Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

[runningforthebusinheels]

Where did I focus on bad spelling GetAll? I haven't mentioned it once.

GetAll you lose all credibility by:

1. admitting you're a banned user and gloating about it.
   

1. Ignoring valid points and just having a personal dig at individual posters here.
   

1. Continually accusing people of saying things they haven't said - see above, plus all that nonsense you wrote to Sabrina.
   

I have no idea if you have a daughter or not - I actually hope you haven't - you are clearly someone who's come on MN to deliberately cause a stir, and gloat about it. You don't come across as a very nice person from your postings here, and you don't have a very good attitude towards women. You've done something to breach the MN guidelines, or they wouldn't have banned you.

I don't see why, in view of the above, anyone should give anything you post any credibility whatsoever

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

GetAll.

I've said a number of times that you cannot have a grown up discussion with someone who continually misrepresents what people have said on this thread.

For example: "And Sabrinas assertions that it's pretty much inevitable you're going to end up hating men without any evidence is alarmist IMO."

I have said repeatedly that 30% of women report losing their faith in all men - and that is referenced by the Leeds report - I have not said "pretty much inevitable" - you just made that up.

However, I do think a 1 in 3 chance of losing faith in men from your job is something to be alarmed about.

[runningforthebusinheels]

GetAll - "I really have to go"

Don't let us keep you

[runningforthebusinheels]

Ooh - I notice you avoided my question, saying you had to go (and we'll miss you mwah)

And yet you've hung around for ages making loads of other points?

How strange

Here it is again:

GetAll. I still don't see how you equate it with the experience of a prostitute naked having sex with someone.

Well, the lap dancer will be naked, or near as. Secondly, she is performing a sexual service for money, just as a prostitute is.

Can I ask - are you against prostitution in principle then? Presumably you must be, as you are ok with your daughter becoming a lap dancer, but not a prostitute?

[DadDancer]

running
^2. Ignoring valid points and just having a personal dig at individual posters here.

1. Continually accusing people of saying things they haven't said - see above, plus all that nonsense you wrote to Sabrina.^
   

it's funny you now accuse him of these things, as this is what i have been saying all along about you lot in those 2 points and is what you do all the time. Look back at your last post about me, that's point 2 to a tee. Your having a laugh.

Such double standards on Mumsnet, obviously AF is untouchable to the HQ. They probably like the way she stirs things up, so turn a blind eye when she misbehaves herself, which seems to be all the time.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

DadDancer, I am not untouchable wrt HQ. No one is. No one person is treated more favourably than another. If you break guidelines repeatedly, especially when you have been banned previously then you will get your posting rights revoked.

[runningforthebusinheels]

Daddancer - what valid point of yours did I miss?

Was it the jokes about giving a job to a girl because she was an ex-dancers?

Or maybe you mean the stripper smiley?

I'm sorry posters on MN don't appear to take your points seriously, or find your jokes funny - I expect you're used to women fawning over you? Because you're paying them to, right?

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Saddancer - "Such double standards on Mumsnet, obviously AF is untouchable to the HQ. They probably like the way she stirs things up, so turn a blind eye when she misbehaves herself, which seems to be all the time."

Into the realm of MN conspiracy theories now?

[GetAll]

Sabrina You said, and I quote directly so you don?t get confused.
?there are so many terrible negatives cited - negatives which are extremely likely to impact on her personal relationships with men, her family and friends. And are likely to continue to affect her self-worth into the future?

Having explained a number of times that ?extremely likely? suggests an extreme likelihood, or in other words it?s virtually inevitable. Or ?pretty much inevitable?. I?ve explained that already.
If I?d have quoted you I would have put ?pretty much inevitable? in quotes and said it was a direct quote. I?m doing something called ?paraphrasing?. And if you think paraphrasing someone is misrepresenting then I?m not going to move you on from your own misrepresentations of me.

So no I didn?t make it up, I just ?paraphrased? your expression ?extremely likely?.

Do you not understand that ?

