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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

526 replies

onlyjustgettingby · 18/12/2012 11:53

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 20:23

Who made those vows? Was it him? Who are you angry with, should it be him? Remember the man you married and that cheated on you was the perpertrator, the other person is a pawn.

QueenieLovesEels · 18/12/2012 20:27

Shame on you more like.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 20:27

Did you marry a man that was always going to stray? Did you marry a man that had a thousand red flags going on? Did you marry a man and it all got lost in having kids, did you sort of loose intimacy along the way?

Always remember a relationship is between two people, another person coming into the equasion is, as I said a pawn in your world.

Either way YOU need to take a look at what's going on and stop blaming outsiders.

MadBanners · 18/12/2012 20:28

"What I have with this man is like something I have never felt before and I know that he feels the same. Some have said that they dont believe that he has not done it before or would again, but I know him."

I am sure his wife would say a similar thing, she knows him, he would never blah blah blah

you say you cannot imagine life without him, there was at some point, at the start, where there was just an attraction, and not the "love" you apparently feel now, there has to have been, and that was the point to not take it further. Before it got to this point. You are taking part in an affair, and just because you seem to have handled it well when on the other side, and get on well with your ex, and see his affairs as some sort of excusable symptom of an unhappy marriage, does not mean his wife will see it as that.

The man you are having an affair with is selfish, you are selfish,your ex was selfish. You have said yourself you give no thought to the wife...why should you, in your head you have a wonderful man and are just waiting for the time when you will be together properly. You are wrong and the shit is going to hit the fan at some point.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 20:28

Clipped, she's had a kicking (deserved imo). But it's nothing compared to the kicking she has given to this man's poor wife.

No one is saying that blame doesn't ultimately lie with him - what he is doing is completely scummy. But she has helped him to do it and hasn't given the wife a thought, despite knowing what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this.

QueenieLovesEels · 18/12/2012 20:31

You diminish women by claiming her role is insignificant in this.

She is involved in an adulterous relationship. Actively so.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 20:31

So his wife "knows" him then does she? She knows he wouldn't say that stuff? Really?

No-one "knows" anyone else. We know what we do and we hope they do to. Don't fool yourself. But don't burn the pawn at the stake, look at what you're with.

badinage · 18/12/2012 20:32

Did you marry a man that was always going to stray? Did you marry a man that had a thousand red flags going on? Did you marry a man and it all got lost in having kids, did you sort of loose intimacy along the way?

Quit the victim blaming. Don't start turning on people who've been hurt and claiming they were responsible for it.

I'm guessing you've also had an affair with a married man in the past eh Clipped?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 20:33

clipped "look at what you are with"

much of the thread has been telling Op to do exactly that

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 20:36

Don't put words in my mouth. I'm not saying that the OP was right, I'm saying that the OP's self worth is low and I happen to think women are fucking fabulous creatures unless damaged. I happen to think due to society men's default setting is to entitlement.

I'm also saying if things are wrong in YOUR relationship then you need to actually see what is going on. An outsider won't be able to get in if all's hunky dory will they?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 20:39

clipped...you do realise that affairs also happen in otherwise-happy marriages, don't you ?

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 20:40

I'm not victim blaming at all, I'm saying that either the man is a cock or there's something wrong in the relationship. It stand to reason that there isn't a harlot at every corner enticing.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 20:41

even going off just what the OP has said about her own situation...this cheating man hasn't said his marriage is unhappy, he says he still loves his wife, he has no plans to leave her and I am sure he has not communicated to his wife that there are any problems at all

to all extents and purposes (and certainly as far as his wife is concerned) he is in a perfectly happy marriage

MulleredWhines · 18/12/2012 20:42

Op you are a sad, deluded woman. How desperate you appear. And whilst you are thinking about being fucked by this man '24/7', you sure as hell aren't focusing on your poor kids.

How much of your low self esteem is due to how you were treated by your Ex husband is anyones guess. But how sad that you can no longer forge a loving relationship with a man who is not married to someone else. You have no intention of stopping this affair. but when you are dumped (and I think that's pretty inevitable when you have probably been 'picked up' by this man online) the work that you need to do is on yourself and your own self esteem and sense of worth.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 20:42

the man is a cock

this Op is a cock

the end

Spero · 18/12/2012 20:45

I think this hysteria over DO NOT NAME YOURSELF is a little bonkers. If anyone wants to stalk me, knock yourselves out. As I don't say anything I would be ashamed to repeat in real life, I don't care.

The op has only been 'given a kicking' as she kept coming back with more lunatic self justification and simply naive statements - the children will never find out! The wife would never use her children to hurt him if the truth got out!

badinage · 18/12/2012 20:46

An outsider won't be able to get in if all's hunky dory will they?

Oh yes she will if the man happens to be a selfish, entitled bugger who feels entitled to a midlife adventure with a woman who's willing to be complicit and settle for crumbs.

This man says he loves his wife and will never leave her. We know nothing more about his relationship. Very bad assumption to think their relationship is 'faulty' in some way. Good assumption to think he and the OP are 'faulty' though.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 20:47

It makes people feel better, to think that affairs only happen in unhappy marriages. It makes people feel safe, if they are happily married, as if this couldn't happen to them.

The stuff on the relationships board is heartbreaking. I would like to know why men do it. I think there is probably a lot of truth in what clipped says about the default setting for a man being entitlement. Maybe I'm generalising unfairly, although I think not, but men are more selfish. I think a woman would think about her kids more than a man does.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 20:47

whats with the naming? Grin

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 20:50

Well AF if they happen in otherwise happy marriages I don't know why anyone should be vilified really then, a change is as good as a rest Grin

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 20:55

that only works if both parties have equal opportunity to have a "change" and one is not deceiving the other

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 20:56

Er, because it causes great distress to the innocent party, perhaps?

Wrecks children's stable home life and has a detrimental effect on their lives?

I can't see that this is funny, Clipped.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 20:57

of course it does, but in this thread it was yet again saying that a man can be happy in a marriage and cheat? He loved his wife but wanted a bit on the side, therefore you are the harlot and I'm the "wife", really?

SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 18/12/2012 20:59

Is that what it was about? Someone saying that you wouldn't be rude to someone having an affair with a married man with kids if they knew your name?

I just question those whose argument is so shit that they have to resort to telling posters that their opinions are invalid if they don't put their real names next to them.

It might just be a shit argument, sign of someone who clearly has no moral ground to stand on, or someone who plans to use that information against you because you've wound them up. And as someone who has received nasty PMs in the past including someone trying to get my name and details so she could report me to social services, I would just err on the side of caution.

There really is no need to attach names to posts.

Abitwobblynow · 18/12/2012 20:59

"What I have with this man is like something I have never felt before and I know that he feels the same. Some have said that they dont believe that he has not done it before or would again, but I know him."

  • yes, this is reflective of the intensity of a split self affair. I believe the OP when she writes this.

[But do not forget the point of the split self: it is not authentic, it is FANTASY and PROJECTION of a denied/repressed/disallowed in childhood part of the self and it does not take away the bond to the wife. All of which she writes about].

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