Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

[Daddy73]

Think I'm losing this battle. He had 1 lapdance, 3yrs ago, on his own stag-do. I just don't see the benefit of getting worked up about it now. It's done, he apologised. Time to move on.

[BelaLugosisShed]

Isn't it strange that 1st time posters pop up on these threads with alarming regularity? And always to defend scummy men who visit strip clubs then lie to their wives about it.

[Kaluki]

AF - Nobody is trying to project them onto YOUR life.
Can't you just accept that others have a different opinion to you?
Every case is different and every marriage is different and in the OPs situation her DH seems to be a good man who did a stupid thing. That is miles away from a regular prostitute using sexist pervert that you are all making him out to be.
I find it shocking that you are all trying to persuade the OP to leave a marriage based on something that happened 3 years ago which he obviously regrets.

[Daddy73]

Ouch. Well the title did kind of stand out, but it was the way the husband in question was getting ripped apart and portrayed that led me to putting across my own view. I can only apologise for not agreeing with the vast majority of you. God forbid that someone may have a different opinion and then have cheek to express it. I also didn't realise that as a new poster I should have first commented on some less controversial subjects. I will now look at differeent types of nappies and thier pros and cons. Thank you for putting me in my place!!!!

[izzyizin]

I also thought it was bad form to chase people from thread to thread because you don't agreeo with their views as is troll hunting

Are you implying that I have 'chased' another contributor from thread to thread, Kaluki?

If so, I'd be obliged if you would ascertain the facts of the matter before making any further unfounded allegations against me.

[Kaluki]

Did I mention your name Izzy??? I was referring to this by Charbon:

"it seems this 'new' poster has been spouting all kinds of bile of the handmaiden/misogynist variety on the Relationships board tonight"

Which indicates that JudyPee has been followed from thread to thread and because she is a 'new' poster who doesn't agree with the majority she therefore must be a hairy arsed trucker.

[BelaLugosisShed]

Your name doesn't help your credibility daddy73, sock puppets aren't generally known for their originality.

[Fortyshadesofgreen]

OP - I think you have the right balance in some of the advice - good luck !

If I can be so rude as to ask what is wrong with 'Daddy73' as a name ?

Its okay its not my first post - I have posted on other threads

[BelaLugosisShed]

Assuming it's an almost 40 year old man, the name is just a bit off, a lot of sock puppets seem to have numbers in their names too, as does OP, or perhaps I'm just mildly paranoid and reading waaay too much into things.

[Fortyshadesofgreen]

Thanks Bela - what is off about it ? Sorry i am lost.

And forgive me but what is a sock puppet ?

[Daddy73]

I see where you get the 40yr old thing from but I was born long after 1973, the numbers refer to the ages of my kids. Sorry to disappoint you, but it's a novelty to disappoint someone other than my wife. :)

[Kaluki]

Bella you are sounding a bit paranoid.
Some normal posters have numbers in their names you know!
why on earth shouldn't a 40 year old man be alowed to have an opinion on this?

[Fairenuff]

Kaluki The paying for the lap dance was ONE mistake which he clearly regrets

Only because he got caught. He did it even though he knew his wife would be upset and kept it as a secret for 3 years for the same reason.

Because of this, she now does not know whether or not to believe him when he says it was a one off. All his responses have been cliches - it was a stag do, I was pressured into it, it was just boyish silliness, it was only once, nothing else happened, etc. Nothing original there. It does not look good really.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

You see, I don't believe he regrets it and I agree with fairenuff. Not seen anything in what he has said that isn't all simply wishful thinking by the OP

[Twattergy]

All men love looking at tits and bums it is a fact of life. Whether they are happy or unhappy in their relationships. Whether they have told their wife that they are or aren't in to it. They can't help it. And I have no problem with this whatsoever because to deny it would be self delusional. if you tell your partner that it upsets you and that you dont want them to do it, and they do it, then that is reason to be angry. Otherwise, its no reason to label them pervs, scum, etc, they are just men.

