So, figure the title should get your attention...Apologies for length.
Essentially, I find myself in a situation that is making me miserable, but seems to be a situation that I have repeated all my adult life in terms of who I fall in love with.
Background is somewhat complicated so bear with me. Met STBXH four years ago. Moved in with him, DD, his son to a new area. Met a couple and their DD (same age as my DD) living nearby. We all became friends, spent a lot of time together etc.
Discovered that other couple were into swinging - I was always attracted to the husband and my 'D'P was curious and attracted to the wife. So, not surprisingly, we started 'playing' with them, for want of a better word, from time to time. All very amicable and open.
Anyway, I married 'D'P - big mistake, but nothing to do with other man, just a number of other issues that all came to ahead at wedding (at which other couple attended).
The attraction between my and other man was always stronger than between DH and the wife. Often it would be just me, my DH and the other man together, though, frankly, I always wished it would be just me and other man.
Split up with DH at beginning of the year - continued to see other man and his wife. The wife was away over summer for a few months, so saw other man almost daily - went out, went for dinner, stayed over at each other's houses (children were not aware of situation). His wife was aware and happy with the arrangement (she had a number of lovers when away, though her affairs are essentially sexual and one-offs, rather than actual relationships IYSWIM).
So, things ticking over ok. I've never been jealous of his wife - she and I are friends, I wouldn't want a monogomous relationship with the other man and am happy being 'single' yet having him as a lover (also, have moved out of area, so see them less frequently).
Anyway, went there for the weekend....had heard him mention another woman a few times, but found out from his wife (my friend) that he has a huge crush on this other woman, is having a relationship with her and has told the children about polyamory and the fact that the other woman is his lover (his DD is 11).
I am so hurt and jealous. The other woman is a good twenty years older than me (he is closer to 30 years older than me). I know I have absolutely no basis for legitimately feeling as I do. After all, if I am his lover, as well as his wife, what's to stop him (or me) from having as many lovers as he wishes? I have no claim to him. But, but....it hurts so badly. I don't want him to be with the other woman. I am jealous that suddenly she is the centre of his attention. I am upset that he has told his DD about his relationship with her, but not me (though that would open a can of worms anyhow).
I've told him how I feel - he is encouraging me to get a lover where I am now living. Problem is, I don't want another lover - I want him. It's the same situation as all previous men I've fallen in love with - all unattainable. Either married, don't believe in monogomy or don't want relationships. All are charming and all have caused endless pain.
I know there's no 'magical cure' - I should distance myself from him and not open myself to being hurt. But I love him. I'm moping around miserably, dreaming about the other woman and just want him to get rid of her.
Not sure how his wife feels about this - I may see if she has misgivings or is truly ok with it all. It's like some Mormon polygamous drama or something. Freud would have a field day....