First post.
Being lurking here for past three months.
Male - widower - older than most of you.
My wife died three year ago, after too short an illness.
Nobody since - apart from the story I'm about to relate.
I need a female perspective and advice on my situation.
This is not strictly an OD issue - but it is OD-related.
After my wife dying, I wandered about in a dark fog for about two and a half years, with what felt to be a heavy wet grey "concrete block" lodged deep in my chest.
Then in mid-Summer, on a golf trip with mates, I got a (totally flukey) hole-in-one. My friends made a big deal over it - but, what they didn't know was that my wife and I had a long-running joke about a hole-in-one. Right there on the green, I started to weep and could not stop. It was purely physical and I got light-headed and wobbly on my feet, to the extent that my friends thought I was having a stroke. When I had recovered, I got pee-eyed back in the clubhouse. The following morning, my "concrete block" was gone. Kaput. Vanished.
From that day, while still missing my wife every day, my old SOH returned, and I started to enjoy people, rather than pretending to do so.
In late Summer, I took off for a holiday in Italy with my sister-in-law and her husband.
On Day 2, I went on a day long trip to a number of tourist sites on my own. I was the last pick-up on the coach and just took the first available seat, next to a lady, at whom I barely glanced.
A few desultory remarks led to a conversation, which broadened into an "easy" exchange of views - so relaxed and "easy" that two hours later, neither of us noticed that we had pulled into our first stop of the day.
She had lost her husband four years earlier after a long illness. She was travelling with her Daughter, Niece and Pal. When we disembarked, she introduced me to these young ladies, who were all somewhere in their late twenties. Widow was about 7-8 years younger than me. We all seemed to click immediately with much easy repartee. It seemed the most natural thing for me to link up with them, which is what I did.
At a certain stage, Widow and I opted out of a section of the tour and sat in the shade comparing notes about our bereavements. I told her about my "concrete block" and she told me about her problems adjusting to life after being a long time carer. There were some tears and a big long hug, which seemed the most natural thing.
For the rest, it was a day of laughter and fun and great conversation.
Niece and Pal lived on the West Coast (U.S.) and Daughter was living over there on a two year contract. Widow lived on her own in the family home back in UK. She told me that Niece had lost her father and mother in a two year period and she nursed both of them. She had her heart set on working in a particular sector but, because of not meeting some criteria, could not even get to interview stage. Knowing some senior people in that sector, I offered to make some calls - but asked her not to tell Niece, to avoid further disappointment if I could not deliver.
At some point, she asked if I had ever tried OD. She related some of her experiences. Quite frankly, I thought she had to be exaggerating wildly. I had not seen this thread at that stage. I simply could not believe that such an attractive and accomplished lady could be messed about so much. She said something to the effect that nobody is as they appear to be. There was a strong sense that she felt her husband had been a one off.
Just before we came to the last pit stop before I would be getting off the coach, I asked her for her number. They were staying in a villa about an hour along the coast from me and I suggested that I would take them all to Dinner the following evening. She demurred and said something about not giving her number any more. She pecked me on the cheek and said "Lets not spoil things" and wished me "a lovely life" and said I was a "most charming man".
When I pressed her a little, she said that if I was genuine, I would find her. I asked if she would be pleased, she said "I would certainly be impressed".
When I got back on the coach, Widow had ensconced herself in a seat in the middle of a group. I took myself off to the back of the coach. Daughter came back to join me and said "What happened to you guys?". I had to be discreet and acted casually. But I did tell her how I had promised to make some calls for Niece and gave her my number and told her to call me the following day to check on any progress.
That evening I made my calls, and one came through straightaway with an offer to interview Niece two weeks out.
I remembered Widow saying that they had not yet "hit the shops" in the resort town near them. So the following morning, I took off for their town with a view to mooching around the "ladies' shops" in the expectation of running into them.
Wandering about the town, my phone rang. It was Widow. Daughter had berated her for the manner in which we parted the previous evening and had given her my number. Told her where I was and gave her the news of Niece's interview. Suggested she join me for lunch and she agreed with alacrity. Once again, we had a great time.
Over the next three days, I spent practically all my time with them. Even though we move around as a group, there was a tacit understanding that Widow and I would opt out every now and then and spend time together.
Having abandoned my sister-in-law and hubby, I suggested to Widow and the others that I would get out of their hair for a few days. I went off on a two day trip with my sister-in-law and hubby and when i got back, I got a text from Daughter sayingf that they had had a change of plan. Her "uncle", an old friend of her Dad's had invited them on his boat and they were going to sail to Rome and on to Elba. They were very sorry to miss out on my company for the rest of the holiday and hoped that we would meet again.
It was only then that I realised that when Widow had called me a few days earlier, she had used Daughter's phone. So instead of having her number on my phone, I was back to square one. I did not know whether to be sad, aggrieved or devastated.
#SEQUEL:
Since I came back, Niece has emailed my many times updating me on her progress. As it happened, I had managed to get her three interviews and she had got two offers from those. But, in fact, she had taken up another opportunity that presented itself. But she was very grateful and is a smashing young lady. In her last email, she requested my postal address on behalf of Pal, who had found something that "I would love".
Daughter has emailed four times with bright newsy updates and follow-ups to conversations we had on the holidays. She is also contemplating a career change and is bouncing stuff off me. This correspondence has all the signs of being a ongoing thing - we get on great.
From Widow - not a word. She could get my number or email from Daughter. She must know about our correspondence. They are very close. Of course, I could track her down in five minutes, but that would be intrusive and invasive.
So I now have ongoing contact with the three supporting acts - but zero from the principal lady.
I know there is no fool like an old fool. But I am around too long not to recognise when there is closeness.
At one stage, Daughter had said " I have not heard Mom laugh like that since I was about fifteen". There has to be value in that - it must be an indication of something.
Maybe the wise ladies of this thread will be able to shed some light.