Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

[mcmooncup]

Maxi - that was some counsellor you went to

Tackling your inability to face confrontation by, erm, avoiding confrontation and burying your feelings. Epic.

[SomersetONeil]

That's a lo-hot of effort you went to Maxi to fix something your DH did wrong and that upset you........

Maybe give us an idea of all the things he did to repent for his mistake - it might be useful for the OP to suggest some of them to her DH...

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Christ almighty, maxi's H must be strutting around like a dog with 2 dicks. I feel a bit sick.

[mcmooncup]

And I would wonder if it would stop him doing it again......after all Maxi is now so valuable and loveable that she can handle one more lapdance

[maxijazz]

I realise this is a subject which prompts strong opinions, but I don't believe sneering at some else's choices about how they deal with painful, very real, issues is very kind. Or constructive for the OP.

It wasn't my fault, it hasn't gone away, but I did have problems. I honestly don't understand your issue with my wanting to get some help. Nor do I care for that matter. You come across as angry and unhelpful.

[SomersetONeil]

If you give us some ideas of what your DH did to fix it, that would be really helpful for the OP, though.

[maxijazz]

Also you all seem to have overlooked a key phrase in my post. "my demons first" not that I have to justify myself to you hounds but once I had dealt with some stuff from my past I could then talk to my husband much more openly and honestly and make sure we were both aware of where the boundaries lie.

Also my husband doesn't have two dicks, just one massive one.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Nah, he is one massive one.

[mcmooncup]

The reason your post was sneered at a little is that you came on and advised the OP to take the blame for her husband's bad behaviour by saying it it "your demons" that need to be sorted out by valuing yourself more so you can take the odd lapdance.

Instead, it is possibly more reasonable to say that actually your boundaries and upset were right in the first place. You may need counselling to believe that, but the difference is that the lapdance was wrong according to your boundaries, and you shouldn't teach yourself to suck it up and come to the conclusion that it's only a lapdance

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

and yes, maxi, I do get a little tetchy when handmaidens come on here to try and make other women suck up horrible behaviour in their menfolk to make themselves feel better about doing it

[mcmooncup]

"Also my husband doesn't have two dicks, just one massive one."
This implies you think you have a great catch there.

Truthfully? I doubt it. He obviously took no responsibility for what he did to you. And let you suck up all the blame for being a bit ooooo insecure. That shows one massive cock. But not in the way you mean.

Let's hope that one day you will not be choking on AF's words.

[maxijazz]

Somerset: He was mortified that he'd upset me. He had no idea it would be such an issue, he was naieve enough to think that because 'that's what happens on stag do's' that it would somehow be ok. He admitted the girls didn't look that happy to be there and that made him uncomfortable. In terms of fixing it, understanding why I feel the way I do, not just saying he understands, but truly understanding and respecting my views has restored my faith.

I totally trust that he would not do it again. Because I'm worth it ;)

[Greensleeves]

This is what freaks me out about the surrendered wife/submissive Christian helpmeet culture. People like this (your counsellor maxi IMO and plenty of others) take a woman who is already - quite legitimately - depressed and unhappy, tell her it's her own fault she's miserable for being a shit wife and having the temerity to expect to be treated with a modicum of respect.

As an example, an older woman I used to be very close to became horrendously depressed after she had a crap birth with her 4th child. Her dh was a minister and was very busy with his flock and his career in the church and had no time for his wife and child who were isolated - he asked a colleague to pop round and talk to her instead. This guy came round a few times and basically bollocked her for being selfish and told her to buck her ideas up and concentrate on her role as wife and mother and not allow her personal problems to make their home an unpleasant place for her dh to come home to (implication being that he would have more time for her if she wasn't such a buzzkill).

It's sad that you're happy with that maxi, but you can't post on MN and expect others to watch while you peddle the same abusive shit to another vulnerable woman.

OP's H is a cunt.

[Charbon]

OP Hiding this thread is the equivalent of putting your head in the sand. I mentioned cognitive dissonance before. This is when despite what someone is saying and doing, another person 'sees' something very different. Normally what they want to believe, rather than the truth. So you know that the banter between him and his friend shows absolutely no guilt about the stag night or the photo-sharing and you know that he doesn't think his behaviour is a big deal and you know he's lied to you about all of this because you found out through your own detection work, but you think he's remorseful, sorry and will never do these things again.

