My married lover has added another relationship into the mix and I am jealous

[FreckledLeopard]

So, figure the title should get your attention...Apologies for length.

Essentially, I find myself in a situation that is making me miserable, but seems to be a situation that I have repeated all my adult life in terms of who I fall in love with.

Background is somewhat complicated so bear with me. Met STBXH four years ago. Moved in with him, DD, his son to a new area. Met a couple and their DD (same age as my DD) living nearby. We all became friends, spent a lot of time together etc.

Discovered that other couple were into swinging - I was always attracted to the husband and my 'D'P was curious and attracted to the wife. So, not surprisingly, we started 'playing' with them, for want of a better word, from time to time. All very amicable and open.

Anyway, I married 'D'P - big mistake, but nothing to do with other man, just a number of other issues that all came to ahead at wedding (at which other couple attended).

The attraction between my and other man was always stronger than between DH and the wife. Often it would be just me, my DH and the other man together, though, frankly, I always wished it would be just me and other man.

Split up with DH at beginning of the year - continued to see other man and his wife. The wife was away over summer for a few months, so saw other man almost daily - went out, went for dinner, stayed over at each other's houses (children were not aware of situation). His wife was aware and happy with the arrangement (she had a number of lovers when away, though her affairs are essentially sexual and one-offs, rather than actual relationships IYSWIM).

So, things ticking over ok. I've never been jealous of his wife - she and I are friends, I wouldn't want a monogomous relationship with the other man and am happy being 'single' yet having him as a lover (also, have moved out of area, so see them less frequently).

Anyway, went there for the weekend....had heard him mention another woman a few times, but found out from his wife (my friend) that he has a huge crush on this other woman, is having a relationship with her and has told the children about polyamory and the fact that the other woman is his lover (his DD is 11).

I am so hurt and jealous. The other woman is a good twenty years older than me (he is closer to 30 years older than me). I know I have absolutely no basis for legitimately feeling as I do. After all, if I am his lover, as well as his wife, what's to stop him (or me) from having as many lovers as he wishes? I have no claim to him. But, but....it hurts so badly. I don't want him to be with the other woman. I am jealous that suddenly she is the centre of his attention. I am upset that he has told his DD about his relationship with her, but not me (though that would open a can of worms anyhow).

I've told him how I feel - he is encouraging me to get a lover where I am now living. Problem is, I don't want another lover - I want him. It's the same situation as all previous men I've fallen in love with - all unattainable. Either married, don't believe in monogomy or don't want relationships. All are charming and all have caused endless pain.

I know there's no 'magical cure' - I should distance myself from him and not open myself to being hurt. But I love him. I'm moping around miserably, dreaming about the other woman and just want him to get rid of her.

Not sure how his wife feels about this - I may see if she has misgivings or is truly ok with it all. It's like some Mormon polygamous drama or something. Freud would have a field day....

Wise words from SGB & AF as always.

There is more than one relationship model, it comes down to how you deal with it.

& it seems you're not dealing with the model you have chosen, so is it right for you OP?

It was when it suited, but now it goes against what you want, you wanted your lover in an open relationship - but was it really an open relationship or was it an escape from your husband?

Now he wants someone else, so not so great, you want a child with him, not with anyone, with him, you want to cement your relationship with progeny.

I don't think you are a natural non-monogamist, I think you may be a confused & hurt monogamist.

There's fuck-all wrong with that, you've just got to work out where you are, do you really want a child with this man? He sounds like a child himself.

I found out about my mother's infidelities when I was 11, she fucked her lover in the same room I was sleeping in, I woke up, I'll never forget, it damaged me for a long time, I would have preferred her to be honest with me & shield me from it - we never spoke about it - as an adult I know human sexuality is a nuanced & complicated thing.

Just know that, know that you leave a trace, be true to yourself, do not have a child with this man, know & love yourself, when you do that, you can do as you please.

Tangerine - what kind of therapy did you have? How long for?

The people who are saying that this man should not tell his DC that he is poly: do you think that gay parents should have to hide their sexuality from their DC as well? It's better for children to learn that human sexual relationships are diverse than to be forcefed the idea that heteromonogamy is compulsory and anyone who doesn't engage in it is a bad person.

So, you start shagging a man twice your age, on a casual basis. A father figure. Who is married to a woman who is presumably a similar age to him. A mother figure? You are happy for these two parental figures to stay together.

Your casual shag basis moves on to an emotional basis.

You are not happy for the father figure to find another young thing to have a relationship with. Do you see the new shaggee as a sibling who is getting your share of his attention?

Clearly this situation is not making you happy .Really, as others have said, you need time out, probably some therapy. Time to explore and find out what it is you actually want.

Situation is not making me happy. Need to summon strength to walk away from it all which is easier said than done.

Agatha - the thing that's really getting to me is that the new lover isn't young. She must be at least twenty years older than I am. I could understand it better if she were 25 or something, but am struggling with the fact she is that much older.

Anyway, I guess her age and anything about her is irrelevant, since it's about me, not them. Wish I could turn my emotions off.

