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Original poster

My married lover has added another relationship into the mix and I am jealous

141 replies

FreckledLeopard · 17/12/2012 17:16

So, figure the title should get your attention...Apologies for length.

Essentially, I find myself in a situation that is making me miserable, but seems to be a situation that I have repeated all my adult life in terms of who I fall in love with.

Background is somewhat complicated so bear with me. Met STBXH four years ago. Moved in with him, DD, his son to a new area. Met a couple and their DD (same age as my DD) living nearby. We all became friends, spent a lot of time together etc.

Discovered that other couple were into swinging - I was always attracted to the husband and my 'D'P was curious and attracted to the wife. So, not surprisingly, we started 'playing' with them, for want of a better word, from time to time. All very amicable and open.

Anyway, I married 'D'P - big mistake, but nothing to do with other man, just a number of other issues that all came to ahead at wedding (at which other couple attended).

The attraction between my and other man was always stronger than between DH and the wife. Often it would be just me, my DH and the other man together, though, frankly, I always wished it would be just me and other man.

Split up with DH at beginning of the year - continued to see other man and his wife. The wife was away over summer for a few months, so saw other man almost daily - went out, went for dinner, stayed over at each other's houses (children were not aware of situation). His wife was aware and happy with the arrangement (she had a number of lovers when away, though her affairs are essentially sexual and one-offs, rather than actual relationships IYSWIM).

So, things ticking over ok. I've never been jealous of his wife - she and I are friends, I wouldn't want a monogomous relationship with the other man and am happy being 'single' yet having him as a lover (also, have moved out of area, so see them less frequently).

Anyway, went there for the weekend....had heard him mention another woman a few times, but found out from his wife (my friend) that he has a huge crush on this other woman, is having a relationship with her and has told the children about polyamory and the fact that the other woman is his lover (his DD is 11).

I am so hurt and jealous. The other woman is a good twenty years older than me (he is closer to 30 years older than me). I know I have absolutely no basis for legitimately feeling as I do. After all, if I am his lover, as well as his wife, what's to stop him (or me) from having as many lovers as he wishes? I have no claim to him. But, but....it hurts so badly. I don't want him to be with the other woman. I am jealous that suddenly she is the centre of his attention. I am upset that he has told his DD about his relationship with her, but not me (though that would open a can of worms anyhow).

I've told him how I feel - he is encouraging me to get a lover where I am now living. Problem is, I don't want another lover - I want him. It's the same situation as all previous men I've fallen in love with - all unattainable. Either married, don't believe in monogomy or don't want relationships. All are charming and all have caused endless pain.

I know there's no 'magical cure' - I should distance myself from him and not open myself to being hurt. But I love him. I'm moping around miserably, dreaming about the other woman and just want him to get rid of her.

Not sure how his wife feels about this - I may see if she has misgivings or is truly ok with it all. It's like some Mormon polygamous drama or something. Freud would have a field day....

OP posts:
Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 17/12/2012 18:28

But does therapy do anything useful? If I spend money I don't have on a therapist - discuss my dysfunctional upbringing etc - what will it do of any practical use? Can my brain be re-wired so I'm attracted to available people? If not, then not sure what the point of talking about everything is Confused

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 17/12/2012 18:31

you wanted to have your cake and eat it... he wanted the whole bakery counter..

it all sounds completely fucked up to me, and that all of the adults in this are more interested in their wild sex lives than the raising of their poor children.. :(

AlreadyScone · 17/12/2012 18:34

No judgement from me, since all the adults involved have been open with each other... But this is something I've always wondered about extra-marital affairs... surely someone will get their heart broken somewhere along the line, forming half-hearted attachments like these, even when everything's ostensibly open.

I think the sooner you accept that he's not and never will be yours, the better it will be for you.

moondog · 17/12/2012 18:34
Shakey1500 · 17/12/2012 18:36

You know (and I say this with respect) that the fantasy of someone sweeping yourself off your feet is unlikely to happen. Because you seem broken. And you're expecting/hoping that someone will come and fix you. But they won't.

You have to fix yourself first.

Possibly having many partners will work for you, whether you had a dysfunctional upbringing or not. Possibly not. But perhaps establishing whether you are allowing your past to define the person and the choices you make now, will help.

That could be through counselling or some really deep soul searching yourself.

I had a very dysfunctional upbringing and I did allow it to define me until I was in my 30's.

thekidsrule · 17/12/2012 18:36

this guy will always love the thrill of the chase

its always a risk that it get emotional (its a risk you take)

you say you dont mind other women but you do this one (even if the new one fades he will "fall" for another)

i think you are in denial about your views regarding swinging and are kidding yourself you can handle the lifestyle imho

then you say you would like a child with him,very mixed feelings by the sound

op face it you have fallen for him hook line and sinker and you will NEVER find happiness and contentment with him

sorry but this is how it comes across

Viviennemary · 17/12/2012 18:40

You make a decision whether or not you want to be in a one partner relationship or you don't. If you do then walk away from this complicated situation. And then stick to that decision.

