Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

To be fair to those offering advice how to get last this, this is what I had originally requested, I never wanted to leave my husband. Yes he's been a prick and I hate him for what he has done to cause me so much upset, but for 11 years he's been my best friend and were so good together outside of this. We've just had our beautiful son and he has been an amazing father and I wouldn't want to ruin what we have for him ( our son) for one thoughtless (but yes very hurtful) mistake.

I'm so hurt by what he has done though, and when I think of her being naked it does make me feel like he has in some ways cheated on me despite his reassurances nothing happened its pretty darn close if he's had another woman's vagina seductively thrust around him! I honestly feel physically sick when I think about it, and for that reason I think it may be worth suggesting some marriage counselling to help us talk through our issues around this, in order that we can move on rather than me think about leaving him, surely to save what is our small little family is worth trying? I want him to accept his responsibility, change his ways re the text msgs and then for me to forgive and forget. Yes I can hear you all shouting now he should of never done these things in the first place, but I accept these are mistakes and I hope we can work on them together and move on for this, I think it would hurt me more to try and stop loving him and break our family up (again I can hear the 'its his fault' / your dilusionsl stance!).

How each person deals with such an issue will always relate individually to the reality of the relationship, should I really write off all that I know is good about my husband for him losing control on one night (his stag do where it could be believed he could be a bit 'naughty' shall I say, just like girls on a hen do can be- doesn't make them sexist towards men if they go on a 'kiss a guy for this, get a guys boxers for this type game'). Yes I've had an insight into a different side to him, but thankfully I know this isn't a regular thing, hes not out every weekend getting a lapdance to satisfy his needs, as I say we do have a good sexual relationship, so in this way I do see it as a one off (no matter how hurtful). He married me after all, wanted children with me, continues to do silly little romantic things for me, kisses me goodnight and tells me he loves me every day, and at the end of the day I want to grow old with him. However much he enjoyed the lapdance he was teased by something he knew he could never have, if I was to give him a lapdance, he'd basically be able to enjoy the show and eat the pudding afterwards (no punn intended!), not suggesting I would but surely I'm offering him so much more that why would he ever be tempted to go back, which he hasn't! He said himself the only reason men go is out of curiosity as to what goes on in strip clubs, now he's experienced he never has reason to go back.

I am in no way trying to make excuses for him, he's been a prick, but honestly I never wanted to leave him, just advice how to get past it of which I have had many so thank you.

OP the last thing you want to do is follow some of the heavy handed advice of the posters on here who have very extreme views on this matter, some of who are members of organisations such as Object.
A lap dance is just a live version of softcore erotica, It's pure fantasy and a bit of light entertainment, it's really not the big deal that people on here are making it out to be. Striptease has always been an integral part of the stag do and to some extents the hen do, well before the advent of lap dancing clubs, so you were right not to come down hard on your OH as he really wasn't doing anything that was out of the ordinary.

Just for the record, OP - DadDancer has completely hypocritical views of lap dancing, which would be highly amusing if they weren't just cringeworthily embarrassing for him, instead...

Lap dancing is fine and dandy when it's for his entertainment - he doesn't care how happy or unhappy the women might be. The idea of a member of his own family doing it - well, that's another matter entirely.

I'm just saying this so that you don't take his completely blasé post, which totally ignores your feelings and discomfort over the matter, too much to heart.

Well said OP.

The style of some people's posts on here borders on bullying, IME. However some advice/criticism is very insightful and supportive, and I hope you found what you needed.

DadDancer - "he really wasn't doing anything that was out of the ordinary".

Lots of things have been considered 'ordinary' at some point, but with education/intelligence/humility/whatever and etc, we now understand them to not be so - racism, locking away people with mental health issues, women not being allowed to vote, not picking up your dog's shit in the street ..............

Beggars fucking belief!

"A lap dance is just a live version of softcore erotica, It's pure fantasy and a bit of light entertainment"

It's not pure fantasy.

Pure fantasy doesn't require an actual human being to rub their vaginal secretions all over your trousers.

when I think of her being naked it does make me feel like he has in some ways cheated on me despite his reassurances nothing happened

It depends what you call 'nothing'.

As someone upthread said, how would you feel if a female colleague danced naked for him and no money exchanged hands? Would you still think he hadn't cheated?

Also, he told you men only go out of curiosity? You sure do buy some lines don't you. If that were the case these clubs would have gone out of business years ago.

Please do not try to 'compete' with lapdancers for his attention. That's not what this is about. People who have lapdances do not see those women as real humans - someone's mother, sister, daughter, wife. They see them as bodies for sale at a very affordable price for their own sexual pleasure.

He won't think of you as anything like them because you are real, you are his wife, you are a proper woman.

Trying to change a mindset like that is difficult and there are no guarantees that he will be able to do it. He will try to say the right things just to stop you going on about it so be wary of this in your counselling.

Remember, it's up to you to decide where your boundaries lie not him, or us or anyone else. If it makes you feel awful, it probably is awful.

BTW A lap dance is just a live version of softcore erotica, It's pure fantasy

This is a classic example of how men like your dh and his friends do not see those women as real, as I was just saying above.

