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Original poster

Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

526 replies

onlyjustgettingby · 18/12/2012 11:53

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

OP posts:
RabidCarrot · 18/12/2012 21:47

So your husband took up with dirty skanks who slept with a married man and you lost respect for him Xmas Hmm

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:48

wow Af I said nothing of the sort, it seems to me that you don't like people having a difference of opinion?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 21:49

pardon, clipped ? I just agreed with you that some people would get your posts, and others wouldn't.

badinage · 18/12/2012 21:50

I'm also having difficulty understanding your sentences Clipped. And you seem to be a bit hard of understanding others' posts too. From what I can gather though, you seem determined to blame wives and bad relationships.........not the men who shag around or their fully complicit shag buddies. We can now see why that might be, of course.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:51

I said if you were happy in something then another thing wouldnt penetrate to such a degree. If it did as in the man wanting a different flavour then you need to look at what you trusted your heart with and not burn the person outside your partnership of two.

Lizzylou · 18/12/2012 21:52

Clipped, a Mother who comes on a parenting forum seeking absolution/acceptance for an affair with a married Father of 3 whilst also proclaiming that her children will never hear the truth about their cheating Father so they don't think bad of him.... weeeell it's just a bit of a mishmash of contradictions and more than a tad disingenuous, no?

Always wanted to use disingenuous on MN.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:55

Hmm, AF you said I was all over the place did you not? which implied i didn't know what I was talking about.

again, badinage, stop jumping in. I said upthread about the men?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 21:58

Clipped, I am sure it makes sense to you < head tilt >

Come on, have a Wine and stop trying to make arguments with people. Your posts are contradictory and not making sense any more.The Op of this thread has long gone and it's Xmas. Nearly.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:59

I am damn well not looking up disingeuous right now...

In a perfect life lizzy we would all marry and have 2.5 kids, it's not a perfect life is it? Do you tell your kids about affairs or inappropriate adult behaviour? In my book you don't.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 22:00

I always wanted to do the < head tilt > thang Xmas Grin

LineRunner · 18/12/2012 22:00

Yes, Chipping I meant Clipped.

badinage · 18/12/2012 22:00

Which is absolute bollocks, in my opinion.

That horrible man you've wasted time with for years would have cheated on anyone regardless of how 'happy' he was in his relationship.

Then there are other men (like the one with OP's in an affair with) who is probably very happy with his much-loved wife, but he's been with her for years and all of a sudden the OP comes along and persuades him that he's a love-god. He doesn't think his wife will find out, the OP isn't placing any demands on him and he gets to have a little adventure with no-one the wiser. He can tell the OP he loves her, that his feelings are strong - all the time knowing that she'll never call him on it and he'll have to pick up the tab.

He's not unhappy. He's just selfish and met someone to have an affair with who was equally selfish.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 22:02

Im fighting a lost cause then Grin

The thread was awful to read for her it really was.

Kind head tilt Wine

coocooItsSoddingXmasAlready · 18/12/2012 22:02

Talk about double standards! What sort of reception did the OP think she would get here??

You don't screw around with other women's husbands FFS. Given the OP's history, you'd think she'd know better.

The only way this could ever be acceptale clipped is if all parties concerned were aware of all the facts and all accepting. The fact that OP doesn't intend to disclose her exH's deeds to the kids doesn't mean she can abdicate any responsibility from the blatant affair she is having with a MARRIED man. This isn't eactly a grey area here.

Lizzylou · 18/12/2012 22:04

Clipped, I didn't have to be told about affairs, no.
I knew all about them at aged 7.

Which was my exact point. The children will know. The wife will find out. This is not a "no strings love affair".

Spero · 18/12/2012 22:04

I really don't understand the difficulty here.

you don't lie to someone who loves and trusts you. You don't take up their precious time, preventing them from having an honest and loving relationship with someone else because you are selfish, cowardly and weak. If you are not happy in a relationship, you try to make changes or you end it.

I will say that to anyone's face because I believe it absolutely; I have and lost a friend over it. But I was so sad to see her throwing herself away on a married scumbag who said he would leave his wife when the youngest child was 18! (youngest child was 11 at the time....)

Now I am older and wiser I might try to phrase it more diplomatically if I cared about the person, but the underlying message would be the same.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 22:05

Then it wouldnt be an affair would it coocoo Grin

it takes two to tango huh. People that have stuff done to them tend to repeat it??????????????

Itwasntmemum · 18/12/2012 22:08

Clipped, I think there's a difference in somebody saying that they know they're doing wrong by someone else ( ie: his wife and children) and asking for help rather than just out and out saying that they're having an affair but that they don't think about the wife really and that they're getting what they want so who's being hurt?

Yes, he is in the wrong but he has said that he loves his wife and won't leave and no, that is far, far from ok but I read that people were asking her why she would want this? It's obvious why he does - it's on a plate. Whether the marriage was in a bad place or not when she came along, she knew he was married and there are some women who like a challenge or feel they can prove something by going after married men. As there are married men who will always take something on the side if it is offered, they are both as bad as each other.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 22:11

would i loose a friend over an affair.. no way.

would i have an affair now.. no way.

i wouldnt have an affair purely because I am worth more.

i do however feel empathy for people that don't think that.

coocooItsSoddingXmasAlready · 18/12/2012 22:13

erm yes.. that's my point: Affair = bad, Open relationship where everyone on the same page = good (if that's what you're after).

Again:

Affair = Bad
Open relationship = Good (if you need someone other than only your wife to make your marriage work).

No excuses just because you've been through the mill. In fact, IMO you're expected to know better. Unless you've then become so bitter and twisted that you just want to visit the same pain on some poor unsuspecting wife/mother.

Yes the DH may go and do it with some one else anyway, that's their problem, you don't have to enable that behaviour. This is not a victimless act just because the OP doesn't want the DH to leave his wife.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 22:16

Of course the OP has blame, she knows that, thats why she is said and probably very cross with herself.

Theres a big BUT here and it's this man is a fucking arsehole of the highest order. Let's not forget that.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 22:17

sad, not said by the way

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 22:21

To be able to operate in the world of loving your wife and wanting a bit on the side is a mysoginistic way to go. Its self entitled stuff that makes me want to kick his head in (metaphorically speaking of course). It makes me want to shake the OP and tell her this. I don't however want to vent my splean on her. The perpertrator in this whole scenario is HIM.

Itwasntmemum · 18/12/2012 22:21

I'm not sure what the OP wanted other than to say 'whoopee! Look at me - I've bagged a married man after all the shit I went through but it's ok because he loves his wife and we just have great sex'

I didn't read a lot of sadness or anger in any of her posts - just gloating like she had a dirty secret.

What most people were saying is that everyone could do that IF they wanted to but most choose not to.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 22:23

The OP said she felt like she wanted to kill herself so in my mind it didn't smack of whoopie.