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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just called the police on him.. need some support

142 replies

durtletove · 16/12/2012 00:27

I've namechanged as I am probably identifiable under my usual name and I am worried that he may know that I post under it here.

He hit me tonight after the a ridiculous argument. Now he has been arrested.

The police tell me he will probably be released tomorrow. I am really worried what will happen next.

OP posts:
DinosaursOnAnAdventCalender · 17/12/2012 10:13

How are you this morning? Hope you managed to get some sleep.

If you decided to make a statement the police will photograph your bruise (they took photos of my neck even though there was barely a scratch) I know its really scary, and you are probably feeling like it would be a massive over reaction right now but that's guilt and shame talking - it's not an over reaction, it will protect you in the long run to have all the facts down on paper. Plus it shows you are co-operating with the police and social services, and are serious about making a fresh start and protecting your daughter. If you are local to me I would come and hold your hand if you need me too. (Birningham)

I don't know how you feel about arranging contact for him to see your dd, and its probably to early for you to know how you feel about it and how things will work out but if you think there will be any issues now would be a good time to see a solicitor (whilst all this is going on). My ex used to tell me I was a bad mother and threaten to take ds if we ever split. I saw a solicitor and explained the situation. I was able to go to court only days later (without exes knowledge) and ask for (and was granted) a prohibited steps order which prevented ds from being taken out of my care. Ex was notified afterwards and given a court date for a few weeks later for him to apply for contact etc (I was given residency at the second court hearing) I was also asked by the solicitor if I wanted to apply for a non molestation order but I didn't feel I needed one. We were offered cafcass help to work out access but declined and left the court system to work it out ourselves. I was reassured because I knew that ds would need to be returned to my care and couldn't just be taken from me. Sorry for the very long post but the point I'm trying to make is that if you think there will be contact issues or you are worried about him around her then now is the time to act on it whilst you will have police and social services support.

olgaga · 17/12/2012 11:31

You can also get advice from NCDV, and speak to the police non-emergency number 101 to discuss making a statement and for reassurance.

Please, don't just let it drift.

Original poster
durtletove · 17/12/2012 23:12

Today only one person asked, maybe others noticed but didn't feel able to ask. I lied about how it happened. I understand why people think I should say the truth but I really don't want people feeling sorry for me. Plus people at my work love to gossip, and I know it would get round quickly.

Dino things have been pretty good. I feel pretty good atm. I feel free finally. Before this had happened, I had asked him to leave but he had refused. Now I am able to talk to who I want and do what I want. (He was so controlling). I had a really good day at work too.

I was going to contact organisations today re advise about contact etc but I didn't want to call from work so didn't get a chance. I'll try tomorrow.

Dd is still asking for her daddy, but is happy. She picked up the phone today and asked for daddy.

As for making a statement, I don't know if I'm ready to do that and the consequences. He is dd's dad and I don't want him to lose his job.

OP posts:
Lueji · 17/12/2012 23:35

durtle,

I have told people when occasion presented and it has been liberating.
I don't care if they gossip. So far I haven't got the impression that they have.

It was not your fault. It was his.
And you did the right thing. You should be proud.

I do think that these men should be exposed to the world.
Would you protect a street assailant?

Original poster
durtletove · 17/12/2012 23:39

Lueji, nobody at work knows him, other than a couple of friends having met him briefly. It's not about protecting him, I just don't want everyone knowing what's going on. I have told one friend, she is supporting me.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 17/12/2012 23:50

It's good that you're feeling free :) Do try and contact organisations etc ASAP, because the longer you leave it the harder it gets as it feels more trivial, but it will be better long term to have done it, and you'll know where you stand legally if he tries to muscle his way back in etc.

The fact that he says he "forgives" you means, I think, that he's under the impression it's not over...

anameforahouse · 17/12/2012 23:53

Why do you think he will lose his job?

Original poster
durtletove · 17/12/2012 23:55

Bertie I have called woman's aid so I have taken steps. They have given me contact details for other resources and I will try tocontsct them asap. I do want to set up contact for dd's sake asap.

Thank you for the offer dino, but I'm not anywhere near you unfortunately. I do really appreciate your support.

OP posts:
Original poster
durtletove · 17/12/2012 23:56

Aname he works in a job where a criminal record would look very bad.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/12/2012 00:04

And why is his job your problem?

He beat you up, so clearly he wasn't worried about his job when he was punching you black and blue.

You really need to get out of this mindset of worrying about him. Did he worry about you when he was hitting you? Did he worry about you when he was under arrest? Does he worry about you now? No. He cares about one person and one person only. Him.

HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE AND HIM LOSING HIS JOB IS HIS FAULT, NOT NOT NOT YOURS.

Make the statement, let him know that you are not to be messed with. If only, as has been mentioned above, to ensure that he cant have unrestricted access to your DD and use her to hurt and manipulate you. Can you imagine the damage he could do to her with you not around to protect her?

bubbles1231 · 18/12/2012 00:05

But that's his problem, not yours. You don't need to protect him for his own behaviour

bubbles1231 · 18/12/2012 00:06

x post

Original poster
durtletove · 18/12/2012 00:08

Bogey he is a good dad. I have no objection to him having access. Dd loves him very much. It wouldn't be good for her to have her dad made unemployed. For me its not so clear cut.

OP posts:
Lueji · 18/12/2012 00:09

I think one thing is stating you are separating. Another to lie about it.

You could at least let your boss know in case there's trouble, or you have to take time off work.

Original poster
durtletove · 18/12/2012 00:13

Lueji I'm not sure I understand your post, are you saying that I should tell people at work that we are separating?

