Bacon sarnies in suspenders, jacket strokers, coffee with a small 'c' and LOTS of Coffee with a capital 'C' it's dating thread 32

[lulubellaboozle]

Thought I take the liberty of starting us off again ...

2013 - I'm not distressed by it personally - I'm average height, if a short woman needs a man to tower over her, that's her preference - and I understand the 'enfolding' that women quite often want from a man. Similarly, a man often wants to be able to enfold a woman, so I like to be a bit taller.

The difference, though, is that while hair colour can be changed with dyes and weight can generally be lost in most cases by diet and exercise (if someone wants to, of course) - height is something men can do nothing about.

Some men find 6' plus women more attractive - obviously including very tall men. However, I've never heard of women specifically wanting men shorter than themselves - so very short men lie about their height, or end up getting no dates - and there is nothing they can do about it.

Seems unfair to me, that's all. As I said, I'm 5'10 and most women are shorter than me. It just annoys me when I see 'No shorties or baldies' on POF profiles. You don't tend to see them so much on Match.

Bant do people really put that on POF profiles?

I am really surprised and move than a bit disappointed to know that POF allow that kind of comment on profiles. Do they say 'no blacks, no Irish, no gingers' too?

more (sighs)

Hello everyone, delurking to vent...

A few days ago I plucked up courage to ask a man I know through work and have had a crush on for ages to meet me for coffee, intending to tell him how I felt. In the past I've always waited for a man to make the first move but after several months of waiting and hoping I decided I would rather cope with rejection than uncertainty.

We met in a very chi-chi little cafe - I got there early, bought a coffee and he arrived a few minutes later. I should have realised it wasn't going to work out when he refused to order anything to drink. Admittedly he said he'd been to that cafe several times already that week and as an americano cost the best part of £3 perhaps he felt he'd left enough of his money there. But I felt an idiot, like I was trying to be on a date by myself. Nevertheless I went ahead and told him I liked him. There was a horrible moment just after I had started when I realised he wasn't reacting the way I wanted but I had to plough on anyway, having begun. Then I had to keep dragging him back to the point because he was talking about meeting again and I wasn't sure if he was saying "let's see how it goes" or "no thanks but we can still be friends". In the end I had to ask him point blank if he felt the same way and he said no.

I didn't realise how much I'd hoped for a different answer until then. I managed to keep it together till I got home but then couldn't stop crying. Xmas is making it all ten times worse. I really had hope that things were going to change and I wouldn't be the only one without a partner any more. I've just heard a family get-together between Xmas and New Year isn't going to happen and feel so relieved. It's not that I don't want to see people, but I hate the anniversary aspect - another year single for me, while everyone else moves on with their lives, gets engaged, married, pregnant, etc.

I would now prefer to avoid my colleague but I won't be able to forever - we don't work together closely any more but will be on site together quite a lot for the next few months. I'm dreading the awkward meetings in corridors which will ensue. Any ideas for coping strategies will be gratefully received!

Hey Angeletta I just to say I think that was a fabulous & brave thing to do!

BTW, just wanted to clarify that the Eww in my post was for dating men who remind me of my dad, not for short men!

Angeletta - I agree with Yoga. Unrequited feelings are always tough, especially for a co-worker you see a lot, but it's best to get things out in the open rather than letting things fester.

Think of it like ripping off a plaster, it was painful but it'll get better over time, and the good thing is now you'll see his bad points more and more and wonder why you ever liked him in the first place.

Obviously you're too good for him, he's a bit of a fool not to see that. Just remember to feel sorry for the poor chap.

Yogagirl thank you so much! That cheers me up. Despite not getting the answer I wanted I am glad I did it. I just wish I hadn't waited so long as I could have spared myself months of agonising over it.

Re the height thing, I am 5'2'' and like you prefer a man not to be over 5'10" - most of the men in my family are over 6ft and I get a crick in my neck talking to them, especially as I wear flats most of the time. My office crush is about 5'5''.

angeletta. You were brave. It is better to be brave and find out, even if you don't like what you've found out, because then you know. I am the queen of this. I have certificates and everything.

Xmas is a horrible time for this. Everyone seems blissfully happy, all the advertisements are full of happy people doing happy family stuff...and yet it is the season for family break ups. Take yourself off to the rest of the relationships threads and look at the grass that isn't green...not in a smug way, but that people who outwardly appear to have ideal families aren't necessarily having the best of times either.

By all means have a good cleansing cry. Then plan yourself some lovely me time I really enjoyed this article

Angeletta, you are much braver than I could ever be - the man is clearly has no taste.

