Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

526 replies

onlyjustgettingby · 18/12/2012 11:53

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:00

Oh don't start on me karma. What I'm saying is very to true to how i perceive things and the smiley face was about something totally different to what this thread is actually about.

SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 18/12/2012 21:03

BTW I don't think the OP is coming back.

badinage · 18/12/2012 21:04

I can't be the only one who doesn't understand your recent posts Clipped.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:07

I had an affair, it started when I was 20, I didn't know he was married, but to be fair, at that age would I have cared?

He was the most charismatic, funny sexy man i have ever met, or will ever do. I won't knick the thread or anything, just answering a question. He fucking chased me for near on another 20 years. I told him to piss off a lot. He even named women in china he had sex with (where he ended up working) my name. He had to call them .......

He used to walk out of the door on a friday and go back on a monday, his wife used to enable this, she used to even get his dry cleaning done during the week.

Now, tell me she knew nothing? really? was she in a coma?

Did she quite enjoy the lifestyle or did she love him to the point of madness?

LineRunner · 18/12/2012 21:10

So you did know he was married?

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 21:16

Clipped a 20 year old having an affair with a married man is doing so without really understanding what it means to be married, to put all your love and trust in one person and have all that treated as if it was nothing. I wouldn't compare the 20 year old you to the woman who knows what these things mean and who does it anyway.

Maybe the wife knew, maybe she wasn't in a place where she could acknowledge it, even to herself. Maybe they had an arrangement. Maybe she hoped it would all blow over. Who knows? Chances are she was damaged and hurt by it all.

Most wives though, don't know. Although they may have the nagging sense that something is wrong and eventually they get to a point where they can confront it head on.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:17

At 20? I sort of knew after a few dates that something was odd, and he was lying, yes. Did I care? No. He looked like Nick Naulty (for me it was a lust thing). I, for the next god knows how many years tried to get over my "first love". He'd appear and find out where I was for the next bloody 20 years. It took me until i was 45 to get rid of him. So I know how much someone can be sucked in.

Monty27 · 18/12/2012 21:18

OP you seem to have disappeared. Perhaps you're examining your conscience.

How I'd hate to be that poor woman who's dh, whilst he still loves her, feels the need for a side line shag and has found a willing supplier.

Beggars belief really.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 21:20

clipped, I still don't know what your point is, even after you confirming what some of us had already guessed Sad

that fucked up "relationship" you had proves nothing at all

badinage · 18/12/2012 21:20

Ah, it all makes sense.

Amazing how you describe him in such glowingly positive terms and yet seem keen to describe the wife as either an enabling fool or a conniving wise monkey who was only after his money.

You know nothing about what he told his wife or how he was when he was around her.

He sounds like a misogynist twat and given what you know about him, I wouldn't give someone like this oxygen for 20 seconds, let alone 20 years.....

This is the sexiest man you'll ever know??

Really??

Lizzylou · 18/12/2012 21:24

Clipped, my DH and I have been very happy for years thankyou. I trust him and him me and (to the very best of my knowledge) he has been utterly faithful to me, as I to him.

I come at this from the children's perspective. The op's reluctance to tell her children that her ex had numerous affairs as she didn't want them thinking badly of him. Then going out and pursuing a married man herself. Who is also a selfish dick. With 3 children and a wife. And those children know, or will know. They will.

You seem to be the one who is projecting. 20 yrs as the OW with umpteen chinese women bearing your name??? And implying it is the wife's fault somehow for enabling this??? What the actual fuck?!!!

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:25

I guess at the end of the day what I'm saying is that there are two people in a relationship. An outsider can only penetrate if one of them allows it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 21:28

well, it seems clipped was trying to prove the point that all the people condemning the OP on this thread are women-hating victim blamers and that she was the only one that wasn't

or summat

a bit of an epic fail there Hmm

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 21:28

Yes that is true. The onus should always be on the married person to have appropriate boundaries and to honour their promises to their spouse.

But it still doesn't reflect well on a person who would embark on a relationship with someone else's spouse. If nothing else, they owe the wife common human decency.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:29

I didn't doubt your happiness here lizzy so i dont know why you have to attack me? The OP probably chose not to tell her kids because she knew it would hurt them?

Oh guess what son, dad was a cheater? are you totally sure you would tell them? adult relationships should not be put on young shoulders.

badinage · 18/12/2012 21:30

Yes, but you're implying that the relationship is somehow faulty rather than the 'one who allows it'. Surely you can see that the man you were involved with would have been a dick who abused women regardless of any relationship he was in? He's the faulty one - not his wife or their marriage.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:33

well it proves that people fuck up AF.

I actually see myself as human. Im not an online demigod?

Lizzylou · 18/12/2012 21:34

Clipped the inference very much is that anyone who is telling the OP home truths has been cheated on/is putting up with a cheating spouse. Very much.

True, the Op's "fancy man" is the one who took the vows. But the op is a Mother who knows how it hurts when you are cheated on.

I lead a far from blameless life. I don't pretend to be a saint. I also don't try and defend the indefensible.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 21:35

I can't even follow your posts any more, clipped

They are all over the place

LineRunner · 18/12/2012 21:35

And those 'young shoulders' become older shoulders who do know and who do despise the actions of the father they love and OW they are asked by the father to care about.

Their mother gets the blame somehow for this?

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:37

I dont see this "mother" thing here to be honest, they are two separate things. So you are sort of saying you can't be a good mother if you have an affair?

LineRunner · 18/12/2012 21:40

What an odd thing to conclude, Chipping.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:44

Posts maybe all over the place for you AF. Some will get it and some wont.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 21:45

this is true, clipped

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 21:46

Chipping? did you mean me?