Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

izzyizin

What are you proposing, Dad? A preservation society on the lines of 'Save The Saddos'?

But who defines what is sad?

Hi AgathaF - am I correct in assuming then that from your point (I may have made a big leap or two - but thats why I am checking) that any man who goes and sees a female strip show hates women and that any woman who goes to a male strip show hates men ?

I husband went to a lap dancing club last month whilst on a stag do and had a lap dance.

that doesnt make a sexist pig

It doesnt mean he hates women.

Some of the comments on this thread sum up everything I hate about Mumsnet.

OP you need to decide HOW YOU FEEL. What YOU want to do about it. Not us. Only you can decide.

if you want to talk to your husband about it. Sit him down calmly and tell him you want to talk about his. Not loudly and by stomping about. Calmly, tell him why you are upset and resolve it between you.

He needs to see why you are upset and given the chance to apologise.

You shouldnt sit in silence if you are upset and feeling you need to says more about your relationship than the fact he got the lap dance.

if you cant sit down and talk about this without him laughing / brushing it off / dismissing your feelings then you have bigger fish to fry than some seedy lap dancer.

My husband came home, told me about it, we moved on. He know it doesnt bother me. It was a one off in ten years of marriage whilst on a stag do. No he didnt want to, didnt enjoy etc. But it was part of what those guys did and he told me about it.

Talking about these things is the important bit.

You're equating disgust at men who pay for sexual services to racism? Really?

Mummybarrow, do you not agree that paying for a woman to strip or lap dance for you is a sexist thing to do?

FivesandNorks - who are you asking ? Sorry too fast moving for me.

Fortyshades not necessarily, no. My response was in reply to this from DadDancer who was saying that this sort of activity is normal for men - "It's pure fantasy and a bit of light entertainment, it's really not the big deal that people on here are making it out to be. Striptease has always been an integral part of the stag do and to some extents the hen do, well before the advent of lap dancing clubs, so you were right not to come down hard on your OH as he really wasn't doing anything that was out of the ordinary."

Having said that, I do think that men who frequent lapdancing clubs are displaying a lack of respect towards women. I also wouldn't want to see a male stripper, much less have one grinding his bits around in front of me, and I am certainly no man hater.

Surely even fans of strip clubs accept they are all about the objectification of women DadDancer?

Or are you oggling their personalities, education and life experiences?

what's a "seedy" lapdancer ?

is that in comparison with a "clean and tidy" lapdancer ?

or is that in comparison with the men that pay women that would never normally give the shit off their shoe to take their clothes off for them ?

in my mind, there is no question where the "seedy" part of this transaction lies

The 'saddos' are those who buy into the fantasy that a gorgeous nubile young woman is sexually interested in them, Dad. You wouldn't be that stupid, would you?

How could any woman have even an ounce of respect for a man who "didn't want" a lap dance, yet had one anyway, presumably to save face in front of a group of immature morons?

So spineless, it's sickening.

I think some men do this ridiculous wanting to look well 'ard in front of the lads thing.

As a woman I find it confusing- who is the real man? The gorgeous gentleman you get at home or this laddish pig you wouldn't touch with a bargepole ?

Which one is the act?

I think thats why finding out about these things is so destroying as your not quite sure who that person truly is anymore. It truly shakes your trust to the core.

Striptease has always been an integral part of the stag do and to some extents the hen do

Really? My DH didn't have any and neither did I. In fact most of my DH's friends go for things like paintballing, go karting, hiking or just a few beers and a curry.

As long as there are women of their own free will taking their clothes off for money / the pleasure of men, there'll be men willing to pay for it

Depends on how you define "free will" - the sex industry which includes LDCs is full of women from vulnerable backgrounds and if not trafficked or forced into it then are pretty likely to have been groomed/conditioned

Genuine question though- how would a woman working in a high street licensed strip club exactly be forced into it?

Im not talking illegal brothels etc but ones very much in the eye of the public?

Oh well if its a male tradition. Not sure whether te women involved think of it so fondly.

But what do they matter, versus a real human being who is getting married the poor dear

Do some googling - actual statistics are hard to find because so much depends on the willingness of participants to take part, not easy when you know they are at risk.

There are several articles out there though including this one:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jul/20/lap-dancing-club-behind-scenes

Also do some reading about the links between gangs and young vulnerable underage girls - they often end up in the sex industry.

Does it really matter exactly how many are trafficked/forced into it? Knowing that there are women being made to do these things against their free will should be enough to prevent you from supporting the industry or perhaps you do not care?

It's interesting that all these guys caught red handed "didn't enjoy it".....
If ALL the guys don't enjoy it I'm surprised these places are still open what with all those guys being forced to hand over their hard earned family money to see some weird vaginas.

At the same time surely at least some of the women must enjoy it to keep them staffed!

Im not convinced I should feel sorry for all these strippers, some of them are just as bad keeping the industry alive.

Even if you overlook the nasty side of these clubs or it was a freely chosen utopia full of bright eyed undergrads who simply like to show off their bodies for cash - the vast majority of women do not want the man they are going to marry / man they are married to, paying a woman to strip and dance for him, it's the utter lack of respect that's the bottom line - it's completely bizzare that an event celebrating your upcoming marriage would involve you and your friends watching semi or fully naked women dance provocatively.

I'm sure that most of the men who do this think of it as "live porn" for want of a better word, so why on earth would they want to be sexually aroused in the company of their friends?
What kind of man doesn't feel deeply uncomfortable handing over a £20 note so a young woman will expose herself and pretend to be interested in him?
If I was paying a man to rub himself all over me, I would feel like a sad, scummy pervert and I know that's how my husband views it too.