I've just called the police on him.. need some support

[durtletove]

I've namechanged as I am probably identifiable under my usual name and I am worried that he may know that I post under it here.

He hit me tonight after the a ridiculous argument. Now he has been arrested.

The police tell me he will probably be released tomorrow. I am really worried what will happen next.

Bossy I will try soon. I'm up now with dd and wondering how long it is till they release him. I do feel rather relieved I have got rid of him now though. I had been asking to leave before this but he had refused too. I just really felt trapped but I hope this is the end.

Bogey I do feel like I haven't been as good as I could have done to dd. I feel terrible to admit it but I have really resented her for what she made me give up. After her birth I was totally isolated (her dad wasn't here either) and I really struggled. She is a wonderful, clever, and loving child but wasn't planned and I do wonder what might have been.

1. this is him. Stop kidding yourself. He is a man who hits his wife.
2. he isn't a good dad. He is abusing you in front of her and therefore abusing her. Stop kidding yourself.

He is not a good dad. A good dad would not hit his child's mother. As for the PND, I had it too, and felt like a bad mother, but I wasn't, and I'm sure you aren't either. You will get through this, you and your daughter deserve better. Good luck and stay strong.

You can ask for support from the police, if you Google for domestic violence services in your area there should be a dedicated phone number. When he gets released, expect him to come back full of remorse, crying, promising to do courses, counselling, to change. He will be on his best behaviour and could easily convince you that it's different this time. This is a script. They all do it, and it's very hard to resist. I wanted to let you know so that you can be prepared.

If you want to prevent him from being able to return to the house at all for the time being there is a legal order you can get to this effect. Women's aid or your local dv organisation can help you with this.

I have had to call the police only once (so I don't know if this is how it always goes but its how it was for me) and it was this year.

Called the police after my ex hit me during and arguement. I had 11 month old ds with me at the time.

He was arrested and taken for an interview under caution.

I was interviewed by the police and had to answer some questions on a questionaire sheet too (such as, has he ever mistreated an animal, am I scared of his reactions to situations, am I confortable leaving him to take care of the children etc)

He was bailed but as part of his conditions he wasn't allowed on my road (even though we lived together at the time) or to contact me.

I was given some information for domestic violence organisations (I called them but they didn't get in touch with me) and was also told that there would be a referral to social services as there had been a child in the house at the time.

Social services did turn up a couple of days later, they discussed with me what had happened and what I wanted to happen next. Looked around the house and made an appointment to come back in 2 weeks time to see how things were and speak to the children.

Had a visit from the local police just asking how I was, did I have enough support etc

They returned and asked how things were (I explained that the relationship was definitely over, and that I had seen a solicitor about residency of our child, severed joint bank accounts, removed his stuff from the house) they looked around the house again, spoke briefly to my older children (asked if they were happy, worried about anything etc). Left saying they were satisfied and happy with how things were going and would write to me.

Exes bail was up and he was told that the cps wouldn't be pressing charges. He was able to be on my road again etc (but had been scared by his experience so hasn't cause me any trouble)

Had a follow up call from the police after the bail conditions had expired, just checking everything was ok.

Had a letter 3 months later from social services saying we had been signed off and there would be no further action, and thanking me for my co-operation. Also inviting me to ask them for a copy of their report if I wanted to see it.

It sounds very scary but every person involved was nothing but supportive and kind to me. I can't fault the police or social services although I was terrified of their involvement.

There is support out there, but I found that you have to approach them rather than wait for them to approach you. I am sorry you've found yourself in this situation it's a lonely and scary place to be. I hope you are ok x

The police have given me a number to call. Right now they tell me that they don't know what is happening. He may not be released today.

Bertie I don't think he will do that. I think he is very angry at me for daring to call the police and still will be. I just worry about what will happen when they do release him.

Dino cross post. Thank you for that.

I didn't realise that they may make a social services referral, that sounds scary. I tried to hide my pnd as I was worried that seeking help would mean them taking my child from me. I realise now that it was the illness that was making me think like that, but I still do worry that I'm not a good enough mum. My flat is always messy. My dd is very active and has had quite a few accidents. I just worry how things could look.

You need to call women's aid for advice about that. The police are there to protect you. You can refuse him entry to the house and if he harasses you then call the police.

I tried calling them again today but it went again to voicemail. I've left a message this time. The police number isn't open till Monday

I was really worried too, infact the first time social services turned up I panicked and didn't let them in as the house was a mess and so was I, I told them that we were exhausted and having a sleep and could they come back tomorrow, which they did and it didn't go against me but at the time I thought that it might. When they did come back I had tidied up but it wasn't by any means spotless. They didn't look in my room luckily as it was a tip but looked at the kitchen and the children's bedroom. I asked what it was that they looked for and it was basic hygiene in the kitchen (clean plates and having some food in I think) and basic standards in the children's room (sheets on the bed, quilts, toys).

I told them I was in the middle of a sort out but they said I had met the standards that they were looking for and not to worry. I did however scrub the house in the time I had before the next meeting as I was worried that they would think I wasn't coping

They didn't check any of the dc for bruises or anything, I was worried they would as ds3 was newly walking and had the odd bruise from falling over etc, they were happy to see him playing and interacting with me.

I was terrified of social services, especially having read horror stories about them. I thought they would take my toddler. But, they were very nice. I did try to tell them everything they wanted to hear though (mainly what steps I had taken to safe guard the dc from future problems - I don't know what the next steps would've been if I had made excuses for my ex and told them we were trying again) but as I had made a decision to leave and shown them that I was serious they were happy I was doing the right things.

