Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

Well said CP. Maybe none of the posters has had an affair- but I can't believe they have led perfect lives.

This thread has become an outlet for bullies. They can delude themselves that thier harshness " helps" but they are dleuding themselves. It's just an outlet for their own bitterness or self righteousness.

No, Morris, I said (can't believe I'm quoting myself)

"Eventually he'll see you as we see you - an unpleasant woman who was happy to destroy his family for her own ends."

I said nothing about what she is, or what he is.

My point was that his perception will switch when it suits him.

Now she might be the great lost love of his life, but if he's the kind of man he sounds likely to be, he will be able to turn that off when his two irreconcilable worlds collide.

A lot of people on the thread see the OP as an woman behaving in a very unpleasant way because it suits her and she doesn't care about who gets hurt.

He'll see that too when his interest is no longer served by the "I'm a good guy who can't help my strong feelings" story.

The OP believes he's this great guy who really loves her.

I was actually trying to help her see him for what he is by accepting her version of him but putting it in a bit of context.

I'm bemused that anyone could think I was defending him.

It was just pretty obvious that all the "he's got other lovers, he's a born liar" stuff was just confirming her in her belief that he is different.

Yes, different from some cheats.

But depressingly similar to others.

I can honestly say I have never had an affair, I have had the chance I didn't do it, I couldn't live with the guilt, even though my ex did have one or two himself, which I whole-halfheartedly forgave him for.

I am not perfect, I don't sleep with husbands though, they have a bit RED FLAG on them something to do with them marrying someone else, I do realise it happens, my Dad is also a cheat, I still love him, will never understand his cheating though and have even asked Mum 'why did you stay?',she doesn't answer, I think we may be involved somewhere along the lines (we = DC)

When my long ago ex had an affair (of which I was kept as in the dark as he could) he had never done so before. I know he promised her sunbeams and unicorns and the perfectest perfect love ever bar none - because she went bat shit after it all came out and told me so.
The reason she went off the deep end was that when I found out he freaked out - he dropped her quicker than a hot rock when she thought she was the one in the driving seat and had him exactly where she wanted him. He begged on his knees to stay, he displayed more honesty than he had done for a long time. I do believe he caught on to what he had risked and he was scared and was telling the truth he believed to be true - he was sorry and would not do it again if I would just give him another chance.
I of course did not because I'm worth much more than he ever was had I but seen it in time.
I got a call from her because he had vented his spleen at OW and how much she had cost him, how unworthy of that she was and how he hated her (tosser) and she wanted to make that my fault - I did say she was welcome to him but it ended up with me happily married, him bitter and single after protractedly trying to get back together, her hurt and in line for a series of disasters.

I never felt the burning anger at her that some feel, him yes, her no. After the first conversation I just felt pity - it was weird because I should have been pitied but she was so broken but she couldn't see her part in it. It was sad. I don't think she ever thought he would choose me over her, she never knew me but she thought she did from what he had said. At the end she was still angry with me for ruining her life, instead of him for lying to her; bonkers.

Do whatever you want. If you want to leave, you will even though it is hard, it's merely an effort of will. If you don't want to, don't. But make that choice with your eyes wide open as a contented and complete person. It won't hurt to go and see a counsellor regardless of this to be wholy happy in your skin for your children, you put up with significant disresepect that has most women evaluating themselves deeply. I'm not going to offer an expanded view on what you are doing to his wife and their children, regrdless of how you see it. But I truely hope that you don't end up like my OW because that is a sad and painful life.

Erm, what's with the naming? Who the hell is asking anonymous Mumsnetters to name themselves on a relationships thread?

Don't do it no matter what the reason and get your posts with your real names deleted now. No-one should be forced to out themselves and anyone who is doing so should just fuck the fuck off.

Do Not Name Yourselves On Here

OFGs get over yourself Cliff. How can someone force anyone to do anything on a forum?

And if you think those people gave real names you are mad!

I can understand someone who has never been cheated on or who has never been in a committed relationship themselves, embarking on an affair with someone who is married. They won't have the experience of knowing how utterly heartbreaking it is to put all your faith in someone and have it betrayed.

BUT, the OP does know all this and is doing it anyway. I'm not perfect - I'm quite selfish in many respects. But I wouldn't do this to another woman. I don't think I could stop myself from thinking about her.

Right.

Various people have been naming themselves and where they come from.

I am assumed that someone has accused them of either being a troll or a coward and thereforce has persuaded them to prove their arguments by identifying themselves.

This is a relationships thread and I've been on Mumsnet long enough to know how nasty they can get.

People have been stalked on Mumsnet. It's been a real problem.

Do not name yourselves and question those who are persuading you to do so. It makes no difference to your argument who you are and where you come from.

I would seriously question any poster who was trying to get Mumsnetters to reveal their identities on a relationships thread.

So get over yourself. I'm trying to point out the vulnerabilities here, not get involved in a playground spat.