Height debate, I am 5' 2" and I reckon the vast majority of my exes are 5' 10" - 11" , not a conscious choice, it just seems to have happened like that. Being a shortarse, the vast majority of men are taller than me so it's not really a factor for me. They do have to be funny though, I can't imagine wanting Coffee with a man who didn't make me laugh.

Banta thanks!! Um, there were indeed a couple of red flags. I had surgery earlier this year and was a bit disappointed that he knew about it and didn't show any sympathy or concern. When we first met over a year ago he made a flirty remark right away and my initial instinct about him was "you're fun to be around but no good in the long term." I now think I was right the first time.

Other bad points? He is slightly out of my ideal age range - ie more than ten years older than me. And looks it because his hair is greying. I rather liked that though, reminded me of a snow leopard.

Snape you're so right. I often think it would be helpful if couples could have little captions over their heads, something like, "Jack and Diane haven't had sex for 5 years. With each other, that is" or "Bob and Sue - staying together for the children. And the mortgage".

Thanks for the link also, great article. I do have a day pass for a very posh health club to use in January so I'm looking forward to that.

MsArsebiscuit totally agree about sense of humour. Snow Leopard is very funny and we could always make each other laugh - it was a big part of his attraction for me and maybe blinded me to his drawbacks.

I'm also 5'2 and partners have varied from around 5'6 to 6'4, some bald and some with full heads of hair.
I've a slight preference for dark haired men, but really it just comes down to that 'je ne sais quoi '

Angeletta if it were me I would act like it had never happened. Head up, smile, keep walking

I appear to have started a debate regarding height. To clarify, I do like very tall men and tend to go for Mediterranean looking types. Having said that, one of the sexiest men I've ever known is approx 5'8 and blond. None of these are things anyone had control over and no, personal preference in general is not fair.

Bant to clarify, when I said I like 'something to get hold of' I mean body wise, not package.

But if I am we're going to talk packages, I have only known two shorter men 'biblically', and despite what I said last night about them being 'in proportion' actually they were not. One was at the very extreme end of the scale (he would have qualified for cosmetic enhancements on the nhs) and the other was also disproportionately small but thinking about it he had south east Asian parentage so statistically would have been more likely to be smaller. So, with a clearer head than last night, if I were doing a statistical survey on height to penis size ratio both of those would be ruled out as anomolies. Regardless of that, I should know better because I had previously looked it up when seeing the recent one and apologise for bringing it up. I'll just jump into the whole I've made now.

Bill good point re being prescriptive.

For anyone interested, the only correlation between any body part and penis size is apparently the ratio of index to ring finger. Something to do with the release of hormones whilst in the womb.

Hello all,

I'm feeling totally crap. My stbexh has got my children today for the first time in ages and taken them to his family Christmas meal. I am desperately wishing I was there too. I used to love being there with his family (that i classed as my own) and all my nieces and nephews. i have got such fond memories of it all. I've cried all afternoon. I went to pick up ds's first bike from the shop and was surrounded by lovely families being all together and happy. I got in the car and sobbed. I have changed my profile on pof and not had a single bit of interest. All the men I was chatting to on there have gone quiet. Just been shopping and had to walk out of shops because silly tears were falling from my eyes.

I just don't know what to do. I hate being alone at Christmas. Absolutely bloody hate it. I hate not going shopping for someone I love. I hate not buying little cute things because you know they will like them. I hate not getting a card to my children from mummy and daddy, I hate not even getting a card off my kids. And I hate it that in this crazy world of online dating that apparently goes crazy at Christmas that I still can't get any bloody interest.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Sob, sob, sob!

I don't want to feel like this. My exh has treated me so badly but the way i feel now i would take him back in a heartbeat. will never happen nor would it be the right thing but i just feel so awful now!

So trying to be positive - do you think I should join match.com? Is there a better quality of folk on there? I really need a bit of fun to gets out of this horrible hole I am in!!!

Snape you don't just have certificates, you have a CROWN! (or was that for something else?)

I have planned a little me time. Decided that despite not having started work yet, having no money and still owing my divorce lawyer, I deserved a little treat. Esp as all I got for the holidays this year was a pair of socks from Lidl that XH seemingly helped the kids buy. Surprised he went to so much trouble really. Found a very cheap last minute deal for an overnight at a nearby hotel and spa. I definitely deserve it and my lawyer can damn well wait his turn !

Oh Nomorepain, hugs xxxx

As others have already said, so many of those 'so called happy families' are just waiting for the new year to begin divorce proceedings. That was me last year. Being on my own is waaayyyy better than that! I love Angeletta's idea that couples should walk around with little captions. LOL@ "Jack and Diane haven't had sex for 5 years. With each other, that is" !