The only experience I have with a polyamorous relationship was one where the woman discovered that she didn't want to be in a poly relationship, but to be monogamous with her partner. The only way he would stay with her was if she was OK with him shagging around and having relationships with other women. She ended up completely miserable. Your post reminds me of that completely.

I know you feel love for them and want it to work, but being miserable helps no one. They're not going to want monogamy because it would be best for you. People will almost always put themselves first. You need to put yourself first as well. Try to break free of this tangled web and look for someone who loves you and doesn't want to share that love with other women, so you are less likely to get hurt.

Nah, it's not remotely exotic. Seedy maybe.

He's playing you all like bloody fiddles. So you have two choices. Carry on being a bit part in his Court like some handmaiden without a choice, and inevitably get more miserable or realise it's going nowhere (apart from in your head) or break out and start again.

He's doesn't love you. He does not want to set up home with you. He never did. Hate to think how much all this is going to screw up his kid. Telling her alone tells you everything you need to know about this selfish man.

Ok - quick update. Trying to be strong and get rid of the crap that's making me miserable in life. To that end I've emailed other man's wife, explained situation is making me unhappy and that I want to get away from it. She doesn't seem thrilled with it either, to be fair, but obviously she is putting up with his active exploration of polyamory.

Anyway, have deleted and blocked them on Facebook. Deleted and blocked useless STBXH too, after a day of crap from him.

Looking into therapy but don't know how to pay for it.

Onwards and upwards. Roll on 2013. Thank you for all feedback on this thread.

Freckledleopard, he doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't still be married, and he wouldnt be taking another lover. He would be with you. He can only make you feel like he is your knight in shining armour, come to rescue you, because your relationship has only ever been a fantasy, to him.

You need to walk away, concentrate on DD, and putting yourself back together.

And just bc you have tried marriage and it made you miserable, and you have had failed monogamous relationships doesn't mean you can never have a happy and successful monogamous relationship, you just haven't found the right one. Yet.

My DH and I are swingers/have swung, on and off. So i have some point of reference. And IMHO when you start swinging on your own rather than together as a couple is where it all starts to go wrong. I have seen it happen time and again. If that's an element of your lifestyle you can't live without then you need to draw some boundaries to stop you straying into such dangerous territory again, as and when you do commence a new relationship, and as and when you introduce swinging into it.

But you're relationship with your silver surfer swinger dude needs a line drawing under it. If its making you that miserable being in it, you have nothing to lose by getting out and everything to gain.

Good luck.

Freckled: please try those books I suggested above. They were a good starting point for me before I started therapy.

Poor kids :(

WELL DONE Leopard! Well done. [applause at your courage, self-care]

Keep talking to us, we are a horrible bunch of bags, but we will be there for you!

Why did you email his wife and not him?

(just read the thread.)

I'd emailed him earlier in week, said I felt crap about situation - got a totally lame response in return, suggeting I find another lover and why do you think it's called 'polyagony'! Realised I wouldn't get very far with him, plus am friends with his wife, so easier to write to her. Also wanted to get a sense of how happy she is with the situation (answer: not especially by the sounds of it).

Wtf did you ever see in this aging Lothario

He simply sounds like a cock

Good heavens.

Well done for taking steps to distance yourself OP, sounds a bizarre set up.

How happy is his wife truly about the situation with you?

Could it be possible that his wife goes along with the swinging because the alternative is just that he shags around and has affairs as and when he pleases? It sounds like a very unhappy set up. I think you are best off out out of it, and concentrating on working out what it is you want from your life.

Loops - I guess with me it's not really a problem in the sense that I have no desire for him to split with her. She's my friend, our children are friends and I'm not a threat. I met her at the same time as I met him and got to know them as a couple.

With the other woman, other man met her on his own, pursued her on his own, seems intent on developing a relationship with her. So in that sense, wife is removed somewhat from situation. Think she feels she has to accept it, since it's something he's spoken about and talked about for a while. She is very much into swinging side - likes hot 20-something men to play with, but not have relationships with. So think she feels if she can do that, he ought to be able to pursue what he wants to. But then, I think, he holds the power in the relationship, so what, really, could she do about it even if she's not happy? She'd never leave him, so I guess she has to accommodate it all as best she can.

Anyway, trying desperately not to think about them. Helps that I have some god-awful virus so my head is pretty fuzzy anyway and I feel spaced out.

AF, I swear I read threads, have a thought and then I read your posts and they are identical to the words in my head. Amazeballs. Even the 'cock' bit.

Freckled, I'm not asking what you think about her, I'm asking what she thinks of you. Perhaps she isn't as cool with it as you assume? Perhaps you banging on about your feelings in all this is insensitive?

Poor children growing up around this bloody nasty mess

Loops - I do think she is cool with how it's been between her husband and me, given that she knows me, sees me regularly, knows I have no intention to 'steal' her husband and, when we met, I was with ex-DH anyway. Other woman is single, divorced, and he met her independently of his wife.

I wonder about the 'insensitive' aspect - but I really don't want her to be hurt by the other woman (new woman on scene - not me). But anyhow, am stepping away from it all.

RabidCarrot - I wouldn't worry about the children unduly. My DD has no clue about any of it and his DD has always been brought up with a fairly unconventional attitude to life.