I've just called the police on him.. need some support

[durtletove]

I've namechanged as I am probably identifiable under my usual name and I am worried that he may know that I post under it here.

He hit me tonight after the a ridiculous argument. Now he has been arrested.

The police tell me he will probably be released tomorrow. I am really worried what will happen next.

Morning, hope you slept ok.

I'm glad you have your friend supporting you, I found the whole thing quite isolating as I didn't know what if anything to tell people. I remember panicking afterwards about ex losing his job, it shouldn't have been my concern but I couldn't help it and I also didn't want people to think badly of him - I've since read that its a normal response, and even now I don't tell people in real life why we split up, I'm a little embarrassed, concerned I won't be believed and don't want to be gossiped about. I know that the way I feel is wrong though and I should be proud for putting my boys first and walking away makes me strong but that will come with time and confidence. You will get to a point when all the drama and high emotions have died down, when you feel settled again and your new normal life resumes when you'll suddenly realise what a bastard he was to have done this and you'll feel yourself harden to the sympathy that you have for him now. It doesn't happen over night.

It surprised me that out of the people who do know what happened (mostly people who live on my road and drink in the little pub a few doors down) no one was really shocked. I thought he came across as charming and was popular, I was convinced that I would be the bad guy and his 'mates' would make my life harder - I was certainly led to believe this would be the case, but everyone just seemed to accept it, it wasn't questioned (they only knew because the police did some door to door looking for witnesses and looked for him in the pub) so maybe he didn't hide his controlling, nasty side as well as I thought he did. (Although they are all his best buddies again now, bet they talk about him when he's not there though!)

People, and children, pick up alot more than we think (or want to believe they do) I thought I was shielding my children from him (verbally abusive, controlling, just plain nasty) but I wasn't. I knew it when I heard exes words come out of ds1s mouth, and not just his words but his tone of voice, the expression on his face. I knew 100% then that I had done the right thing. He can't be a good father if he treats the mother of his child the way he does. He might play games, bring her treats, read stories at bedtime but its not enough. He needs to make her feel safe, secure and confident and he is failing to do that.

Whatever you decide to do about giving a statement etc it is now a decision you can make without feeling controlled or pressured for once, so do whatever it is that you think is best for you. Whatever you decide to do you have my support.

And on the plus side, maybe my long rambling pointless posts will send you off to sleep! Bonus!

that was a great post, dino...not rambling or zzzz at all

Ok, let's look at this.

He has assaulted you by hitting your face. It's not the first time it has happened. Your daughter has witnessed (although not necessarily that particular assault) his abuse of you.

What I will say is that you have the absolute right to be free from fear and free from physical danger.

You have options here. You can stay, or you can go. There is always somewhere to go - you can phone Women's Aid or the Police or the Council and they will provide somewhere to stay for you. I realise how difficult it is to decide what to do.

You have all my sympathy op. And I'm not trying to tell you what to do or how to move forward. All I'm saying is that there are options. You don't have to stay with him if you decide you don't want to.

Your local Women's Aid group will have the details of a local and sympathetic solicitor should you want one.

They can provide all sorts of emotional and practical support. They have been a life line for a lot of women. Give them a go!

Thanks AF. I know I've said it before but I would never have had the strength to leave Exp if it wasn't for your posts and advice on a thread I had (not under this name) and many other threads i had about the same thing over and over as the advice took ages and many name changes to sink in. I will be forever grateful to you (and others that posted) and although you probably don't realise it, you have played a part in changing the lives of two little boys who are happier now than they have been in a good few years. Thank you.

OP - how has your day been?

erk [fwine]

huh ? why isn't the wine emoticon all festive ?

never mind...have a

Im not sure the OP is ready at the moment AF and dinosaurs.

I hope that one day she finds the strength.

I hope so too, Jax

but going off what dino said, if she keeps hearing it, and keeps processing it...maybe one day she will

Thank you for the (its shloer right as I don't drink )

It is hard, its also hard to come back to a thread when you've been given loads of advice and told how brilliant you are only to admit that you've wobbled, or that you're not ready, or that you made a decision that people are advising against. Because you feel like a failure, like you have let people down, that they'll be angry. In my case, I had loads of threads that I just didn't return to as I didn't want to admit that I hadn't followed advice, so I just name changed and forgot about it, until the next time.

It took a long time and loads of incidences for me to be ready to say 'enough' and mean it. Each time I felt weak and stupid but in reality I was getting stronger and stronger until one day I did it.

