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Original poster

Husband had a lap dance....?!?

594 replies

Hitchy83 · 01/12/2012 01:55

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 12/12/2012 16:02

GetAll, Dd, Kaluki......you all frequent lap dancing clubs....
Why would you want somebody to take their clothes off for you when you know that they don't really fancy you, when you know it isn't what they really want to do?

I don't get how this makes you feel better. It must make you feel bad, surely? The fact you aren't quite attractive enough for a woman to do it for real. And for free??

It's just lose:lose.
What exactly do you get out of it? The feelings of power must be so superficial and fleeting, and indeed terribly damaging to your self esteem as men too?? And more likely also harmful to your attitude to women, as demonstrated on here also harming your relationships with women.
Don't. Get. It.

runningforthebusinheels · 12/12/2012 16:03

GetAll. I still don't see how you equate it with the experience of a prostitute naked having sex with someone.

Well, the lap dancer will be naked, or near as. Secondly, she is performing a sexual service for money, just as a prostitute is.

Can I ask - are you against prostitution in principle then? Presumably you must be, as you are ok with your daughter becoming a lap dancer, but not a prostitute?

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 16:05

I prefer whisky anyfucker

runningforthebusinheels · 12/12/2012 16:08

GetAll - "I'm feeling pretty good about how this thread has gone tbh"

You shouldn't. You've made yourself look like an arse.

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 16:08

I would answer you running but fucker apparently has gone off crying to MNHQ and had me booted off for her own reasons.

So given this account will expire soon also ( and I'll just create another ) until the next ground hog day !

runningforthebusinheels · 12/12/2012 16:10

HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Merry Christmas Wine

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 16:10

running. a few days ago you posted about where on earth had you been passive aggressive, and then you posted a passive aggressive comment directly after that.

That's the kind of thing that makes people look stupid. It doesn't really bother me if you think I'm an arse, it really doesn't. I honestly don't take you very seriously.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 16:11

Oh dear, GetAll

HQ don't "boot posters off" on my say so

You must have something in your MN past that has prompted that. Only they are privy to that information.

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 16:12

Merry Christmas :o

I've enjoyed the day.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 16:14

GetOff I think you are being a bit silly to be so explicit you will simply create another account because this one has just been banned.

izzyizin · 12/12/2012 16:15

Kaluki flounced left this thread on Sunday claiming that it had 'turned ridiculous' and she couldn't 'be bothered anymore' which begs the question of why they've returned. Is it simply to heap opprobrium on AF and anyone who appears to share her views?

FWIW, unlike lapdancers, very few prostitutes are completely naked during the act of servicing a punter.

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 16:21

Anyfucker, why ? I don't think it's valid that I've been shut down ( or not as the case may be ) , I think MN do make some poor decisions sometimes and as it's easy to create new accounts I'm able to make my own judgements given they've not explained the circumstance.

runningforthebusinheels · 12/12/2012 16:22

Not gone very well for you, after all, has it GetAll?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 16:25

Dead man walking

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 16:25

Anyway. I shall leave you to it.

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 16:27

What do you mean running I'm still here aren't I. I'll still be here tomorrow, and the day after that. I'll just have a different name.

Anyway , like I said I'm off for the day. I have enjoyed this thread very much :)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 16:27

GetAll if you had not insisted on being a twat and needlessly aggressive, repeatedly, you wouldn't have been reported and come to the attention of HQ.

runningforthebusinheels · 12/12/2012 16:29

Won't MN let you play, GetAll? Shame.

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 16:34

No running I just have things to do in RL, like do some shopping for my XP as she's ill. But I'm sure we'll meet again. Au revior !

runningforthebusinheels · 12/12/2012 16:35

GetAll - everyone can see you for what you are now - a banned user.

What's funny about users like you is that you think we don't recognise your posting style.

What wouldn't be funny is you really having a daughter.

izzyizin · 12/12/2012 16:41

So that'll be a quick trip to Ann Summers for you, GetAll?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2012 16:49

GetAll - interesting developments! Been banned eh?

If you consider a 'fun' day spending the day online arguing with a lot of people that clearly cannot stand your viewpoints - well then I'd hate to see you on a bad day.

Apart from Daddancer of course - I'm sure he likes you. He'd likely give your daughter a job if she does decide to become a lap dancer.

Fairenuff · 12/12/2012 16:50

some LDCs may actually be well run, with tight security and strict policies on touching and verbal abuse

A lot of the concern regarding LDC's is not just about the punters. The management themselves treat the women shockingly. They over-employ so that the women have to compete for dances to earn their money. The women are therefore forced to more extreme acts. They have to pay for the right to dance before they've even earned anything, have to have approved 'outfits' (what little there is of them) and pay for them out of their own money. On a slow night is is actually possible to end the evening owing the club money!

Because much of the abuse is 'behind the scenes' the willing punters can enjoy the facade in blissfull ignorance.

If you ask 'would you be happy for your dd to work in a well regulated / run club where any attempt at touching or verbal abuse results in a client being booted out ? ' The answer is yes

This is a really good example of that ignorance.

These women are not empowered. They don't even have the choice over their own body hair!

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 16:52

< returns to the frey.>

I do have a daughter running , do you think I don't ?

You see this is another reason I don't take you too seriously, all through this debate you've focused on things like bad spelling, and see it as some kind of triumph tp point it out, whilst avoiding the harder to answer questions.

izzy no Waitrose actually. But I'll just chalk your comment up the general atmosphere here.

GetAllTheThinks · 12/12/2012 17:04

I really do have to go, and I'm surprised this account is still going, but fairenuff if 74% of dancers report a very high overall job satisfaction of 7-10 I really can't see it's as awfully terrible as you're making out.

The point is some young women do this work, short term, with no ill effects and manage to fund their higher education with it. There are clearly pros and cons. You and Sabrina etc seem to think it's wholesale misery. I disagree.

I've said a number of times I think there is an element of misery and damage, I just don't buy or see any evidence that it is as widespread as you claim. And Sabrinas assertions that it's pretty much inevitable you're going to end up hating men without any evidence is alarmist IMO.