Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

What have I to be angry about here?

My reaction is mostly fascination at the perfect delusion and a little bit of disgust at the self-righteous victim blaming.

Mince pies, you'll have to take my word for it that I would honestly say to the OP's face everything that I have posted here.

I think Sleigh was spot on, she wasn't saying the married man is in the right, she was saying that married man and the OP have different perspectives on what's going on.

Married man has never shagged around before, thus has no considered, premeditated strategy, it's going to knock him sideways when his wife finds out and when she does he will realise: "Shit, what the hell have I done, just for a fuck."

OTOH the relationship is precious to OP, the married man is in essence her significant other, ie more than just a fuck. Her feelings of fulfilment and self-esteem are all wrapped up in him.

I wouldn't go near a married man and I'm single. I wouldn't do it purely because I have self esteem (not stealth boasting here, I'm bloody 50) and would never ever be a notch on anothers bedpost I like myself too much for that. In all of these trysts the bottom line always seems to be a person devaluing themselves enough to be second.

You deserve all the pain that your going to inflict on his family !! You dirty cheat !

You may well say it to her face but that's not quite the same as outng yourself here, is it?

My point being that it's soooooo easy to dish out dirt under a pseudonym and assassinate someone's character.

MN Jury. Bloody great isn't it?

I don't agree with the OPs behaviour- but I'm sic k of reading self-righteous posts from people who think they have the high moral ground.

Jesus, some of you need to look closer to home here and question the Menz.

Your partner is the one that is with "you" the other woman could be any amount of people, it will happen.

Thank you, Tamoo, that is exactly what I was saying.

Except you said it better :)

Clipped

"Did you forgive him then sleigh? I don't thing you have really then have you? Does he repeatedly do this? Do you repeatedly forgive?"

:o

Mind officially blown.

Polyamorous? Cake and eat it dressed up as an alternative lifestyle.

Sarah Phillimore from Bristol. I try not to write anything on line I wouldn't say in real life.

If this was the only thread I had posted on using this name then I would happily reveal my real life name.

It's not fair to expect it from posters when it might reveal things about them to people irl that they would prefer not to be known by their nearest and dearest.

And yes, I agree with everything said by Sleigh. It may be harsh, but its a harsh situation and sadly, it appears that it needs saying, given the level of self justification and denial going on here.

At least everyone in a polyamorous arrangement is eating the same cake.

Okay I re-read the OP, more advice.

What should we do?

A. He should end relationship with you, then break up with DW, then resume relationship with you.

B. You should ask him to leave DW and see what happens.

C. Stay with him and him, his DW and continue thinking he is your soul-mate and hope no-one finds out.

D. Quit it now before everyone gets involved and more hurt.

E. Run away together

Is that better advice as I have no more situations I can think of?

Ahh, Clipped - that's the angle I was coming from.

The OP claims on one hand to love him and on the other 'well if I'm just a fuck to him then he's just a fuck to me'.

She sounds like she's bitter and trying to make herself into what her husband saw in the other women he chose to mess about with with total disregard to anyone else in the situation. She doesn't care about anyone but herself it seems.

OP has managed to assassinate her own character. And yes, I do think I have a moral high ground because I wouldn't do what she is doing.

Ok then sleigh you were being tounge in cheek then? or really angry bitter Whether your mind is blown or not isn't really anything to do with me. I just found your post to be very sad in many ways.

Sleigh said that this man was going to see op for what she is, an unpleasant person. This is despite him being married, and her being single.

Can anybody justify this? Or explain it to me so that it doesn't look like misogynist crap from the 1950s?

You are perfect then Karma. God bless you.

Put yourself in others shoes and you still won't be able to dance in them. You don't know what has gone on and being nasty to the OP shows something about YOU really. Who cheated in YOUR relationship, it was your spouse wasn't it? That's who you need to be angry with not the OP.

I'm not going to flame you - life is life, human nature is what it is and shit happens.

That said - he has told you he loves his wife and kids. Either he is:

a/ lying to make himself sound like a good guy without risking you making demands on him, or

b/ telling the truth in which case WTF is he doing, and why is your self-esteem not kicking in and telling you to run like the wind?

Either way it is going to end in tears - for you, for his wife, for his kids - quite possibly all three. It may be hard and it may be sad but for goodness sake end it now before any more damage is done to anyone involved - for your sake as much as anyone else's.

If my arsehole I love my wife but want extra marritals was taken out of the equasion then it wouldn't have happened would it. Fucking mysoginistic men people get my goat, not vunerable ones.

Too black and white there spiro, we want to fucking shake her (OP) of course we do but let's not run away with ourselves here ay. It is someone elses life that we are talking about not such an annon question out there.

The man will likely see it that way because it will suit him to do so. It won't mean that he is any better, only that when the shine wears off his wife finds out and he suddenly realises what he will lose he will not be under any illusions about what this relationship was really about.

No, that's granted but burning the OP at the stake isn't going to help her is it? At the end of the day can anyone of us hold our hands up and say we've lead a blameless life? This thread, has turned nasty in my opinion and it needs to stop.