Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

I'm sure if any of you who don't know why it's her name were to actually ask her rather than highlighting your ignorance you might gain respect too.

I couldn't care less why she's called AnyFucker - I just think its ridiculous to call yourself that then complain when it's abbreviated!

Seems a bit attention seeking to me ... Wanting to be the most well known poster on Mumsnet - she needs to get over herself!!!

AgathaHoHoHo
DadDancer - why do you persist on here? You don't seem to like the majority of posters, you state you believe their opinions are extreme. What's in it for you? Have you nothing better to do? Are your regular haunts becoming boring?

Do you not realise how territorial you sound? Freedom of speech and open debate are obviously things you don't believe in? Oh and i'd say that a good 50% of the people on here, have not been toeing the party line of the regulars with their anti LDC/ anti porn/ dump the husband because of it stance.

Strange thing to say Kaluki. I don't think it's that anyone wants to be "the most well known poster on Mumsnet", just that some of us have been on this forum for years, AF included, so naturally we know stuff like that and also about the origins of the stuff that DadDancer finds sinister.

DD I don't think I sound in the least bit territorial, probably because I'm not. I just wonder, since you seem to find lots of posters here have "extreme" views that you don't agree with, and that some stuff is "sinister", why you would want to stick around? Reasonable enough question, I would have thought. Certainly, when I have ventured onto other forums in the past and found them be frequented by people of a diferent mindset to my own, I have stopped going on them. Simply because I have found that they don't interest me.

Freedom of speech and open debate. Hmm, those are things I believe in. I just disagree strongly with people who support the sex industry, and despise users of that industry.

Agatha, I for one would like to thank Dadprancer for his contributions to Mumsnet

I'm always grateful when begins his posts with "Evening Ladies" as he did on the page 3 thread, because then all us silly women can stop chattering away - as Daddancer has graced us with his presence and will tell us what's what. And because there are no other men on MN at all.

And let us not forget, there are some very extreme opinions on here which Dadprancer needs to counter - because it's really, really extreme to object to your husband going for a lap dance, isn't it?

I've been in here for years too under many different names.
But I don't harp on about it or think that my opinion is more relevant because of it!
A name like AnyFucker is bound to draw attention and make her stand out which is clearly the intention. It is also bound to be abbreviated like most names are on here!

GetAll: And if you can't see a range of glaringly obvious differences between a dance where touching is outlawed and a prostitute having sex I can't really take you very seriously, not that I did much before, even less so when you accuse me of being in denial about the sex industry.

You think touching doesn't go on these places? Bless your innocence.

Is it too early for a gin and tonic?

Yes, I think it's pretty common. It's certainly a known risk for women working there.

My my, GetAll, you spent simply hours typing that out didn't you.

So, number 1, you are being very antagonistic towards AF and there is no need for it. You're behaving like a child deliberately continuing to say something that they've politely been asked not to.

Secondly, you cannot expect to have a discussion with grown ups if you continue to build straw man arguments. The portion of your post addressed to me is a generalised anti-feminist rant and apportions arguments and topics to me that I haven't even mentioned here.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for you actually, because you're arguing like a person who has said something ridiculous in a argument to back up a point (in this case a liberalistic view on the sex industry- and being ok with your daughter working there) - and you've now been completely tripped over by it.

Poor you.

But why be so childish as to keep calling someone a name they've asked you not to? Smacks of a 5 year old's behaviour to me.

And if you acknowledge that I didn't make those arguments - why are you attributing them to me, posts addressed to me? It makes you look a bit dim.

Ooh GetAll, look here: tacked at the bottom of the Leeds report:

^Dancers were also asked an open question about
what they liked least about the job. Inappropriate
customer behaviour, including abusive language,
touching or soliciting sex, was consistently cited by
dancers as one of the more negative elements of the
job.^

Still absolutely sure no men would touch your daughter is she was a lap dancer?

No, GetAll -

It is not hysterical to be worried about 1 in 3 lap dancers 'losing all their faith in men.' Because that is damaging to their current and future relationships - and not just with potential boyfriends/husbands.

"Losing their faith in all men" -must mean Daddy/male relations too ?

Plus that's not the only cause of emotional damage to lap dancers - there are many other factors that can cause damage - they're all listed in the Leeds report and they're unlikely to be cancelled out in the long term by the perceived benefits of the job - fun/instant money etc.

Has anyone ever asked the teenage daughter of a man that uses sex industry establishments what she thinks about him?

You might get a very illuminating reply

Somebody mention gin ? I don't like gin.

And kaluki doesn't like me. Oh dear.

Grow up!
I dont even know you.
I don't like your name or your attitude but you seem to have a little band of followers who adore you so who cares!

Could it be you're jealous of AF's alleged little band of followers because you fail to inspire adoration in others, Kaluki?

I find your attitude incomprehensible and, in particular, your voite-face on another thead does not inspire confidence that, if for nothing else, your opinions can be valued for consistency.

GetAll. I still don't see how you equate it with the experience of a prostitute naked having sex with someone.

Well, the lap dancer will be naked, or near as. Secondly, she is performing a sexual service for money, just as a prostitute is.

Can I ask - are you against prostitution in principle then? Presumably you must be, as you are ok with your daughter becoming a lap dancer, but not a prostitute?

Why do you keep coming back to have a little poke at me, kaluki ? That's not very "grown up".