I think the referral to them was automatic (but that may just be in my area) I also got a letter from the health visitor saying she wanted to come round and introduce herself which I assume was connected. Made an appointment, she turned up, ds3 did the smelliest poo ever and she left she was here less than 5 minutes. It also flagged up on the screen the next time I visited the GP. Which was embarrassing.

I know technically this is not allowed but I would call a locksmith and have the locks changed, have a friend pack his bag and deliver to police station and then email every family member and mutual friend that DH was arrested last night for punching me. 'As you can imagine this is a difficult time and I have asked him to leave. I'm sorry it has come to this...' just to make it final. I'd want EVERYONE to know about what a twat he is. Including his parents.

Then invite a friend or friends to stay for a week or two.

Call women's aid.

Call a solicitor.

I'm sorry you are going through this

Women's Aid should try and call you back ASAP, when my friend called them they called back within 20 minutes.

Just to back up what Dino says about SS, the referral is automatic, they just want to check up that you're aware how serious your partner's behaviour is and the effects it can have on your DC and that you are taking steps to keep her safe. They are NOT there to judge your parenting, the only reason they check round the flat is to make sure there are no markers for serious neglect which can unfortunately sometimes be tied in with DV as some people sadly have very chaotic lives and/or little priority for anyone other than themselves, which DV can be another factor in. From what you've said here I don't think in a million years you fit into this category, you've been proactive in calling the police yourself (and well done on this, BTW, it's a huge step) Also, they are trained to see the difference between normal active toddler bruises (most of them are covered, TBH!) and ones which are caused by physical violence or roughness from adults. Fingers for example leave a very distinctive bruise :(

Messiness probably won't be a problem but it would be a good idea to try and clear any washing up and anything that's on the floor (aside from toys etc that she's playing with!) push a quick hoover/broom round etc, and make sure that any full rubbish bags are in your wheelie bin or wherever you store them (out of DD's reach) before they go out. I'm guessing that they probably won't do routine appointments like this on a Sunday, just emergencies. Your DD sounds very bright and aware of what's going on around her too which they should pick up on as a good thing (it means you've been interacting with her and not just ignoring her).

If you are worried about his reaction when he gets let out, don't give up on contacting the police or Women's Aid to find out what your options are for protection. If the DV office isn't open until Monday you can look up the number of your local station to speak to an officer or call 101, either of these numbers are non-emergency so you won't be blocking any emergency line. They should be able to tell you what's happening and when they plan to release him too. If he's angry then of course you need to be safe. I think it's still a possibility that he will turn around and do the promises/sorry thing, so just be aware that that might happen and don't fall for it :) It's quite common because the initial anger at being reported and arrested dies down and they realise that the police are going to have quite a close eye on them so there would be far worse consequences for him than for you if he was to retaliate straight away. So instead abusers concentrate on how they can get back in there and continue their life as they left off. In some cases the remorse, shame etc is genuine and the wish to change is genuine, but it doesn't usually last long because the underlying beliefs they have about women or about their supreme right to be in control or whatever is still there and they feel justified in using whatever means they "have to" to ascertain those rights.

So sorry to read all this.

Is your friend staying with you all day?

Meant to say, that if you do need to call 999 at any point (although hopefully not) then there will probably be a flag on your address and a quick response sent even if the call gets cut off.

Dino I think there already is as the police have come to this address before (but I didn't call him). They got here in a couple of minutes max.

He has been let out apparently. I have heard anything from him which is good.

Keep your doors and windows locked and stay safe. Try womens aid again and leave a message if you havent already done so. They will call you back.

How are you doing? I remember jumping everytime someone walked past the house or I thought I heard a noise. It's very unsettling waiting to see what the reaction will be. Do you have any support?

Luckily my flat is very secure. Fort Knox style secure. I am awaiting a call back from woman's aid.

Feeling okayish. Kinda numb right now. My dd has been asking for daddy all day which doesn't help: I feel bad for her as she doesn't understand why he isn't here.

I'm sure Woman's Aid are normally very good but I didn't get a call back from them. Maybe call them again incase your first message got lost, or you can email them I think.

Not long until bedtime so hopefully you will be able to have some down time when your dc is asleep and relax with a cup of tea or something. It's hard when they ask where their dad is, luckily my ds3 was to young to understand at the time but now he does miss his dad and calls for him sometimes. I say dadda is at work, which I know I can't do forever. (He does see his dad though)

Have you managed to eat anything? You have been really brave. It's easy to say report him etc but very hard to do.

Has he been released unconditionally or is he bailed? The police should be able to tell you if he has any limits put on him regarding contacting you etc might put your mind at ease a little.

It's felt weird having the house all empty (of course dd is here but is a pretty good sleeper). Woman's aid got back to me and gave some good advice and contacts for other resources. It was good just to talk to someone and realize that this isn't normal, and also that his behaviour is emotionally as well as physically abusive. He kept on telling me how I wouldn't be believed if I called the police.

Dino I have ate: I ate with dd. The great thing about toddlers is that they don't let you skip a meal! She is still asking for daddy lots but seems pretty happy. I asked woman's aid for contact details for resources that might be able to help her - its not right that she is saying calm down to her father at her age.

He has been released unconditionally - cps decided not to prosecute, which is hardly surprising since I refused to give a statement. I still feel pretty conflicted about what has happened.

It's not too late to give a statement, love