OP your most recent post shows clearly that you are in a relationship that is in good shape. other posters think that any man who sees a lap dance is a cunt. I profoundly disagree. The complexities of your relationship extend well beyond the politics of the sex industry. if you can tell your husband how the lap dance truly made you feel, then it is a chance for you both to deepen your understanding of each other and to find a shared way forward.

" Wheresmypopcorn

Hi there, I have been to a few strip bars and the girls there are far from perfect - in fact was quite pleased to see a variety of bodies on display."
Oh well that's ok then.

Have NCd for this. I was in exactly the same position as you OP. When I was pregnant with our first child, my DH went out with an old 'friend' of ours who had recently separated from his wife. It was their first night out without partners and they decided to go to the local lapdancing club. I found out, and was absolutely furious about it. DH claimed they had only gone their for late night drinks as the pubs were shut. It took a while for things to get back to normal but, at the time, I stupidly believed him.

Nearly 10 years on, we were watching a programme about lapdancing, and I asked him about that night. He said our friend had two lapdances but he 'couldn't remember' if he had one. When questioned about his amazing memory that could remember the details of his friends visit but not his own, he admitted to having a lapdance, claiming that she just danced around a bit.

I can't tell you how much damage this has caused to our relationship. Maybe I should have got over it and let it go, but all I can think about is that when I was carrying his child, he took the earliest opportunity he could to have a girl strip and gyrate in front of him. We nearly split up because of it - 10 years on. I am still so angry and resentful about it, despite us going to marriage counselling (counsellor was useless, all but saying 'boys will be boys').

I'm telling you all this for two reasons. First, so that you can see that your husband is probably lying about what happened at the club. He won't tell you because he knows you will be, quite rightly, furious about his less than husbandly behaviour. Second, if you don't get to the bottom of it, and really spell out your feelings about it, it will fester and come back to haunt you.

DadDancer has a very extreme view on the matter if he thinks a stripping woman is "pure fantasy" and not actually a real person.

"Anyway, I'm sure you are all lovely in real life but my experience of many of you on here has been vile. No one on MN deserves to be called names or laughed/sneered at when posting on here. Some of the taunts have been quite cruel."
Well said Maxi
some of you are bullying the OP and instead of helping her you are trying to put ideas in her head which will make things worse. Anyone who doesn't agree with you is called a handmaiden (whatever that means) and insulted.
You are trying your hardest to cause more trouble in an already difficult situation. This is a family with a young baby and you are advising the OP to ditch an 11 year relationship over one mistake that happened 3 years ago! Shame on you!,

How on earth is telling someone its "just fantasy" reassuring?!

"Oh don't worry he was just fantasying about being with a woman thats not you, but as he cant actually have her it will just have to remain fantasy. Poor him".

Oh yes, Im sure that makes op feel much better. Yippie.

Thanks kaluki, must admit things feel like they're spiralling out of control

It sounds as I'd you're staying with him.
Tell his sleezy friend to fuck off at least

The only thing that's 'spirallaling' on this thread is you turning like a corkscrew, Hitchy.

What's apparent is that your h and his best mate have been perving fixated for some considerable time on their experiences with lap dancers who, as you now realise, were stark bollock naked not dressed in Victorian bathing costumes when they performed private one-to-one dances in private booths for your h and his pals.

It occurs to me that those lap dancers must have been hot stuff to get 2 blokes obsessing over and extolling their gyrations virtues after 3 years and this leads me to suspect your h's stag night was not the first or the last time he and his best friend have paid to be in close proximity to women's genitalia.

As you've observed, your problem is not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things he hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about.

Some way back in your thread you were incllined to view this matter as a 'hormonal hiccup'. I suggest you get your h the necessaary hormone treatment to progress his development beyond adolescence otherwise you're likely to find he'll be able to navigate his way around the UK using lap dancing establishments as landmarks.

SomersetONeil

Still trying to twist that one around are we, as i said previously i was annoyed about the insulting manner in what was said, not the concept of a family member working in a LDC.
Also where did i say about not caring how happy or unhappy the women might be who work there?

AgathaF

Lots of things have been considered 'ordinary' at some point, but with education/intelligence/humility/whatever and etc, we now understand them to not be so - racism, locking away people with mental health issues, women not being allowed to vote, not picking up your dog's shit in the street ........ ........... being intolerant to people who enjoy lap dancing clubs..........

SleighbellsRingInYourLife

^It's not pure fantasy.

Pure fantasy doesn't require an actual human being to rub their vaginal secretions all over your trousers.^

Do you actually have personal experience of that? or was it something some bloke told you down the pub.

Poor effort at twisting it around DadDancer - just for you here.

Fairenuff and PretzelTime

Of course the girls are real persons, its the dance part which is the fantasy. It's just another form of play acting.

being intolerant to people who enjoy lap dancing clubs

What are you proposing, Dad? A preservation society on the lines of 'Save The Saddos'?

AgathaF oh no please not the objectification of women argument again. Which gets wheeled out every time this subject is raised. I have heard it all before and it's a totally flawed argument.

Next you will be sending me a link to the Lillith report..........

DadDancer out of intrest, why not that argument? Isn't it valid (in your opinion)? I don't think I will ever understand men like you, or want to.