OP, if you're readying this, and you have decided not to make a statement/to try and work things out/or anything else then please don't feel that you can't say so. Not that I am suggesting you have and that's why you haven't posted, because I'm not, I just mean that if you have, you can say so and not be worried about letting anyone down or saying the wrong thing. We don't matter, its your life and your decisions and whenever you are ready to take that huge step the support will be there for you.

I hope you are ok.

Yes, OP, despite some understandable frustration at times on behalf of respondents (which tends to be shortlived) MN is remarkably understanding and willing to go over and over the same ground

I haven't disappeared. I've just been busy at work and then with dd. She isn't sleeping well atm.

Today a woman (who I suspect had MH issues) had a completely unprovoked go at me when I was out with dd. It affected me a lot more than it should have. I was thinking afterwards why didn't I stand up for myself and tell her that that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. I hate conflict, and I guess I was probably the bigger person by just walking away.

Dd is still missing daddy. She also said something today which surprised me: 'Not a good girl'. Why would she say that?

Dino your posts mean a lot to me and make perfect sense. I don't think I am able to make a statement atm but will see how things go.

I have been in touch with Woman's Aid, and am looking at options re occupation order etc. They told me that refuge places are extremely limited and I would need to move far away in all likelihood, so that probably isn't an option as I wouldn't want to uproot dd.

Keep talking, love

To us, to WA, to RL friends and family

As I'm sure is apparent, I have some serious concern around your tiny dd's preoccupation with being 'good' and I'm wondering if it's possible that when saying 'not a good girl' she is under the impression her f is not around because she's been 'bad'.

Or did she say those words in such as way to make you think she was directing them at you - i.e. you are 'not a good girl' and that's why he's gone?

Izzy I thought the same (as your first statement). She was referring to herself. She hadn't done anything and hadn't been told off. I am concerned how she is coping.

Is 'good' a word that's frequently used by you or your h around your dd?

Is she told when she is being a 'good' girl and when she's being 'bad' or 'naughty'?

You've said she 'hadn't been told off'. In what way does she get 'told off' and what does she do to merit being 'told off'?

I heard something recently (in a presentation about contact with fathers after DV) and it really struck a chord.
Society has the bar for 'good enough fathering' set so low that all a man has to do is be present in their child's life to be thought if as a 'good dad'. Whereas 'good enough mothering' is almost impossible to achieve, the standard is so high.
The presentation was questioning the assumption that contact was de facto better than no contact, and why society seems able to separate out 'parenting' and criminal or abusive behaviour, when the second deeply impacts the first.

OP I'm not suggesting that you don't allow contact, but I just want you to really think about what kind of a father he really is, and what messages he teaches your daughter. Izzy's concerns about how 'good' she is ring bells with me too.

And please make a statement- it's evidence against future abuse and difficulty which, with such a controlling man, are guaranteed to happen.

Durtle, many children think they are at fault when their parents separate or one leaves.
She may think that dad is not there because she was a bad girl.
You nee to explain to her what happen in terms that she can understand and process.
Also talk with her when she says something like that. Ask her what ge means and expand from that.
Children nee to be able to talk about these issues.

I took DS to a psychologist who told me he was doing fine and had the tools to cope with our separation through DV, some of which he has witnessed post break up.
Exactly because he felt comfortable talking about it.

Morning, hope your dd slept for you (my ds3 actually slept through for the first time last night and the boys didn't wake up stupidly early either, typical on the one morning I have an early appointment that no one was up to wake me.)

Sorry that lady upset you, on the plus side though, its got you to question your responses to situations. You reacted like most people would, you walked away. You didn't escalate the situation, you didn't over react, you didn't lash out - you reacted normally. The thing is though, you are used to an abnormal response to situations, shouting, sulking, aggressive behaviour that has become your own personal normal. You avoid conflict because you have your daughter to protect, there is no shame in that at all. Plus of course, you are probably used to trying to down play everything as not to upset your ex. You did nothing wrong, I'm sorry you had to face it though especially when you have so much going on already.

When ex and I split up, I asked social services during their visit about counselling for the boys but they said I would need to go through the GP or through the school. Maybe you could speak to your doctor and ask if there are any services available to you. People kept (and still keep) recommending home start or sure start (I can never remember if its home or sure) but I haven't ever gotten round to calling them. Mainly because I feel that I have something to prove by struggling on my own (full of issues me!) but they seem to have a good reputation and might be worth looking into. I will have to do something in a few weeks when the baby is born as I have no one other than myself and need to get a grip and ask for the help I need. Stupid pride! But I'm learning and gaining confidence every day and you will too!

