I've just called the police on him.. need some support

[durtletove]

I've namechanged as I am probably identifiable under my usual name and I am worried that he may know that I post under it here.

He hit me tonight after the a ridiculous argument. Now he has been arrested.

The police tell me he will probably be released tomorrow. I am really worried what will happen next.

Does your toddler do that thing where they try and shove half chewed food into your mouth? Mine does, I end up going mmmm nice whilst heaving or saying "no no you eat it" and being force fed it anyway I usually end up wearing what he's eating.

Glad you have managed to eat though, hopefully you can get some sleep to although your mind will be racing if you're anything like me. I felt really guilty for calling the police, I minimised it in my head, felt sorry for ex, worried about how he was coping and how he was feeling - it's only natural I think. It was me that cracked in the end and called him. Just to hear he was ok and stupidly that he had forgiven me . I realise now though it was because I believed that everything was my fault, that u was ways to blame, I provoked him etc etc i made excuse after excuse for him. I was conflicted - he was the father of my child (and I didn't know it then but i was pregnant again) and I loved him. It took time, its still taking time. But, I realise now how emotionally abusive he was, especially when he had been drinking and its only be living without him that I can see the effect it was having on me (and my boys) I hadn't realised it but I walked on egg shells constantly. It is very hard but you will get through it.

Do you know what you want to do? I've assumed through out the thread that you wanted the relationship over, but realised that you haven't actually said that's what you wanted so I'm sorry for that

Not that I am suggesting you stay with him at all.

AF I don't think I could now. I feel like I have already wasted a lot of people's time, and I don't want him punished, just out of my life.

Dino yes she does! Well sort of.. she usually gives me a fresh spoonful from her bowl rather than a half chewed one. She is a good girl though and always makes sure that her mummy is fed. She also always says 'thank you'. I was just thinking today about what a good girl she is.

You are pretty good at describing how I feel now. I know I need to stay strong for my dd and will make phone calls tomorrow to try to sort some things out. She has already seen too much. The police also confirmed that they are obliged to make a social services referral, and I know that they would take a pretty dim view if they found out that he was still living here.

Right now everything is a mess.

Guess what though: I did get a text saying he 'forgives me'. Asshole.

I agree. He is an asshole. I hope you didn't reply.

No, I haven't.

Right now the bruise on my cheek has come up and I wondering whether to:
a)cover it with make up
b)don't bother and tell people that I had an accident
I'm not sure if trying to cover it up will make it look worse, and it didn't really work when I tried it today.

Definitely an asshole!

You don't need his forgiveness. You did the right thing. He obviously doesn't think he did anything wrong and that just sums up people like him. You don't deserve to be treated badly, you don't deserve to be hit or hurt with fists, words or actions. And you are showing your daughter that she too deserves to be protected and I know it is so hard with her asking for her daddy and you probably feel like you have broken the family up but you haven't - he has. Things will get worse before they get better but they will get better. Don't get swayed by thinking of Christmas and promises of a fresh start, you will get your fresh start - you and your daughter, safe, happy and stronger

c) don't cover up the bruise and when people ask you tell the truth

c

He forgives you?? Cheeky fucker.

I wouldn't try to cover it up. I would leave it and tell people the truth, if you can stomach it. If not then an accident is a good enough cover story, and you can always explain later down the line, if you wish.

Good luck with your phone calls tomorrow.

d) go to the police and show the bruise

Don't forget to take photos of the bruise.

Hope you are doing ok.

Another vote for c) here

"Yes it is bad isnt it? X did it, and I havent seen him since the police took him away"

Stay strong xx

Oh and don't think of him being "punished" versus him staying away . He will only stay away when he is made to, so you making a statement will help make sure that happens.

He will know by now that you wouldnt make a statement and he will use that against you. Go to the police station tomorrow and tell them what happened as that will send a message to him that you are not to be fucked with and that you will use whatever means you can to keep him away from you.

You said in your earlier posts that you were frightened of his reaction, that you thought he would be angry at you. And guess what? He wasnt! He "forgave" you in order to try and get you to back down, because like all bullies he shits himself when someone stands up to him.

He is trying to keep control and the best thing you can do is to take that control away. Give a statement, block his number and get legal advice.

Please make a statement. A man who writes that he 'forgives' you is one without remorse. You need to demonstrate that there are serious consequences for him when he hurts you.

The best way to keep him away from you is to get the police involved.
From there you can ask for a court order to keep him away.

And it definitely sends him the message that he can't mess up with you.

Your dd has had to learn how to be a 'good girl' at a very young age, hasn't she? Don't you find that a tad worrying?

For her sake if not your own, you should have co-operated with the police by making a statement. Now that you have a visible sign of injury caused by him, it's not too late to get back to the police and let them do their job properly.