And likewise, the fact I need to explain that cements the idea that you?re not an adult.

running

I?ve spent the best part of four days answering your questions and responding to your, at times, passive aggressive points. For the most part ( with one obvious exception ) remained polite and calm. In return you?ve been pretty unpleasant IMO. I guess that?s how people come across on the internet. I can only say I?m grateful I don?t know you in real life, and likewise I pity your kids.

[DadDancer]

AgathaHoHoHo

I just wonder, since you seem to find lots of posters here have extreme views that you don't agree with, and that some stuff is sinister

could you really not sense i was joking when i said this?, the two smileys should have been the give away or would you like me to write in brackets (this is a joke) or (this is sarcastic) next time to make it more obvious?

Certainly, when I have ventured onto other forums in the past and found them be frequented by people of a diferent mindset to my own, I have stopped going on them. Simply because I have found that they don't interest me.

or is that just 'wussing out'?

[runningforthebusinheels]

Haha - GetAll - you can't answer can you?

[AgathaHoHoHo]

"Wussing out"? DD. No, not at all. I just don't have the insatiable need to argue with people that you seem to possess.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Hey GetAll - why can't you answer running's question??

Here I'll c&p it here for you:

"GetAll: I still don't see how you equate it with the experience of a prostitute naked having sex with someone.

Well, the lap dancer will be naked, or near as. Secondly, she is performing a sexual service for money, just as a prostitute is.

Can I ask - are you against prostitution in principle then? Presumably you must be, as you are ok with your daughter becoming a lap dancer, but not a prostitute?"

[runningforthebusinheels]

Mumsnet must really get to you - GetAll - if you want to spend all your time inventing new e-mail addresses and rejoin a site you've been banned from! But I suppose it passes the time for you, doesn't it?

Or is it the reverse of the Marx Brothers quote- "GetAll wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have him as a member?"

[DadDancer]

There you go again You just can't help your self can you running ? you have just done your point 2 again. If you cared to have gone back through the thread you would have seen i'd made a number of valid points. If people didn't think they were valid then why did they respond back, they could have just ignored me instead

[Fairenuff]

but fairenuff if 74% of dancers report a very high overall job satisfaction of 7-10 I really can't see it's as awfully terrible as you're making out

OK. But even if it's only 25% that are being abused, mistreated, whatever, how do you know, when you pay for a dance, which one it is? You have no way of knowing. You just don't care.

The point is some young women do this work, short term, with no ill effects and manage to fund their higher education with it. There are clearly pros and cons. You and Sabrina etc seem to think it's wholesale misery

No we don't. I have said all along that some women are abused, trafficked, etc. You have agreed that some women are abused. We all agree on that. I don't think there is one person on this thread who has said otherwise. That's about the one thing we do all agree on!

But the massive point which you are either ignoring or missing, is that women with good self esteem don't do this. Women who have grown up with equality, who have been taught that they have a voice, a right, a choice, do not choose to work in the sex industry.

You cannot possibly know their backgrounds. Who was sexually assualted, who was neglected or belittled. Who was treated as a second class citizen just because they're female.

Would you honestly choose to strip naked for a man, bend over and pull your bum cheeks apart GetAll? Would you do that if a man wanted to pay to look at your arsehole? If it got you through uni, could you do it and not despise that man and yourself?

Or would you get a McJob and do pretty much anything else?

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

GetAll:
Sabrina You said, and I quote directly so you don?t get confused.
?there are so many terrible negatives cited - negatives which are extremely likely to impact on her personal relationships with men, her family and friends. And are likely to continue to affect her self-worth into the future?

I did say that - and I stand by it.

You then quoted me as saying "And Sabrinas assertions that it's pretty much inevitable you're going to end up hating men without any evidence is alarmist IMO."

Which is what I complained about as misrepresentation - because it is not the same thing as at all.

And I stand by it being not alarmist but alarming.

