no hoper.
He will have more affairs, not matter what you think.
Concentrate on your kids for the time being, and someone decent will come along. Who is single.
Stop acting so damn desperate. There are many single women who just get on with the job of raising their kids. Your time will come. You do not have to have this man in your life.
Who is an anrsehole, to you, his wife and his kids.

Of course he isnt an ego boost !

The first one wasnt attached, he just wasnt for me, it was me who wasnt ready, having come out of my marriage so suddenly.

I have dated other men (dated, not slept with) with the full knowledge of the man I am seeing, he was (is) jealous, but admits he has no right over me. If I found a distraction big enough it might be easier to walk away, but if it was easy to walk away then I would have done it a long time ago.

You thinking about him all the time is what you makes you not a good mother. He is taking time from your children that you should be giving to them.

I knoww how it feels to be infatuated with someone and for them to take too much of your time. I also know you can allow yourself to carry on being so immature as to think you are living loves young dream or grow up and finish this awful mess.

Why do you need to have another man waiting to walk away from this twat? You are choosing to stay with him. Admit it.

he's cheating on you with his wife. He will still be sleeping with her. - not necessarily true, I do believe Only that he is passionate about her.

I protested at the rank disrespect, being treated like an object, and my H never came near me. He really was consumed with desire for her. I was the usefull household appliance that kept his family together and his obligation. . Such pain and humiliation, I wish I had been braver and kicked him out.

But Only's wife really does know that something is wrong, and she is worrying and unhappy. I would put my house on that.

'Stop acting so damn desperate. There are many single women who just get on with the job of raising their kids'

ouch !

Im sure there are many women who do just that and hats off to them! I would rather make the most of myself whilst I am in my prime, in my opinion you can still have fun and raise your kids well :-)

'he's cheating on you with his wife. He will still be sleeping with her. - not necessarily true, I do believe Only that he is passionate about her.

I protested at the rank disrespect, being treated like an object, and my H never came near me. He really was consumed with desire for her. I was the usefull household appliance that kept his family together and his obligation. sad. Such pain and humiliation, I wish I had been braver and kicked him out.

But Only's wife really does know that something is wrong, and she is worrying and unhappy. I would put my house on that'

I am not delusionally thinking he is not sleeping with his wife. He definitely was when we first met and I can only presume he still is now, I havent asked, but he is not pretending anything to me.

Abit I am sorry for what you are going through

yes, but you are acting desperate. As if you have to have a partner. No you don't you have not been on your own 5 mins. Let yourself get a bit of a breather, then you will find someone. No need to have to have one right now.

But Only, you're not "making the most of yourself", by being with another woman's husband, you are making the very least of yourself - can you not see that?

'Why do you need to have another man waiting to walk away from this twat? You are choosing to stay with him. Admit it'

Of course I am choosing to carry on with him, nobody has a gun to my head.

And I dont need another man to walk away from him, what I said was that if something amazing came along it might be easier!

OP Maybe you could think about why you posted originally?

I don't think you want advice.

You wanted to offload.

You have siad that you cannot live without him, that you can't stop this, that you don't want to stop it.

Okay.

Carry on as you are then.

There is a huge amount of pseud-psychology here from people who are re-hashing what they have read or been told themselves in counselling.

Ignore all of that.

Just do nothing. Absolutely nothing. (I am being serious, not ironic.)

The something will change one day.

Either his wife will find out, or he wil tell you its over when the endorphines wear off and the guilt hits home. Or you will get fed up of being the other woman.... and demand more which he most likely won't give, and you will walk away.

Just do nothing- time will be your answer.

You need to cut him out. How are you being a present mother for your children if you are constantly preoccupied with this man? Abitwobbly is right - it's addiction. Go cold turkey and seek some counselling. Deal with it for what it is - not love, addiction.

And your "fun" is at another family's expense.

Op, did it ever occur to you that you are a selfish skank?

Im sure there are many women who do just that and hats off to them! I would rather make the most of myself whilst I am in my prime, in my opinion you can still have fun and raise your kids well :-)

Ugh. You sound like a dick.

'yes, but you are acting desperate. As if you have to have a partner. No you don't you have not been on your own 5 mins. Let yourself get a bit of a breather, then you will find someone. No need to have to have one right now. '

I have been on my own for over a year :-) nobody knows that I have had either partner except me.

Who am I acting desperate to?

You are coming across as a selfish person now and very silly.

You want to make the most of yourself = you want to get fucked as much as possible before you lose what looks you think you have.

Why did you post, seriously? You choose to stay with him so what is the issue? What is the mess?

Or did you want people to say well done, you must be so amazing to get a married man to fuck you as well as looking after your kids on your own?

Grow up.

'Ugh. You sound like a dick'

for not wanting to put a pinny on and stand by the kitchen sink?

I am quite capable of raising my kids and thinking about myself as well

Turning off the feeling is hard. I tried many times over many years. The only realistic way is to have no contact, ignores the calls and texts, the flowers and declarations of love. But I know it's hard.

MM and I were split for longer than you've even been with yours before I started to get over him. I never truly will be. Not because I still love him but it's difficult to appreciate just how wrong I was about someone - as I said I believed we had something special. It was never just about the sex, we spent a lot of time just doing stuff- he told me being with me was like having a best mate that he couldn't keep his hands off.

Anyway leaving is tough but I feel infinitely better to be moving on

Why do you need a man so much?

OP- what do you want anyone here to say?

You are defending yourself all the time.

You don't want advice, despite what you say.

You want sympathy.

You have come to the wrong place- you knew that all along right from your first post.

Either you leave this man alone, end it- or you carry on.

Tell me- what is wrong with option 2? You have said quite clearly that you cannot end it- so what's your problem?

'You are coming across as a selfish person now and very silly.

You want to make the most of yourself = you want to get fucked as much as possible before you lose what looks you think you have.

Why did you post, seriously? You choose to stay with him so what is the issue? What is the mess?

Or did you want people to say well done, you must be so amazing to get a married man to fuck you as well as looking after your kids on your own?

Grow up. '

What a lovely thing to say :-)

My God. You really are something.

Desperate to yourself. Look at you! Thinking you have to take another woman's husband.

Take a moment and think if you found out that this wonderful shag, was shagging someone else? How would you feel? Imagine that sick feeling? That is what you will be putting his wife through, and you care not.

I have been single for years, never been happier, I don't need to have a partner. I have no time or inclination all the while I have my dc to raise. They'll be gone one day, and if someone comes along, so be it, but to act like you is ridiculous.