The crown is for being bitter and something can't remember. Knew I should have got it engraved.

nomore I'm sorry you feel so low. You're not alone! We're here!

Match has a three day freebie at the moment I think (I'd save it for Boxing Day) maybe that's just me, I'll check my email and if there's a code, I'll Message it to you. :)

Ex has started drinking. Joy.

Thanks ladies. Think I just feel lonely. I hate being on my own. If it had got a busy day planned then think I would be fine but my friend canc in me earlier, called some other friends and they are doing family stuff and instead I am just feeling very sorry for myself. I just seem to get messages of people I would never, ever want to date and then I think am I setting my sights too high.

Do you think having children puts men off?

Can we just fast forward to jan 3rd? I hate this!!!

Oh, nomore lots of ((())) for you. Sorry you're feeling so low - can completely understand why. But as Snape said you're not alone, and these feelings will pass.

Ok first things first, do something nice for yourself - bath, manicure, deep condition your hair, whatever. Just something that's a little treat for you. Because you deserve it :)

Second, in my (rather worryingly extensive) experience of dating sites, Match is better than POF. More 'serious' men as opposed to chancers/casual shaggers/married men. If you can get a few days free definitely take it - if you get into conversation with anyone just give them an email address (I set one up with my Match username...more anonymous than my usual one, which is my own name!) and then you can keep exchanging messages after the 3 days run out.

I relate to the thing about having no-one to buy presents for, or to buy presents for me. So now, I buy my own :) Might be too late for this year but if you have any spare money after Xmas (unlikely I know!) go and buy yourself something in the sales...even if it's only a little token thing, it's your present for you. Not the same I know, but a good alternative.

nomore if you would like a date in the next week or so how about trying a few more sites? pm me if you want to tailor your profile for each one and I'll have a go. You are eminently dateable but POF will only have a pool of men in your area, if there is nothing there try Match/OKC/GSM etc.
I'm sorry you feel down, for what it's worth I will be spending time with my family this Christmas and it won't be the easy, happy family of the TV adverts I can tell you! I'd far rather be home with a bottle, the Radio Times and the remote control!

Angeletta I think you have been really brave. Fancying someone from afar is so frustrating and I tend to build them up in my head to impssible ideals. You've taken the big step, he doesn't feel the same and it sounds to me like you've had a lucky escape.
Cry until you stop. Then you can move onwards and upwards.

Good luck.

Snape I can't remember why he is there with you. Would you like us to 'take care' of him? There are enough of us...

nomore yes it is so difficult at the moment, the C thing is built up to this big happy family idea and it makes it impossibly tough for anyone who's set up is not like that for whatever reason. In reality there are a lot of unhappy people wandering about, many of whom are in relationships. You will get through this and all of us will be ricocheting around throughout anyway, so you have us.

Yogo fantastic idea!

Alright. Personal preferences question again.

I am thinking of shaving off my beard. I don't have a full one, it's a goatee thing. I've had it for 16 years, and only shaved it off once, partially by mistake. I looked younger (which wouldn't be a bad thing these days) and chubbier (which would).

So - of all the women on here, who is put off a picture of a man with a beard on OD profiles? And who is put off by clean shaven?

well this is my first Christmas since the split, I get to pick up my DC on Christmas night and have them for a few days. Christmas eve and the day itself I'd normally see my family, but all of them have headed off to various parts of the world, so it'll be first one ever on my own. I need to buy some chocolate.

Bant - shave it off! Out with the old and all that!

Sounds like you will need more than chocolate!!

Never thought I'd ever say it but I hate Christmas! Hate, hate, hate it!!!!!

Just tried to call my dad to firm up arrangements and I started crying and had to put phone down just at telling him I was taking the kids to a family service at church! Ah man. This is just the tip of the iceberg isn't it!!!

Thanks for all of your support. I think you are an amazing bunch of people. Intelligent, funny, knowledgeable - just great!! Now all I need is some of your positivity and I will be smiling again!! X

Bant I'd prefer stubble or clean shaven to a goatee. Chubby would be fine by me Regardless of that, you've had a high rate of success with it so far...

I think a serious ZZ top style beard would put me off a man

Other than that I don't think it would matter either way. I know from discussions with friends some women really like the clean-shaven look (one friend in particular hates it if her DH doesn't shave every day) others prefer anything from a bit of stubble to a goatee to a full (but not long!) beard. So horses for courses...you could try shaving it off, if you decide you prefer 'you' with a beard, then just grow it back :)