Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

I think its horrible too, but I do find it hard to empathise with the strippers. For those there by freewill (which must be a majority in licensed clubs very much in public view) why do the deserve any sympathy at all? If they didn't do the job the clubs would shut down.

You keep saying "public view", FB

These clubs are not in "public view" as it appears the men that use them never admit to it until they get caught, they only do it once and the women who think their partners don't use them are deluding themselves anyway (so we keep getting told)

So, since there is so much secrecy around them, how can we be sure whether every single woman is a happy stripper sticking two fingers up at the menz

Until you can buy sexual services in Asda with your weekly leg of lamb, there is no "public view"

There is something a bit dodgy about this shared sexual experience with your mates thang. It brings a whole new level to the term "bromance" don't it ?

There's a school of thought that men grouping together to partake of sexual experiences is not-so-latent posturing, display and preening for the benefit of other men. Puts a whole new spin on the "macho" idea of the last bit of "fun" before you marry the ole ball'n'chain...

Atcually there is a strip club night run in a nightclub in our town. Its in a huge building on the high street. Not underground. There are posters plastered around it. Anyone over 18 can walk in if the pay. Its all above board and legal. Sadly.

Not all men hide Going in. some cba! I'm not sure what is worse actually. At least hiding it shows a margin of respect for their dp feelings in a twisted way.

Some of my friends partners were talking loudly about how they were going to visit it. None of my friends said a word! I would be appalled if dh had joined in.

However we once went to that nightclub for a friends bday and out of nowhere these half naked dancers started slithering around the poles to "dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?".

They didnt look vulnerable they looked pretty smug with all the attention. Why on earth would anyone feel sorry for them?!

You do realise that they have to pretend to be enjoying it or they will get the sack, don't you ? Or is that too obvious a statement ?

How do you know? Where you there?

Because if you weren't how could possibly pass a fair analysis? Well you werent so I guess you will have to rely on what I saw with my eyes.

If they hated it so much then they could just get a normal job.

The point is, they willingly choose to be part of that industry so my sympathy is ZERO

I thought the Leeds report had been discredited in many quarters - its findings have also disappeared.
Surely, it would be wise to do a report with ex-lap dancers those who don't have a vested interest in the status quo.

" If they hated it so much then they could just get a normal job."
Oh come on!

FB - miserable lapdancers do not earn money so they have to look happy.

Statistics from those who have exited the industry are much more reliable I would have thought.

Also those who were not forced into it, are likely to have been conditioned - as a result of their vulnerable backgrounds or are feeding their drug habits (actually I am not sure which came first, the drugs or joining the industry as it seems there is a strong link between the two).

and you know, FB, there might be some strippers who get a punch in the face from their boyfriend and/or drugdealer if they don't plaster a smile on and look like they are enjoying it

they don't need any thoughts for them though, because they are smug at the wonderful situation they find themselves in, yeah ?

Whats your point Norks?

If you read the Guardian article I have linked, its pretty obvious that many do not feel they are able to find alternative ways of supporting themselves and it seems they really are struggling to earn enough and because of this, they are more likely to offer "extras"

Get - yep, from those supporting the industry and those who believe in the happy hooker myth. Sad isn't it?

Wow, you just love to twist peoples words Anyfucker.

I am clearly taking about women who willingly go into it.

That you have a very naive and simplistic view of the world.

FB - how do you know they willingly went into the industry?

I wonder if you really would think its acceptable for you, your daughter, sister etc to do this kind of work? What would make them think its their best option?

Mad why are even asking that question?I would be devastated if my dds did it. Im very against the industry FULL STOP.

But NOT all women are. Some are going into eyes wide open. Im talking about hookers Im talking about women prepared to dance around naked in above ground strip club or half naked in a "normal" nightclub. They are helping keep these places open.

They are part of the problem. If they are willingly do it please tell me why I should feel sorry for them?

I can't find anything on the Leeds report: even the report itself has disappeared (?) only commentary such as this:

www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/amy-jenkins-lap-dancing-degrades-women-irrespective-of-their-education-2064054.html

When I was young, I worked in a foreign country where we British girls 'chatted' to men. The East European girls danced for and slept with them. They were saving up money to go back home. Were they happy? They were happy to take the money, yes. Were they miserable? Yes. Did they like men? They loathed them.

Anyway, I don't think the big question is how happy are lapdancers - the question for me, is what effect does the normalisation of these places have on wider society.