Oh, I was planning to be 'Disgusted from Tunbridge Wells'. I suppose it's for the best, I am not a portly, balding, middle aged man with a little bristly moustache...or from Tunbridge Wells.

I wish the OP no ill will. I hope she doesn't get the shitty end of the stick that my ex's mistress did, for her DC sake as much as her own. It's a bit of a fuck up all round.
It still makes me a little bit sad to think of even though I came out on top and am happy. Partly because I know what broke me so much I thought he was decent and partly because he completely busted that woman's head.

I did Mincepies. I'd be happy for MNHQ to confirm it. I am not ashamed of any opinion I have given here

And yes, people do give their real names.

I've seen some nasty shit on Mumsnet in the past. I don't want to this to turn into another one.

Some people seem to be wilfully misunderstanding you, sleigh. I got you.

Sleigh isn't talking misogynist crap. She is being realistic about what is likely to happen when this affair gets discovered

I said it myself a different way near the beginning of the thread

when it all goes tits-up, OP will be dumped from a great height

this man will close ranks with his wife and Op will be painted as a shameless slut who offered it on a plate (am not saying this is right or even fair but it will happen )

or he will leave his wife for her, but their life will be hell anyway because OP could never trust him again

or he will get chucked out by his wife and he will leave...but not for the OP

Op gets devalued by everyone in every circumstance ....it's lose/lose for her (it's very wrong, yes, but it happens ))

Oh okay I am not Bob from Scotland, I am Hamish from Ireland.

I do have Bob under my usernames though, I have been Bob at some point. Rhubarb is being truthful though, some weird shit happens on here....if that is still Rhubarbs Christmas name it was 6 years ago

Sleigh, I think you are absolutely spot on.

IME people are " ripe" for affairs long before they happen. They are bored, a bit miserable, isolated in their main relationship.

What a load of bollocks, said no doubt by a poster who's had an affair herself......

Anyfucker, I agree with you that he will probably close ranks with his wife and op will be out in the cold. But that is not what sleigh said at all. She said that he'd see her as we all see her, as an unpleasant person who set out to ruin his family.

I can only speak for myself, but I do not see her as that at all. His behaviour is considerably less pleasant imo, as he is married but op is not.

Blame the woman, although he's the one who's actually promised to forsake all others. Classic sexism.

and the moral of the story is don't have affairs with men who are happy to deceive their wife

the biggest "culprit" here is the cheating bloke, that is a given, but he isn't posting for "advice", this woman is

and no way is she completely blameless

OP I think you are being extremely naive if you think your DC wil never find out about affairs.

I found out my parents had both had affairs, when I was a child, in my mid 30s.

Neither of them told me personally but I was told by other people.
My father told my Dh, whilst he was very drunk, one year on holiday. God knows why he told him, I think he felt very very guilty and wanted to unburden himself. It absolutely floored me and changed the way I thought of my Dad, until he died.

The chances your dc will find out are huge, so if I were you I'd get out of this relationship before anyone else finds out. Your Dc will judge you very harshly if/when they find out you've had an affair with a married man.

Just think about how that will affect your relationship with them.

that is how I interpreted sleigh's post, morris

and actually, she does come across as an unpleasant person set to (play a part in) ruining a family, despite (or because ...who knows ?) she has had it done to her

that is the bit I cannot understand

this is not some naive 22yo who believes everything a man tells her, and has no real life life experience....someone who will eventually learn that she has been made a mug of by a bloke (we've all been there)

she is in this with her eyes wide open to the devastation caused by infidelity and has decided she is entitled to it anyway

OnlyJust, I didn't flame you, you are only on the other side of the coin to me (and so I don't judge you, but I hope you go away and think about where you are and what you are doing).

Although Sleigh said it quite 'frankly', she is spot on. That is exactly what my H did, almost word for word/action for action. You will get hurt if you carry on with this...

Please take care of yourself OP, you are worth much more. You can find authenticity and self-care.

Maybe because none of you have been in her shoes then?

Maybe because judgemental is as judgemental does.

I'm all for calling it but this thread has become very unpleasant with everyone banging on with a halo on their heads.

Will i stick up for the OP here, too fucking right, she had to realise, she didn't have to be kicked to the floor and then some.

Shame on you.

I don't blame the poster on her own. Can't see anyone doing that either. I do blame her and him because they are both responsible for the affair. When his wife finds out it's unlikely his wife will blame the OP alone. Most women are not that stupid and I resent the implication that they are. His wife will blame both parties and rightly so.

I also think the poster comes across as a deeply unpleasant, passive aggressive person who doesn't give a shit about another woman or her MM's children, as long as she is alright. If you're going to talk about woman-hating, look no further than the OP, who seems out to avenge herself on all those women who slept with her ex-husband.

The entitled one here is the bloody man. The cheater in your relationship is the man. To scratch someone elses eyes out that doesnt have a relationship with you is doing something second hand, look closer to home.