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Original poster

Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

526 replies

onlyjustgettingby · 18/12/2012 11:53

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

OP posts:
Itwasntmemum · 18/12/2012 16:05

Re: the pinny - a figure of speech!

Oh please! don't tell us... You believe every spun yarn he gives you about his wife!

I'll bet she's nothing like how he describes her and I'll also bet that you've had a look at her and are now patting yourself on your back!!

Carry on deluding yourself - you obviously enjoy this false life you're living.

JustFabulous · 18/12/2012 16:06

If you were really sad about the situation and wanted to do the best for everyone you would walk away.

You are sad you can't have him full time and to do the washing up with.

Viviennemary · 18/12/2012 16:10

Well you are having an affair with a married man. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry to leave his wife. And you don't want to give him up. Lots of people have told you what you should do. But you probably won't. So just carry on as you are. But sadly it will all end in tears for somebody.

Itwasntmemum · 18/12/2012 16:10

Yep, I think she sounds pretty sad

Monty27 · 18/12/2012 16:11

OP have you been on mn long? Have you read the zillions of threads where wives find out they have been cheated on (as you yourself did) and how it brought utter devastation to the family? What makes you think his wife will live in ignorant bliss while you are shagging her dh? You are completely selfish and delusional imo.

Monty27 · 18/12/2012 16:12

wives dw's and dp's

coribells · 18/12/2012 16:15

I have a bit of a different perspective. I am in a polyamarous relationship, my partners long term(20 years) GF knows all about me. We have been together for 3 years, some people might see me as being 'a recreational shag' too , but its soo not like that. We have an intense emotional connection and support each other. There is the problem around not being together totally as a couple in the day to day aspects of life but then i went into this with my eyes wide open. I would have a lot of difficulty ending this relationship for some one who was 'more aviailable' and besides at this stage of my life i dont want to introduce another father figure into my kids life.
I suppose my point is that there is more than one way to have relationships.
OP, some counselling might be helpful for you to get your head around what is happening to you emotionally at this time.

PottedShrimp · 18/12/2012 16:20

coribells - your situation may work for you, but I have a feeling the wife we are talking about on this thread would not feel the same.

  1. He would have told her.
  2. The OP would have met her
  3. There would not be the need for her to post on here.
Spero · 18/12/2012 16:21

Coribells - my objection to the op does not stem from fact I am an old square who just doesn't 'get' that there can be different kinds of relationships, but rather that op and this man are deceiving another human being and wasting her time. When she finds out she will be presumably very upset. And there are children involved.

I have no objection to what bits of you you rub up against what bits of anyone else - provided this is done without deception and lies. Presumably your polyamorous relationships are based on openness and respect, so no problems there.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 16:22

coribells, the difference between you and the Op is that everyone involved in your relationship knows what is going on and has consented.

The OP's 'relationship' is based on deception and lack of respect for the lover's wife.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 18/12/2012 16:26

Yup title and OP say it all, a fine mess!!

Why are you with a married man?

Sorry I will read the thread, see if there is a reason, no idea what it would be, I could feel as lonely as a goldfish and just 'not go there' but we are different....

lolaflores · 18/12/2012 16:27

Polyamorous?

Again, a man getting it both ways till sunday.
Would he be so forgiving of his wife bringing another man into the set up?

Men cheat, women cry (sooner or later)

i often wonder why it seems that the men who cheat want to be the victim in the whole scenario and find women who are willing to buy into that for them? What is that all about.

But for now, we can only wave bye to the retreating for of only she may not be back, but perhaps some of what has been said here may ring a little deeper for her when she has stopped being so fighty. I hope she has a bit of think (a bit further down than her fab fanny) and sees a chink of light that may lead her to some peace.

Problem here? Everyone thinks they are owed happiness.
Eye opener? No you're not.

Polyamorous? Oh dearie me.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 18/12/2012 16:31

Sorry I cannot read it, read a little bit but you don't want to hear what I have to say.

Have a good Christmas.

lolaflores · 18/12/2012 16:33

I know not its a heartbreaker isn't it.

Dahlen · 18/12/2012 16:35

I think you might want to take a long hard look at why you are so in love with this man that you can't break it off.

To be SO in love with someone it makes you do something that goes against the value system you had previously is unhealthy and suggestive of a certain degree of emotional codependency. Not altogether unsurprising given your marriage history, nor is the fact that you are doing the same thing done to you by your XH.

I've been in love. Head over heels, walk over hot coals type of in love. I still wouldn't have done something totally out of character because my self-integrity supersedes any feelings created by others. Honesty with, and liking of, oneself is more important than great sex, companionship, emotional support or validation from others.

FWIW, I don't think people are really capable of truly loving someone and having them love back unless both are capable of searing self honesty. IF he can behave like this to his wife, he clearly isn't, even if he is otherwise a decent man.

Itwasntmemum · 18/12/2012 16:37

Well said lolaflores but as long as there are women like Only sitting there only happy to oblige or desperate, then men (and women will take it).

Think she is deluded in whooping herself up and wallowing in telling herself that she's independent, happy and doing what she wants because she is wasting her life on a man who has said he doesn't want to be solely with her.

As wives, we could all do this too - IF WE WANTED TO!

As it is I wouldn't give myself to someone that just wants me as a secret in the closet. Some of us have pride and morals.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 16:40

coribells your "perspective" is so "different" to the premise of this thread as to make it completely meaningless

run along now

noddyholder · 18/12/2012 17:07

The more of yourself you reveal here the more obvious it is he is using you as you don't sound like you have an ounce of self worth

coribells · 18/12/2012 17:46

My comments are directed at the OP
only. I am not getting into a debate about the rights and wrongs
OP if you need support rather than a brow beating feel free to PM me.

lolaflores · 18/12/2012 17:47

coribels I think the OP may be way too vulnerable for your level of sophistication just yet.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 17:49

Would you mind answering a question here though coribells?

What would the man you are having a poly relationship with say if you decided to bring another man into the equasion?

I personally believe poly relationships are all about the man having a couple of different flavours and it's happy days for him.

coribells · 18/12/2012 17:52

Believe me I know about vulnerability
'Been there bought the T Shirt'

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 17:53

So you decided to share him then coribells?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 18/12/2012 17:57

How would you feel if his wife found out and left him, and you were to blame for breaking up a family?

ClippedPhoenix · 18/12/2012 18:03

or how would you feel if she did find out and he came to you because he had nowhere else to go knowing that he told you he loved her?