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Original poster

Husband had a lap dance....?!?

594 replies

Hitchy83 · 01/12/2012 01:55

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

OP posts:
FBworry · 05/12/2012 21:37

Rubbish.

I judge on character not sexual organs.

Do you really expect me to have symlathy for this woman? If so why?

"The most commonly asked question is "You seem like nice girl, why are you doing this?" It's the most frustrating, patronising question in the world. I like to call them the Richard Geres of the strip club (aka Pretty Woman). I was not held at gun-point and marched in here, I chose to audition. If a customer is rude to me here, unlike a waitress, I can give him what for and leave, have him thrown out of the club even.

I make much, much more than minimum wage. My salary is better than that of an entry level job by about £10,000 ? a job which I can't even get because of the economic climate despite having a degree and relevant experience. I am self-employed, I choose my own hours and have a lot of free time. I get paid to drink, dance and feel sexy. And I get to spend all night gossiping with my girlfriends."

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/the-human-cost-of-uks-300m-addiction-to-lapdancing-7637488.html

FBworry · 05/12/2012 21:38

Oh and if it were a man saying it I would still judge him as stupid twat too.

mcmooncup · 05/12/2012 21:40

FB - your posts do come across as being a little unrepresentative of women. You seem to be happy to admit that there may be a very few women who actually freely chose to enter lapdancing (which I would disagree with btw and think it is more like all, but happy to run with that) and then use these very few women to base your argument to just get on with lapdancing as a necessary evil.

You are therefore basing your argument on a few outliers, which is not usually the way logical and reasonable arguments are made.

SarahG41 You may be happy that it's all just fun for men to see women as "tits and arse" but there are a lot of women who find that quite awful and would prefer to be viewed as something other than just a sexual object for male gratification.

mcmooncup · 05/12/2012 21:46

FB - I do feel sympathy for her yes. She has a degree and experience and views explictly displaying her body to men as an "empowering" job. Yes, a lot of sympathy.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/12/2012 21:49

Isn't it odd how the men on these threads simply melt away once the women start tearing chunks out of each other ?

Funny that

mcmooncup · 05/12/2012 21:50

They have delegated their responses to the handmaidens. Time to put their feet up.

FivesAndNorks · 05/12/2012 21:51

" FBworry

I do agree with what you both say- but there are women who are exceptions to this."

So why are you so obsessed with these women, these scarlet women, career lap dancers who flaunt themselves at other women's husbands and enjoy it? Why is your main point about these women who, as even you admit, are in the minority?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/12/2012 21:51

Indeed

And give their right hands a rest.

FivesAndNorks · 05/12/2012 21:53

It seems to me as though you're looking to put women at the root of this. It's a common thing to do. But sometimes men really are the main problem. Yes there are exceptions (i assume) but why are we discussing the exceptions rather than the rule?

FBworry · 05/12/2012 21:55

Because until now you all denied their exsistence at all norks which was ridiculous and infuriating!

FBworry · 05/12/2012 21:58

Whats wrong with talking about the exceptions once in a while?

Do these conversations always have to follow the predictable formula?

FivesAndNorks · 05/12/2012 22:00

Hmm not convinced. You focus on the majority, the main cause. Main problem with these places is the demand. Anything else is just an attempt to divert the conversation and make it a problem that women cause.

FivesAndNorks · 05/12/2012 22:01

Well in general you focus on the most relevant issues rather than the complete exceptions.

mcmooncup · 05/12/2012 22:05

I still deny their existence actually FB, if I told you what I did that would make sense (not to be a wanker, but I won't tell you what I do because I don't want to).

But, I am happy to agree for the purposes of this thread that there may be a minority of women who have made a free choice to go into the sex industry.

So, back to the OP.........yes, he's full of shit. Probably not even fully conscious of it. I wish women would read up on this, think about it, examine where they are getting their messages from and educate themselves. Most come to the same conclusion once they do.

FBworry · 05/12/2012 22:06

at university are we? No.

Its a general forum with a conversation with no rules. Its not up to you , me or anyone to dictate a thread.

FivesAndNorks · 05/12/2012 22:08

I'm not dictating. I sometimes wonder how you interpret my posts so differently. Just pointing out why people are angry because you've used a thread about something a man has done wrong to continually repeat that women are to blame. That's all.

FBworry · 05/12/2012 22:13

Yeah.

Except I never said "women are to blame".

mcmooncup · 05/12/2012 22:15

You said you have no sympathy for women who do it......it's the same thing - or at best saying that women are complicit in the industry.

FBworry · 05/12/2012 22:18

Your missing vital word of WILLINGLY do it.

mcmooncup · 05/12/2012 22:42

But very very few are actually physically forced to do it, what looks like willing behaviour may just be compliant behaviour and there is a big difference.

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 05/12/2012 22:43

Willingly? FB, do you think any 6, 7, 10, 12 year girl from a functional family says 'I want to be a lapdancer when I grow up?'.

I'm not being facetious by the way.

Somewhere along the way something has eroded or twisted their self worth, their values, their aspirations, their expectations, their views of men, their views of women, their views of money, of themselves.

FBworry · 05/12/2012 23:13

Not as young as that, but as they become aware of their sexuality some perfectly functioning women might think going into lap dancing will empower them.

Why not?

There is something very empowering about a man being in awe of your beauty isn't there? Being but a pedestal is exhilarating, who would deny that?
.

I think it would be highly plausible that you could mistakenly think this feeling of power would carry through to lap-dancing.

DadDancer · 05/12/2012 23:50

Yeah Any Expletive i've just been observing, putting my feet up. Brew

Can i just ask how many lap dancing clubs you folks have actually been to and how many dancers you have spoken to?, You act as if you are experts in this field but it appears to me a lot of you have just been copying and pasting the 'Object' website with zero experience of what you are talking about. I think GetAllTheThings was spot on with branding you as 'arm chair warriors'

Also you say you care for the dancers but i bet you wouldn't hesitate in getting these places banned or closed down?

mcmooncup · 05/12/2012 23:55

"There is something very empowering about a man being in awe of your beauty isn't there? Being but a pedestal is exhilarating, who would deny that?"

Yes I would when my beauty is based entirely on my tits, arse and vagina. A silent compliant beauty? How empowering Hmm

mcmooncup · 05/12/2012 23:57

I imagine you have lots of experience of these places Daddy, yes Hmm

And the conversations you have with the dancers while you are there will be completely objective won't they? You know, while you are paying her to entertain you?