Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

It takes a special sort of arrogance ( or is it ignorance) for a person to not realise that they are a laughing stock (of their own making) .
We are a group of ordinary women, wives and mothers, we dont just post on one particular type of thread, unlike saddancer, who only posts in support of pathetic, self entitled wankers who pay women for sexual services and thinks that people who oppose the sex industry are extremists.

Its hilarious and annoying in equal measure.

He has zero credilbility, especially after I upset him so much by daring to involve his "little princess" in the last thread about LDCs.

AF is right - someone like Daddancer will never listen - because he cares more about his right to use women as the sex class. So he just closes his eyes to the damage and exploitation of to many, many young women in the sex industry, and argues his points from a 'libertarian' angle. It's not very intelligent, and anyone with an ounce of brains can see straight through it.

Again and again he comes on Mumsnet, including on threads where women are upset about their partners visiting lapdancing clubs, and gives his nonsensical views.

Again and again, his posts are torn to shreds - but up he comes on the next thread, making the same old tired arguments.

And now, despite the fact that he has a daughter - he is in complete denial about a dancer judging him, being disgusted by him because she knows he probably has a daughter. Because he's not quite as old as 40.

pickled , you do realise that you are advocating that women will only get men to listen if they are kinder, softer, more feminine, don't rock their fwagile little egos, don't be "strident" or call them on their hypocrisy etc etc

is that how you meant your comments to me to come across ?

That's really funny GetAll - because you employ a great deal of cog dissonance on this thread yourself. You employ hysterical arguments 'you seem to be under the impression that I'm grooming my dd to become a sex worker' - - nobody's said that.

However, you have consistently ignored Fairenuff's points about simply 'supporting' your child, no matter what life choices they make, is not a very good idea. You have a duty as a father to guide your daughter and educate her on her life choices - especially with regard to equality and the sex industry.

You arguments are hysterical, GetAll.

Btw, I don't think it's particularly good parenting to say you'll support your daughter in a life where she is demeaned, abused, exploited, possibly ashamed, fairly likely to lose all faith in men, and will likely live to regret.

Rather than educating her in making good life choices and having respect for her body, that it is not something for other people to pay for and profit from.

GetAll - let's just examine your post of 11.52.

So, who do you think is most likely to have a daughter become a lap dancer?

The mother who will educate her children with her eyes wide open about the damage caused by the sex industry, who will teach her daughters to respect their own bodies and teach them that they have equality with men. A mother who will educate her child age-appropriately about their body, sex and boundaries?

Or the father who is relaxed and libertarian about the sex industry - who argues for hours on the internet that the "girls are quite happy and making good money" ?

I wonder.

GetAll - you are in complete denial about the sex industry.

GetAll, you have done exactly what you accuse Sabrina of

you continually use a flawed study in an attempt to get your point across, whilst conveniently cherrypicking those quotes that suit your argument and ignoring those that don't

There's such a sticking point about the lap dancers who are 'funding their way through Uni' as well, isn't there?

Which - assumes there are no other jobs that students can do, and wow, the lads must be pissed off that they can't fund their studies in such a lucrative and enjoyable way as the girls? Oh, but they're not, are they. I don't see any MRA's shouting for their right to be male lap dancers. As far as I'm aware, male lap dancers don't exist.

One in four lap dancers has a degree - what about the 3 out of 4 who don't? It's hardly a job with career prospects is it? I'm always saddened when I think about the one in four statistic - that so many degree holding women feel their best choice in life is lap dancing.

It's hardly a job that looks good on a cv either is it? Not likely to impress prospective employers much.

Whereas something like waitressing, bar work, etc which are the mainstays of student employment look good on a cv - they show a student is likely to take take responsibility for themselves by working through Uni, can handle money and customer interactions.

Thanks AF and running

Would anyone like me to lap dance for them?..............

Just reading through the latest set of posts, same old same old, choosing to critisize my character rather than actually argue any of the points. But hey that's the easier option.

It's hardly a job that looks good on a cv either is it? Not likely to impress prospective employers much.

i depends if they are like the narrow minded peeps on here or if it's DadDancer interviewing them.

Whereas something like waitressing, bar work, etc which are the mainstays of student employment look good on a cv - they show a student is likely to take take responsibility for themselves by working through Uni, can handle money and customer interactions. and these are skills involved in working in lap dancing clubs believe it or not.

You're making up little straw man arguments again GetAll. Nobody except you has mentioned 'revolting back street pits', Lilith or assaults around LPC's.

I have been talking about your assertion that you'd be fine if your daughter wanted to fund her university studies by lapdancing, and the fact that you are being completely blind to the fact that their are any negatives involved in the sex industry. You are even ignoring the negatives stated in the Leeds report - what, do you assume that the 'positives' will outweigh them? Ask your daughter if she'd like to work in the sex industry, where at least a third of women lose all their faith in men? Or in some other career, that doesn't involve her taking her clothes off for the sexual gratification of men.

I do, as always, find your responses to the arguments amusing on these threads - the picky picky posts and straw men arguments - but I'm also very saddened by your attitudes to the possible life choices of your very young daughter. I hope her mother is more aware of sexism and the sex industry.

Daddancer: "It's hardly a job that looks good on a cv either is it? Not likely to impress prospective employers much. i depends if they are like the narrow minded peeps on here or if it's DadDancer interviewing them."

Thank you, Daddancer for showing the mindset of men who use the sex industry, and how they treat women.

Has anyone posted this one yet regarding some peer reviewed research into women in the porn industry? Apologies if it has.

www.independent.co.uk/news/science/porn-stars-and-the-naked-truth-8348388.html

yet again goes against the cliches being spouted about by the antis on here.

Daddancer - would the ex- lap dancer get the job then? What if she wiggled suggestively for you in the interview? Or would you think you could possibly treat a woman as your equal? (In which case you wouldn't have posted what you've just posted.)

We missed out there, running didn't we? If we'd been lap dancers we could have men like Daddancer as employers. Wouldn't that be nice.

No i was saying (in a jokey way) that just because someone is an ex stripper it should not discredit them from getting the job.
It is you who are being judgmental about strippers and not treating them as equals. It is you who are making an assumption with saying they would be disadvantaged by having it on their CV.