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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've just called the police on him.. need some support

142 replies

durtletove · 16/12/2012 00:27

I've namechanged as I am probably identifiable under my usual name and I am worried that he may know that I post under it here.

He hit me tonight after the a ridiculous argument. Now he has been arrested.

The police tell me he will probably be released tomorrow. I am really worried what will happen next.

OP posts:
aufaniae · 20/12/2012 22:35

No, people like him rarely change, sorry.

aufaniae · 20/12/2012 22:40

The most dangerous person in this relationship IMO is you.

You should be livid, and getting you and DD away from this excuse of a man.

But something in you is suppressing your own instinct for self-protection.

This is dangerous to you and your DD. I think you should consider counselling for yourself, to examine why you don't protect yourself in the way you should.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I used to be the same.

Doinmummy · 20/12/2012 22:46

Op , people like this rarely change.

durtletove · 20/12/2012 22:57

I have had counselling. For quite some time. I was abused as a child and I guess I do have self esteem issues. I realise I tend to like people who are bad news.

I think he has the right to see dd, are you saying that I shouldn't?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 20/12/2012 23:04

I think he has the right to see dd, are you saying that I shouldn't?

This a common misconception.

Child access is NEVER about the parents rights. The courts, lawyers, social services etc will all tell you that. It is about the childs need to have a meaningful relationship with their parent where it is safe and appropriate.

At the moment, it would not be safe. This man is capable of battering you, do you really think that he wouldnt use your child against you? Turn her against you? Not return her after contact? Lie to her? Upset her? He would do this because he hates you and wants to hurt you. He cant attack you physically now, so he will do whatever he can in other ways.

This is why you need to make a statement. Then you can insist on supervised access based on the fact that he has been violent towards you with her witnessing it. Then she gets to see her father and you both get to stay safe.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2012 23:19

This isn't about his rights

Forget all that Fathers For Justice bollocks

The person with the rights not to be exposed to an abusive man is firstly your daughter, then secondly you

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 21/12/2012 01:13

Another good reason to make a statement would be that if when it comes to court action WRT contact, you will be able to prove that this man is abusive and violent. At present, he may just fuck off completely, or he may contact you demanding full custody of DD and saying he will have you locked up for being mad, and all sorts of nonsense. You can offer reasonable contact (a couple of hours twice a week or whatever), you can insist that it's in a public place and someone else does the handovers ie you can make sure that he isn't able to use 'contact' as a way of harassing you.

crushedintherush · 21/12/2012 19:54

Hi, just a little concerned that my bit about Fathers For Justice has been taken the wrong way.
Anyfuckerforamincepie, I was saying that Fathers forJustice was about using the the children to gain control over their former partners, I wasn't condoning them. Is that what you thought I was doing, or have I got that wrong? Knowing me, probably got it wrong LOL Smile

I watched the docu a while ago and most of the fathers in the programme were wifebeaters who took great delight in making the ex's lives a misery by not turning up to pick up the children as previously arranged, then taking the ex's to court if they tried to stop access due to non attendance. That was my point.

Anyway,

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2012 20:35

crushed, my comment about F4J was completely independent of any that you have made

although I do agree with you x

durtletove · 21/12/2012 23:10

I don't see him seeing her about his rights, more about her right to see her dad. She is constantly asking for him, and I do think that he is a good dad despite what has happened.

I don't think he would do the things to her that you say.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 22/12/2012 00:37

I don't think he would do the things to her that you say.

We will be here for you when he does :( xxx

crushedintherush · 22/12/2012 21:36

Anyfucker, thanks for your reply. Durtle, thinking of you.

Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year to all of you.

May your nights be warm, may your days be bright, and may all your wishes come true for 2013 xxx

BertieBotts · 23/12/2012 10:52

Well, whether you allow him to see her or not or go down the contact centre route or whatever just be aware that his mindset has not changed - whatever allowed him to think, even for a second, that it was acceptable to hit you, is still down there.

Remember what I said, quite early on in the thread? He WILL promise counselling. He WILL promise to try, to take it slow, to change, that it will be different, that he regrets what he has done. It's a script - they all do it. Remember you said you didn't think he would react that way, you thought he would be angry. Please try not to hang on to this as false hope, either because you're grateful or surprised that he isn't angry, or because you're hoping that he's serious about it.

Do not forget that the first thing he did when he had a chance to contact you after the incident was not to beg for forgiveness or tell you how sorry he was or how much he regretted it, it was not to thank you for the wake up call or express how wrong what he did was, no, the first thing that he said to you (and he must have had time to stew on this and reflect, remember) was that he forgave you for calling the police on him.

Which means that he thinks he was more in the right than you were. Which means that no matter what counselling he goes to, anger management, whatever, it's not going to change those underlying beliefs that he has. The ONLY hope of rehabilitation for someone with an abuser's mindset is a dedicated abuser programme, and even those have a fairly low success rate.

What usually happens in these situations is that the abuser promises the world on a stick in terms of counselling and changing and everything turning out alright. Because you have a totally normal sense of grief at the relationship ending (happens even if you were unhappy in the relationship) and the sense of loss of those dreams and hopes and aspirations you had for the relationship, (everyone gets this) - what he's now promising feeds into all of that, because he's saying exactly what you're feeling/wanting, it's easy to see a connection that isn't really there. Although it's very difficult to accept this, it's all words. If your relationship was going to be like that, it would have been like that always - the reason it has gone wrong is the underlying attitudes that he holds that make it acceptable in his mind to control and abuse you. It's not something they do out of spite :( it's genuinely how they think relationships work, not an equal partnership, but a power struggle. You will never change that no matter how much counselling and talking and persuading you do, because you're coming at it from totally different sides. Imagine two people standing with a rope, where one of them is trying to tie it to something, and the other is trying to have a tug of war. And whatever they say to each other, each is convinced that the other is totally on their page, the person tying can't understand why the rope keeps getting pulled out of their hand, and the tug of war person can't understand why the other person isn't putting enough effort in, or why they're trying to cheat.

Leverette · 23/12/2012 10:54

This reply has been deleted

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2012 12:24

I concur

durtletove · 27/12/2012 15:45

I just wanted to come back to thank everyone for posting. It truly means so much to me. Dd and I have been having a brilliant Christmas and things are looking positive. Thank you all.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 27/12/2012 17:15

I'm so very glad to hear that you have been enjoying Christmas with your dd.

In what way are things looking positive and, out of curiousity, have SS been in contact with you?

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