I can see sometimes how my situation has affected my ds1 especially, I see it in the way he talks to ds2. I'm ashamed that I've allowed it to happen but we are working on it. As your dd is so young you can undo any affect it could have had on her. Don't worry, you have done the best thing for her and its unsettling for her but she will used to it.

Off to my appointment now. Don't especially want to be anywhere near a hospital with all these bugs going round. Maybe i should take a mask!

Hi, just echoing things that have been said.

Make that statement , then never take him back. Ever.

He won't change. He will constantly blame you for calling the police and punish you for it. Forgiven you he ain't, believe me. He is a manipulative, pathological bully who will always be one step ahead of you, and he will break you even more than you already are.

Also, if you did go back to him after making the statement, and he lost his job as a result, he'll punish you for that too.

Make that statement, show him you mean business. And go...as far away as possible. For your sake as well as your daughter.

As far as contact is concerned, don't go down those lines. He will break contact orders, not bother turning up to pick your daughter up when arranged, then drag you through the courts if you try to stop access. I've seen it happen. Remember Fathers for Justice? There was a documentary on TV about them, it wasn't about them wanting access to the kids, it was to use their kids to gain control over their former partners.

You see, that statement is key. The courts will be on your side throughout everything after making that, as it will be in black and white what kind of a man he is.

Sorry if I sound harsh. I was a victim of domestic violence too. I am now married to a normal guy who doesn't screw around with my head. One who would never lay a finger on me. I never thought many years ago that that would have been possible. You deserve this too, and so does your daughter .....
Take care

Izzy she is often called a good girl - by both my and exp when she is showing good behaviour. She has had some behavioural problems and I was advised by an outreach worker from Sure start to constantly praise her when she is behaving well.

Looking back her dad often said 'that's not a good girl' when she wasn't behaving. I realise now that it isn't right to label the child, rather than her behaviour, but at the time I thought nothing of it.

I tend to tell her off by saying no don't do that, say sorry, and rarely put her in time out.

Lueji, I understand what you are saying and that is what I am worried about. The difficulty is that her age (just turned 2), while I think she is very bright, she is unable to really comprehend what is going on. I do worry she just thinks that daddy is gone because she has been a bad girl. Talking to her in a way she can understand is difficult, and tbh I don't know how to start.

Dino thank you again for your support and reassurance. I do hope that she won't be affected in the long term by this. It makes a lot of sense what you are saying.

Crushed I can't move far away - I have my work, my dd goes to nursery, I have friends locally. I don't want to uproot dd from her home after all that has happened. Woman's aid told me that refuge spaces are very scarce. I understand about making a statement but I just don't know if I have the strength.

Dd didn't ask for her daddy today for the first day. I just hope that she will sleep better tonight, and am thinking of setting up contact soon just so she knows that her daddy hasn't disappeared.

You can tell her that dad had to go away for a while but he is coming back.
Knowing what to expect reassures children.

Actually, you should no say she is a good girl when she behaves, because when she doesn't she will assume she's a bad girl.

Praise should be of the behaviour, not the person.
So, not you were a good girl, but you behaved very well today, for example.
The same with being proud. She should be proud of herself mainly. Avoid you being proud, because the alternative is you being disappointed.
Fine once in a while, but not as a rule.

Besides, you can point out how nice it has been for all when she behaves, and what a good time she had.

Durtle, I'm sorry, never thought of the practical side of things, please accept my apology.

Hope things work out for you and your daughter, my fingers are crossed for you and will be thinking of you ????

Morning, hope you slept ok (my one night of ds3 sleeping through didn't last, thought it was to good to be true!)

How are you feeling about everything now? It doesn't help that its so close to Christmas, do you have anyone to spend the day with?

How is ex reacting? I'm hoping he's not causing you any trouble x

Lueji that is a good point. I didn't see it like that before.

Crushed no need to apologise.

Dino right now I'm doing ok. Just getting on with life. I'm going to spend Christmas with my family.

I have spoken to ex, he is sweet as sugar. He wants to see her and I have no objection so it will happen soon. Talking to him makes me feel very conflicted. He has offered to do counselling, take things slow etc. I realise how stupid this sounds in print. Surely people can change?