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 18/12/2012 00:18

I've been lurking. How are you now Op? Please think carefully about not making a statement. I bitterly regret not doing so even 14 years down the line.

Try to think of it as helping other women who might have the misfortune of crossing paths with him . Look at a photo of yourself when you were little. What would you want for that little girl?

You have done a very brave thing. Continue to be strong. Make a statement.

Bogeyface · 18/12/2012 00:21

Sweetie, I dont want to be horrible, but you are being blinded by how your DD feels about him, and taking that over what kind of man you know he really is. The man who beat you to a pulp.

Do you honestly think that a man who will batter his OH, who hates her so much that he controls her every move, will just let her go?

No, he will use any means he can to continue to control you and moreover, to PUNISH you. He knows he cant hit you anymore as you wont take it. So what else will he have if he isnt living with you? Your DD.

Believe me, there are people out there that will do ANYTHING to a child if they think it will hurt their ex.

HE IS NOT NORMAL, HE IS NOT KIND, HE IS A VERY VERY BAD FATHER AND YOU ARE WRONG TO THINK OTHERWISE.

Sorry, but there it is.

Calling social services and alleging abuse, getting others onside to get custody, saying cruel and vicious things that fuck a child up for life..... none of these are unusual. He should be kept away from you for life, and kept at arms length from your DD. He ISNT safe to be around her! And the only way you will get supervised access is to get him convicted of domestic abuse.

Forget what it will do to him, google what some parents do to their children in the name of getting back at an ex, and PROTECT HER.

Bogeyface · 18/12/2012 00:22

Oh and I should add that isolating a mother from her children is very common too. Schmoozing the kids so that they love daddy and dont like mummy (cos she does the actual parenting) happens alot. "See, even DD doesnt like you, thats how shit you are!", when actually, DD has been conditioned to do what Daddy wants because otherwise she knows that Daddy will get angry.

calamitySammy · 18/12/2012 00:23

Been there my lovely. All I can say is phone some the support groups charities suggested and get advise. Your not alone, theres alot of help out there and a womans support worker should get in touch. Hope you get some sleep x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 00:25

OP, I agree with bogey

While you are still calling this violent man a "good dad" you are not sufficiently protecting your dd.

izzyizin · 18/12/2012 00:40

Have you not heard of the saying 'tell the truth and shame the devil'? There's no reason whatsoever for you to lie to spare the blushes of the devil who hit you.

As for him acquiring a criminal record, can you be certan his slate is clean and may we take it he doesn't hit his boss, colleagues, mates, dps/dsibs, strangers, etc, as he only vents his anger on you?

It's all very well for you keep this under wraps, as it were, but what are you going to do when he decides he's coming home to you and his dd?

It occurs to me you may return home from work or shopping to find his feet under the table him in situ in the not too distant future. It's Christmas next week. Hes not likely to want to be away from his dd over the festive season, is he?

Bogeyface · 18/12/2012 00:54

OP, I really dont want to scare you, none of us do, but unless you protect yourself and your DD then what I and Izzy described could well happen. And as AF said, as long as you excuse his violence because of his perceived parenting then you are not protecting her.

You rang the police even though you and he always thought you wouldnt, you found the strength somehow. You can find that strength again, because it is for your little girl. Girls who grow up with abusive fathers often end up with abusive partners, do you want that for her?

You can stop that happening, you have that power :)

izzyizin · 18/12/2012 01:22

he is a good dad I beg to differ, honey. A 'good dad' doesn't abuse the mother of his child/ren at any time, and do do so in front of his is child/ren is beyond reprehensible and tantamount to abusing them too.

Look at what you said on page 3; ' She also always says 'thank you'. I was just thinking today about what a good girl she is'.

This is a toddler who's exhbiting signs of being preternaturally ''good'. Has she learned that's an expedient way to behave around him from you, or is it behaviour that he's required of her?

I hope you will utilise whatever help SS are able to provide to keep him away from your home and to ensure that any contact he has with your dd takes place in the supervised environment of an accredited contact centre.

anameforahouse · 18/12/2012 08:40

How would his job know he had a criminal record? Unless he got locked up, which is unlikely I imagine, or unless they ask fir a CRB on a regular basis, they would have no idea.

A statement is a tool to protect yourself with.

I do understand how hard it is, I've been there myself. I was really reluctant to call the police on my ex, I don't know why now. I was scared of repercussions i suppose. Eventually a friend did. Once the police were involved things got much easier for me, I couldn't have got free of him without their help.

Even if you don't feel ready to talk to them today, please take a picture of the bruise. It may help you in the future.

I knew a woman (a neighbour) whose partner was violent to her. One of them (we all suspected him) became violent towards the children. He managed to convince SS it was her who was harming the kids and got custody of them. It was tragic. The last time I saw her she seemed a broken woman Sad god knows what kind of life the kids have had. She never went to the police about his violence, things might have been different if she had.

I'm not saying that this will happen to you, but that you don't know what the future holds. He may well be a dick about custody or access. If you don't have proof he's been violent to you, how can that be taken into account?

Please, can you talk to the police and let them know the reason you're worried about giving a statement is you think he might lose his job, i expect they can give you some advice.

Arcadia · 18/12/2012 08:57

You should be able to get a non molestation order (usually called 'an injunction') against him for that if the police are not progressing it; make sure you have a photo of the bruise to include as an exhibit with the statement that you will need to do. You need to find a solicitor who does legal aid and get them to assess you to see if you are financially eligible. You will not need to take your partner's finances into account for the assessment and if you are on income support you would be automatically eligible. The non-molestation order means that any contact from him could result in him being arrested and charged with a criminal offence. Good luck.