DistanceCall · 17/12/2012 18:41

Yes, therapy works. In my personal case, I might go so far as to say that it saved my life, to all practical purposes.

You are not fully aware of the dysfunctional stuff that is messing up your life right now. As you talk about it, you work your way through it, and things change. Really.

JustFabulous · 17/12/2012 18:46

You make a choice about who you see, date, shag. You then make a choice to stay with them even though they don't want the same as you or treat you in a way that hurts you. Just because you have made bad choices in the past doesn't mean you still will. You have control.

I went out with some shockers but then DH came along and I was ready for him.

Delete this man's number, block his email and spend some time being a mum before even thinking about being someone's lover again.

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 17/12/2012 18:53

Gosh. Sorry that you're having a difficult time OP. Absolutely no helpful advice.

I'd be hopeless at swinging. I just couldn't be arsed.

LeeCoakley · 17/12/2012 18:55

I'm fascinated. Can I ask how old the man is? At the moment I'm imagining some 60 year old silver fox who thinks he's god's gift but that's only because I don't know any swingers or what they look like! (Tired says dp) Grin

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 17/12/2012 18:58

He's 57. I'm 30. He does, in fact, not being biased, look no older than 45 - he is tall, beautiful body, very good looking.

DistanceCall - what particular type of therapy if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 17/12/2012 18:59

Blimey, swinging sounds much harder work than marriage. I will stick with the one man!

You mentioned wanting a child with this man..... poor kid.

SundaeGirl · 17/12/2012 19:01

Sorry, but he's Just Not That Into You - forget him and break up with his wife too, they're using you.

I think there are lots of different ways to have relationship and be happy but since you know you're not happy then you need to look for an alternative.

I'd also try to keep my DD away from theirs. Their DD may tell your DD and that's not what you want at all.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 17/12/2012 19:03

I can't believe he's told his 11 year old daughter about polyamory. I can only imagine the nauseating spin he's given it. I wish I could kick him in the nuts and get somebody who is in a happy monogomous relationship (even if it doesn't last forever) to give the poor child a bit of balance.

What a tosser. I read it all thinking hmm, hmmm, hmmm until I got to the bit about him telling his 11 year old daughter and then I lost patience with it/him.

I agree that it all sounds exhausting.

noddyholder · 17/12/2012 19:06

In am feeling guilty now and may have to do the dance of the seven veils tonight to make up for my taking the p Grin

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 17/12/2012 19:07

I agree wtih the poster who says run for the hills before YOUR daughter knows about this.

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 17/12/2012 19:11

Stripping off thermals doesn't have quite the same allure noddy

Abitwobblynow · 17/12/2012 19:15

There is only one person who can rescue you, and that is yourself.

As for therapy, how about inner child work? When you get in touch with that frightened, abandoned child and soothe her sadness, you will really never want her to be hurt again by tossers like the silver fox [it works].

He said WHAT to an 11 year old child? Can't you see how self-indulgent that is? Wow.

janelikesjam · 17/12/2012 19:15

Get a (real) life OP. Your post is boring and exhausting. I cannot tell you just how boring I found your original post, even assuming its true. The totally shallow emotions, but the jealous outrage yada yadaHmm.

These people have no life outside their own genatalia.

LynetteScavo · 17/12/2012 19:21

If he's told his 11yo DD about this other woman, how long before he mentions you, and his DD tells yours......?

This situation is the perfect example of why monogamous relationships are easier.

You think you have no right to tell this man to fuck off now he's seeing someone else. But he's hurting you, so you do. I think you should break it off and start again. You are still young, and there are decent men out there.

CuttedUpPear · 17/12/2012 19:21

Think hard about what kind of person he is to justify his several sexual relationships to a pre pubescent child.

And think hard about how much he DOESN'T give you.

He's not the man for you and reading your posts it's clear you have talked yourself into believing these situations fill the void for you - and that they don't.

SundaeGirl · 17/12/2012 19:22

Jane, why did you post?

OP, your tale is many things but it really isn't boring.

janelikesjam · 17/12/2012 19:28

Why I posted, is because I did. When 11 yold children are dragged in to support swinging lifestyle, is enough, though if I think about it more.

Still stand by its boring, boring, boring. OP has no boundaries so got stuck in a quaqmire of her own making and now one she will not take responsibility for Hmm.

If you want to sexually play with people's genitalia and emotions ... what do you honestly expect?

janelikesjam · 17/12/2012 19:29

In other words, wake up, grow up.

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