[runningforthebusinheels]

Daddancer - you only ever make 2 points on these threads - that you should be allowed to pay women for sexual services. Because, er... you want to. And why shouldn't you? You're a man after all!

Oh, and "sexual objectification doesn't exist - no it doesn't! It doesn't - Daddancer closes eyes- I can't see it - lalalala."

Neither of these points have been ignored.

Doesn't stop you coming onto these threads and just making the same flawed arguments over and over though- does it?

[runningforthebusinheels]

What valid point did I ignore from this post of yours Daddancer?

poster DadDancer Wed 12-Dec-12 01:36:42
"Penguins, Fruitshoots, sweetcorn, grapes, shopping lists - I name but a few - they all have a special meaning on Mumsnet.
They all sound a bit sinister to me ........not sure i'd want to know and whats that teddy bear smiley about?
Maybe Mumsnet should get a stripper smiley seeing as there are so many threads about them. I reckon something like this:
Smiley"

[Cosmostocupcakes]

I really wouldn't be upset - I would half expect it (he didn't have that sort of stag do. I, on the other hand was entertained by a lovely man in army uniform! To the amusement of everyone else!

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

I wish we could have a saddo smiley - just for GetAll and Daddancer.

will have to do.

[Kaluki]

GetAll, Dd, Kaluki......you all frequent lap dancing clubs
Errr where did I say I frequent them Mooncup? I don't disapprove of them, that doesn't mean I go to them!!
My only objection on this thread was to posters advising the OP to leave her DP for going to one ONCE!!!
Izzy - what other thread?? Still chasing posters from thread to thread trying to trip them up??
And yes I did say this thread was ridiculous on Sunday ... It's even more ridiculous now but it keeps showing up on threads I'm on so stupidly I opened it up to see you all on your high horses still.
And finally to whoever said I'm jealous of AFs adoring cronies - well I have people in RL to adore me- I don't have to get that from a bunch of faceless Internet users.

[SueFawley]

Oh here we go again. We always get a womancommenting about how 'it's all just a bit of fun', because they think that the good laugh they had with their mates about a male 'stripper' is not only ok, but the same level of 'harmless fun' happens at stag do's. If women knew what really went on at a lot of stag do's/strip clubs/lapdancing clubs they wouldn't think it was all fun then.

[DadDancer]

running

Daddancer - you only ever make 2 points on these threads - that you should be allowed to pay women for sexual services. Because, er... you want to. And why shouldn't you? You're a man after all!

my points on this thread were originally with regards the OP's situation and to do with the posters on here telling her to leave her other half. And striptease a sexual service? That's a bit far fetched. I think peoples imaginations are running wild with what goes on in these clubs.

Oh, and "sexual objectification doesn't exist - no it doesn't! It doesn't - Daddancer closes eyes- I can't see it - lalalala."

would have thought it was obvious to most people that objectification is a flawed and very subjective argument. I appreciate a lot the antis arguments rest on it and therefore can see why me ripping it to pieces annoys you. You may find this video interesting with regards to this :

www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=d-N9daqANcw

Doesn't stop you coming onto these threads and just making the same flawed arguments over and over though- does it?

what like the same flawed arguments of quoting fake stats like Lilith, using the emotive daughter argument, banging on about objectification, pretending to be genuinely concerned about the dancers, who you are really just using as pawns for the sake of winning your argument. I don't believe one bit that any of the antis on here actually care for any of the dancers. It's all a big charade, especially as your solution would be to have the clubs closed down and make them all redundant.

[DadDancer]

Sue

Oh here we go again. We always get a womancommenting about how 'it's all just a bit of fun', because they think that the good laugh they had with their mates about a male 'stripper' is not only ok, but the same level of 'harmless fun' happens at stag do's. If women knew what really went on at a lot of stag do's/strip clubs/lapdancing clubs they wouldn't think it was all fun then.

My OH confirms to me that what goes on at male stripper shows is far naughtier than lap dancing clubs (and she has experienced both) The bride to be at one hen do even gave one of the strippers a hand job i kid you not.