Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

GetAll - I want to know why you would not mind your daughter becoming a lap dancer when, despite the positives quoted in your favourite Leeds study, there are so many terrible negatives cited - negatives which are extremely likely to impact on her personal relationships with men, her family and friends. And are likely to continue t affect her self-worth into the future - long after she's 'funded her degree'.

Daddancer - you're jokes are so funny. Oh my sides...

AF, I just think that jumping on people when they are conflicted vs a sensible debate about the pros and cons for all the 'stakeholders' may be counter productive and skew the debate slightly (and not in your favour).

GetAll, there is no doubt that these clubs exploit their dancers in one way or another (thinking mainly about the late fees etc) and those dancers that are vulnerable are on the edge of a not very delightful precipice.

GetAll:

Jennifer Danns: "In the two years I worked as a lapdancer, I never met a woman who danced sober. Some took cocaine, some drank."

A job that women can't bear to do sober? Obviously must be great.

The Leeds report: 30% lose all faith in men -how many jobs outside the sex industry do you think cause women workers to lose all faith in men? So that's a 1 in 3 chance your daughter would be taking - not such good odds in comparison to jobs outside the sex industry.

Almost half hide the job from their friends/family - so there's the 'shame' factor as well - not so good for the self-esteem. Are these the same dancers as in the first category? No, not necessarily.

Over 40% saying they are abused by customers (it could actually be higher than that - The Leeds study is worded in a peculiar way. It says 'cite it as the main disadvantage of their job - so many may have been subjected to abuse but not have cited it as the main negative aspect of the job).

And, this is interesting. From the London Metropolitan University, Women and Child Abuse Studies Unit:

Dancer GD14 (10pm) about the customers: "Oh, they are lovely mainly. Some get a bit raucous, but they are generally respectful. They just want to be made to feel a bit special."

The SAME dancer (at 1am): "They come in all arrogant but leave like little boys. They are bastards who think they are God's gifts. I despise them."

Amazing what a difference 3 hours working in a lap dance club can do to your perception, and your mood, isn't it?

Now - GetAll - you tell me why you would be happy for your daughter to work in an environment such as this?

I do think that the exit data mentioned up thread would be useful to read/collate and may tell a different story.

GetAll the Leeds study's authors even said all the press coverage just concentrated on the 'positive' elements ignoring all the very relevant negative parts - it is discussed upthread if you care to read it.

I was just thinking about the fact you / others would be happy to have their daughters work as strippers and was thinking about the very most basic working conditions that strippers work under. It seems at the moment, there are no standard working 'benefits'. No holiday pay, no sick pay, no minimum wage requirements, no maternity pay, basically no contract of any kind. I wonder why that is?

GetAll, You say you are happy for your daughter to work as a lap dancer, but not a prostitute. Interesting distinction which I don't fully understand - they are both selling sexual services for money. DO you think that lap dancing clubs have a glamourous veneer that prostitution doesn't? Are you happy for your daughter to flaunt her vagina to men who are paying her, to mash her boobs in mens' (and Dadancer's wife's) faces - but not to actually have sex for money? That's where you'd draw the line.

You have also just started harping on about better regulation of clubs - as if that would solve all the problems of women being exploited in society So you are admitting that all is not rosy in the arena of lap dancing clubs then?

Are you happy for your daughter to work in a lapdancing club as they are now, or only after improved regulation?

GetAll for the second time on this thread, I would ask that you don't refer to me as fucker

I also have a feeling I have asked this of you when you have been using another name, and been ignored

it's bad mannered, and I have not been rude to you here

Ah, but GetAll, you didn't mind taking that one dancer's word (Jennifer Dann's) as gospel when you thought she supported your argument on another thread, did you? (I actually don't think it did support your pro-lap dancing stance - but, shrug - you like to twist things) You also have no problem at all quoting single sources, dodgy sources, or single opinions (eg your link to Dr Brooke) when it suits you.

There is plenty of academic evidence that the sex industry does harm to individual women and to sex equality - but you don't want to listen to it. I could google and post reams of evidence - and you'd still poo-poo it all. Because, as AF said earlier, you are defending the indefensible.

If I told you that smoking gives you 30% odds of developing lung cancer, would you smoke? DO you know what the actual odds of lung cancer are for a smoker? It is actually 1 in 9 (11% according to my quit smoking book). 30% ain't a statistic to be scoffed at.

Oh, and I like the way posters on here are called Sabrina & co according to GetAll.

I don't have a &co on here, thank you, GetAll. I'm an individual with an opinion.

GetAll - just re-read your post at 19:46. Quite illuminating.

So you've done several high risk activities and you've come through a stronger person? Good for you.

You're endorsing this on a thread about lap dancing clubs - a thread where you have said you'd be happy for your daughter to work as a lap dancer (but not a prostitute!).

You're therefore saying lap dancing is a high risk activity?

AF if you insist on calling yourself Any Fucker on here isn't it a bit rich to be 'offended' about being referred to as Fucker?
I can't believe this thread is still trundling on - poor OP bet she wishes she hadn't bothered!!!

Sometimes these threads become a fight to the death Kaluki

Death of the thread, that is.

Only 532 posts to go then

Calling AnyFucker 'Fucker' though is a bit rude, is it not? Esp as GetAll is clearly not in agreement, and posting very er, provocatively.

Everyone knows it's AF.

A recent thread (a nasty one) I was on ended up being filled up with lovely

& Christmas chat. It was great.

Sabrina

And yes, everyone knows it's AF

Particularly when AF herself has already asked you, GetAll.

Must go to bed. The festive smileys could be a bit like nightcaps, couldn't they?

Kaluki, I have asked him nicely before to call me something other than fucker

My nickname is not fucker it is AnyFucker and there is a reason behind it

I am a regular poster and everyone calls me Any, or AF. Not too much to ask is it

there are some names with the word "cunt" in them

those people are not "cunts" and it wouldn't be reasonable to call them "cunt"

same with me...it's a respect thing

he may not respect my opinions but he could be more respectful when he refers to me (because he is calling me fucker when he isn't even directly addressing me)

it is rude, and un-necessary

he also has form for this, because I suspect his penchant for calling me fucker may just have outed a previous name of his to me