I don't think he's even upset that you're feeling so bad about this. He sounds more upset that you keep going on about it and won't shut up. Lord knows what he's saying to his shit-stirring mate.

Tackling this by learning to live with this sort of behaviour and not mentioning it, never works. Because every time you notice some casual sexism or misogyny, you'll remember this. Every time you get the sense he's hiding something or has told a direct lie, you'll remember this.

[mcmooncup]

Maxi - if he had no idea it would upset, why did he lie by omission?

If he thought it was nothing, he would have come home and said "OMG we went to a lap dancing club, it was a bit weird.....etc"

Really you believe this?

[Charbon]

Yes this is another bit of dissonance. Men lie about their use of the sex industry for a very specific reason. Because they know that a partner will be angry or upset and they don't want the grief. Not one of them with-holds this information because it slipped their minds or they thought the information would be irrelevant. If the OP's husband had regretted doing this on his stag night, as soon as he heard from his wanker mate joking that he could revisit old haunts, he would have replied that he never wanted to go to one of those shitholes again.

But he didn't.

[maxijazz]

I take your point mcmooncup. It was half a story. I wasn't trying to tell the op to suck it up and forget it, just make sure she's in a place herself where she can deal with it properly. She said she was feeling insecure after the birth of her son and I was trying to provide some practical advice on how she could start going about dealing with her complex emotions and changing dynamics that occur after having a child. Once she's on top form she'll be better placed to work with her husband to improve their relationship. Perhaps not communicated very clearly. My bad.

It's not always as black and white as 'you're wrong and I'm right'

Anyway, I'm sure you are all lovely in real life but my experience of many of you on here has been vile. No one on MN deserves to be called names or laughed/sneered at when posting on here. Some of the taunts have been quite cruel.

[maxijazz]

He did lie by omission you're right, mostly through shame because he felt seedy. It is possible to get past an incident like that in a relationship. We have.

[SomersetONeil]

Maxi - that's great if that's the case, and he's truly repentant.

But you can't miss the irony of you twisting and turning, getting counselling, really making an effort to get passed this and put it behind you when it - rightly - upset you so much. And the extent of his efforts wasn't any more than 'truly understanding' your views....

I don't mean to make you feel bad. But when you basically post advising other women to essentially suck it up and figure out a way of getting over it, then you have to expect other people who find that sort of behaviour unfathomable, to respond. With shock, quite honestly...

Maybe you've never looked at it like this before. Maybe you've never really considered the lengths you went to over this, compared with the practically nil effort he went to. Maybe you've never thought that this particular way of handling it is absolutely not what other people, well, women, would do.

All I can say is, your DH is a very, very lucky man to have someone go to such great lengths for him over his misdemeanour...

[maxijazz]

Thanks for your honesty somerset. I appreciate it. Maybe I do bend over backwards too much. Maybe that's why I'm such an avid lurker on the 'people pleaser' threads...
You're right, he is very lucky to have me. He knows it and he tells me everyday :)

[Charbon]

Re. your 'because I'm worth it' comment Maxi - has he changed his views about stag night clubs just because his actions upset you and he values his relationship too much to do that, or has he changed his views because he doesn't approve of these places now either?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Those women in the lap dancing clubs... are they not worth it ?

Maxi...you need to be really careful about colluding with misogyny.

[maxijazz]

Oh for goodness sake I was making a JOKE AF no underlying judgement intended towards lap dancers. He thinks lap dancing clubs are dreadful and will put forward reasons for this if the subject ever comes up in conversation with anyone else. Ie the exploitation of women for the pleasure of men. He does not feel comfortable with that. He experienced it first hand where he could see the women were not enjoying themselves and he felt ashamed. I believe he truely understands why him going upset me.

[SomersetONeil]

To be fair AF, Maxi has a problem with the places and always has. Not overly fair to beat her with that particular stick.

[Wheresmypopcorn]

Hi there, I have been to a few strip bars and the girls there are far from perfect - in fact was quite pleased to see a variety of bodies on display.