[Charbon]

All he has said is that this was 'boyish fun' and that he wouldn't have a private dance again. I didn't see anything in the OP's posts about him being sorry he'd done it, though. On the contrary, he was 'really surprised' that his wife was getting so upset about it.

So at a stretch he might be sorry for the upset and grief it's caused - and a bit incredulous that it has, but that's it.

Any interpretation that he is sorry and regards his behaviour as a regrettable mistake is nothing but a projection by others.

[Hitchy83]

Whoah what have I started! And god how confused am I now! After an earlier comment re the lapdancer actually being naked I had to look on the strip club website.....which you guessed it says it is a fully nude lap dancing club, f&@£!! Yeah so got upset again an spoke to my hubby who said he really couldn't remember, aagghhh he begged me to let it go, told him how hard it was for me....again...I do really wanna get past it all! Need to stop reading this thread now, think I'm getting over it then reading someone else's comments and it throws me again. Half tempted to show him this thread to show him what I've been going through!

[Twattergy]

Getting back to the OP's question of how to deal with this, how's about discussing with your husband how you now feel about your body post-baby. you will likely be reassured by what he says and realise that it is you and the baby that are the centre of his world, not a blurred memory from 3 years ago. Men can be complex enough to both have seen a lap dance and looked at porn and still be fully committed to life with their partner (contrary to the views of some on MN who shout 'divorce' as soon as another mentions finding porn on a partner's computer).

[mcmooncup]

The reality of knowing he had someone else's vagina in his face, that he paid for, somehow makes it very real.
I put that in before because we are lead to believe that it's all just "oooo a bit of a dance, funny, just a bit pissed" when the reality is, it is very different to that. I had the misfortune to go to a strip club with a group of men a few years ago. The reality is, no-one is laughing, no-one is pissed out of their face, indeed I was surprised at how serious all the men were, concentrating heavily on the bodies (and that is just what they are seen as - no human element to it at all) on display.

I am not saying this to hurt you OP in any way. I am saying it because the reality is a bit different to what we are lead to believe. Which is why he didn't tell you in the first place.

[Fairenuff]

If it was harmless fun, why didn't he tell you about it at the time OP?

And as to whether he can remember if she was naked or not, well . I could maybe believe that if he'd had so many lap dances that he couldn't differentiate one from another but if it was just the one he would not be likely to forget a massive detail such as whether a woman danced naked or not is he?

He is stringing you along. No wonder he wants you to stop talking about it.

[Darkesteyes]

Would it be ok if a female colleugue of his had stripped off at his office and thrust her vagina in his face?
Why is it seen as ok simply because money changes hands? Im not trying to upset anyone. Its just a question.

[Greensleeves]

the post by Twattergy Tue 04-Dec-12 20:08:47 = most depressing piece of writing since Sylvia Plath. Really, really sad.

OP's H is a cunt.

[maxijazz]

I could have written your post myself. I was very hurt when I found out my husband went to a lap dancing club a couple of nights before our wedding and lied about it by omission.
To your question about how to get over it, I decided I needed to tackle MY demons first. The insecurity which led to the snooping in the first place and the inability to face confrontation. I had counselling which taught me to believe in myself more and to have the confidence to confront situations that make me feel uncomfortable. In the end I learned to believe I am valuable and loveable so one lap dance became insignificant. Time is also a great healer, I'm 5 yrs on from you now.
Don't underestimate how having a baby will affect you emotionally either. Give yourself time to come to terms with it and if it still bothers you then you should raise it with him again.

You can't change the past but you can choose how to live with knowledge of it. Only you know where your boundaries are with your husband and whether this is something you feel you can live with.

Enjoy your new baby, focus your energies there. Your body has done a wonderful thing giving birth and the stretch marks are a sign of that miracle. Wear them as a badge of honour.

Hope you are able to resolve this, good luck.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

he let you remain under the illusion that said lapdancing lady was "in her lingerie" then ?

That's nice.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

That's the ticket, maxi

You fixed yourself so it didn't bother you any more. Your fault, your problem. Yep. Now it's allllllll gone away.