Use the WA website www.womensaid.org.uk to locate your nearest branch and give them a call during usual office hours tomorrow.

Please make a statement. You havent wasted anyone time and I feel sad that you think you have.

The best way to keep him out of your life is to make a statement.

C and D are the way forward.

Take a photo of your cheek. Better still, tell the police you are ready to make a statement and get them to take the photo.

They are there to protect you. I know it's difficult to see right now, but you need protection from this man, and it is the police's job to do that.

Giving a statement gives them more tools with which to protect you. Not doing it is shielding your ex from the consequences of his actions, and he doesn't deserve that. Not at all.

Please, reconsider. And please, expel any feelings of wasting anyone's time! The police are there to help you, it's their job. You have not created any of this, your ex has. Why do you think you're wasting people's time? He's treated you terribly, and you did what you needed to to keep you and your DD safe. That's a very valuable use of your time, and the police's too.

OP, uncovered bruises is how i managed to tell my friends what my Ex did to me. I didn't realise they were on show, one of my friends saw, and i couldn't shouldn't lie about it. I told her the truth and she was great. Then i told a few more of my friends and it felt like a weight had been lifted.

I hope you are ok.

Morning OP

Just keep these things in mind.

He uses violence against you and its not the first time, tells you the police won't believe you when you call them, gets angry that you call the police then FORGIVES YOU.

Never have him back and I would strongly suggest that you give a statement today.

I gave a statement to police when my H nearly broke my nose, and I agreed that I would give eveidence if they decided to prosecute. They only cautioned my H, but if he had attacked me again they told me he would have been prosecuted.

When you said he forgives you, it made my blood run cold as it is just more of the same nasty control he is attempting to exert. Hes like the thief thats not sorry he stole - only sorry he got caught.

You cannot live like this as you will only be waiting for the next time

Echoing what other posters have said OP. Make a statement and take photos of the bruise.
Having been through an abusive relationship, I cannot stress highly enough how important it is to have the police and social services involved. Yes, you read that right. I went through the child protection process with DD and my ex, and it actually made me feel safer.
You are so much more sorted than I was. Many of us are too scared or too worn down to call the police, but they have seen it all before. You wont be the mildest case or the worst they have seen.
If your STBX was prosecuted he may well have to undergo a court-ordered programme aimed at getting him take responsibility for his behaviour. My ex went on two. He didn't change, just realised that he had to be more subtle about his control. I on the other hand was given access to the partner programme which provided much needed support and validation. It was invaluable, turned my whole thought process around and lifted me out of the mire of denial and minimisation. I saw exactly what he was, and I saw I was worth more.

And as for your thoughts about your DD, i felt similar, with massive guilt, even though she was planned (before I realised what an abusive twat he was). The longer I was away from him, the better I felt. I hated that I had this permanent tie to him, but that has gone away now. She is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Wishing you love and strength.

The best way you can do the right thing by your DD, by working to keep her safe and make sure that Ss realise that she is safe in your care, is to give a statement.

It will make it official that he is an abuser. You should know that he is very unlikely to stop here - he will try to continue his control of you, and if you refuse to let him back, the most likely thing he will turn to is your DD, trying to maintain control over you through her.

Pressing charges will give you ammunition to get supervised contact if you need it to protect your daughter. Photo those bruises and get to the police station, please. You might really regret not doing so when he starts demanding to control contact arrangements and/or takes YOU to court, and you have nothing concrete to prove what he is like.

Saying he forgives you means he believes you are the one who did wrong. Not the man who hit his wife in the face, but the wife who called for help, did wrong. If it was anyone but yourself, how would you feel hearing about that? If it wasn't your DD's daddy but your best friend's OH, or some bloke you read about in the local paper, you'd be fuming rather than conflicted. You'd be thinking, how dare he. But because you are the one it's happened to, thinking is all mixed up with feeling and naturally confused. Try to step back and look at it from the outside. A person who behaves like that should not get away with it. It is sad that someone you love(d) has turned out to be that sort of person but it is not your fault. The argument may have been - I don't know, I wasn't there - but the hitting was emphatically not.

" You might really regret not doing so when he starts demanding to control contact arrangements and/or takes YOU to court, and you have nothing concrete to prove what he is like."

That's a really good point.

You need his actions on record, so that if he does get nasty about demanding more access than you want to give, or is in DD's interests, or using contact arrangements to play games with you.

Yes, get everything on record, give a statement, tell everyone that he hit you and that's why you have ended the relationship. Men like this deserve to be publicly shamed and have everyone know how inadequate and horrible they are. You can get through this and make a better life for yourself and DD; you can gradually tell her that Daddy was very naughty and has had to go away for a while. He may disappear and make no effort to see her; he may demand contact but you can insist that contact is supervised and that you don't have to see or speak to him.

Best of luck.