Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

So would you say someone with low self esteem, insecurity and no power (i.e. they need empowering) is making a free choice to service men sexually?

FB - I don't get what you mean by choice. You and your DDs would not consider lapdancing as a way to make money - probably because you all have been educated, have had stable upbringings, been taught to respect yourselves etc. Women who go into lap dancing are often damaged as a result of having grown up in care/by dysfunctional families, were brought up to think their bodies were to be used by others etc.

Someone asked for links - a quick google has brought up the following:

www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/mar/19/gender.uk

www.independent.ie/national-news/lap-dance-bars-lead-to-rise-in-sex-trafficking-1275090.html

www.homeoffice.gov.uk/media-centre/news/police-report-sex-traffic

www.soca.gov.uk/about-soca/about-the-ukhtc/frequently-asked-questions

These are mainly observations and/or refer to other research papers.

Of course the girls are real persons, its the dance part which is the fantasy

What?

The dance is not fantasy, it's right there in front of you. Reality. The people are real, the dances are real, the drinks are real, the building is real. There is no fantasy about it.

A fantasy is something that you imagine in your head.

HTH

Yes lots of insecure women seek validation through men sexually through their own free will. Its a bad idea but nobody is forcing them.

Mad

Actually I have not had a good upbringing. Quite a damaging one.

But no I wouldn't go into lap dancing. I doubt they have me anyway! :)
Seriously though Its not for me and I would be heartbroken if dds went into it.

I will read links in a bit

It's not for me either, FB. But I can have some compassion for women who feel they have little else to offer. You could try that.

You can have compassion for the deserving ones.

How about the ones who know they are pleasuring someone elses dh but dont give a crap anyfucker? Maybe even get a small kick out of it.

Dont tell me women like this dont exsist.

If you do I can introduce you to a few...

You sound very angry FB - remember that its the men who are driving this demand and paying for these services. They are the ones who deserve your anger.

The women are not to blame.

The bottom line FB is that some women are trafficked, some women are forced into the sex industry against their will and some women are being abused daily by their pimps/drug dealers/boyfriends.

When you hand over your cash for a lap dance, you don't know whether the woman is one of those or not. She could be choosing of her own free will. She might not be. How do you tell?

She will smile, she will appear interested in you, she will say she is happy. She has to. Or there will be nasty consequences for her.

You just can't tell.

But the men who pay for dances don't care anyway. Makes no difference to them because she is just a body.

No one who visits these clubs would want their daughter dancing there. But they are happy to stare at other peoples' naked daughters. Makes you wonder what kind of man can do that doesn't it.

When you go in that strip club though, FB, how do you know which are the "deserving" ones ? You are talking about predatory women that you know here (and yes, I have met a couple of them too)

That is not what I am talking about

I am talking about the bloke (or woman...apparently there are women that do this too) who enters into a financial transaction knowing nothing about the girl's background. She could be trafficked, abused, prostituted, in fear for her children or her health. And yet, you might think she is "smug" because she has a smile plastered on her face, or somebody like GetAll doesn't actually care he cannot know for sure she is making an uncoerced choice to do what she does.

In a developed country, how is that acceptable ?

Or undeveloped of course, before anyone jumps on me.

Yes faire I agree with your post. Im against the industry but feel posters on here solely blaming everyone involved with a penis and absolving anyone involved with a vagina is naive at best.

How can anyone think so simply? If only life were so black and white.

But for someone who is willlingly involved how are they Not part of the problem? Im not going to think their part in sustaining the industry is all fine and dandy due to the absence of a penis. I base my opinions of peoples actions.

FB - read the links that Mad posted.

From the first link...

"The club management take on more women than are needed in a night so it really becomes dog eat dog. Quite often I made nothing. There were a lot of nights when I would have taken money out and come home with less."

...and...

"You pay 'rent' to the club just to be there and if you can persuade someone to buy a dance, you get £20 - about 20% of which the club takes. Then there are the fines - £10 if you miss your turn to pole dance, if you're late, you're wearing the wrong shoes or you break the rules. There are so many ways to make money from you. You are constantly trying to make as much money as possible out of everybody, otherwise you are literally paying to be there."

They're trying to earn a buck by servicing the punters. I'm sure they fully realise they're 'pleasuring someone else's DH', but how else are they expected to earn their money?

I really don't understand why your ire isn't more directed to the 'D'Hs who create the demand for these places...

I read the link and just thought get another job. You have one life, why waste it on that misery?

How else can they earn their money- my goodness is this not 2012 when every just about any job is available to women? Its hardly like they are making money anyway so whats the point?

When I needed money as I cleaned, babysat, waitressed, worked in hairdressers etc like most people do.

I meant how else are they expected to earn their money while they're working there - clearly I agree that there are a zillion and one better ways to earn money overall!

But this is what the reality is like for women who work in these places. As mentioned in a couple of the articles, we're being so socialised to view this as a totally normal and acceptable way to earn a living, that it's no big deal, 'empowering', etc, etc. When the reality is that it's actually incredible damaging and miserable.

And as always, it comes back to the point that the way the industry is portrayed by women working in, it versus women who have left it is very, very different...

When you start exploring it, there's a huge dissonance between the 'hard sell' and the reality - a lot of people clearly have a huge vested interest in the continuation of the sex industry...

As you say we are being socialised to see this the norm, which therefore, is precisely why women for "normal" backgrounds are now willingly go into it. Even if its "just" pole dancing in hot-pants in the club.

I cant see why this elicits any sympathy. Thats it really.

Yes, there are better ways of earning money but for these women, porn, escorts and lapdancing have been normalised so much that they view these as acceptable and that women are there to service men etc. That is partly what I mean by conditioning - its how they have been brought up and/or influenced by the people they mix with.

It elicits sympathy because the socialisation, generally by men in the "it's just a bit of fun, they wouldn't do it if they didn't like it" kinda way are actual lies and make women believe it's great and can earn a load of cash, when the reality is that it is crap exploitative work that can leave you loathing half the population because of the way they dehumanise you for their pleasure.

It's the duplicity - just look at the way ALL the men on this thread and those that have been caught out describe it. It is not the truth about the harmless stag do fun......it has much deeper ramifications and as we agreed above women who are vulnerable to needing validation are being duped into it.

You do actually know that men have most of the power in society though don't you, which is obviously very relevant in all of this.

I do agree with what you both say- but there are women who are exceptions to this.

Those women you hate, FB ? You know you can get past it and look at the bigger picture ? At the moment, you just sound like another kind of woman-hater, to add to all the rest.

What a truly pathetic post any fucker.

Whats wrong with you? Despite my opinion being different to many other posters they have remained polite and engaging inspite of not agreeing.

Perhaps you should learn from them in how to conduct yourself.

Just because you do not understand someone pov you can have more decorum to sink to attacks.

For someone one claims to be standing up for womenhood you sure dont mind digging your claws into other woman and ripping a great chunk of flesh of them just because their brain works differently to yours.

The irony you call me the woman hater. Or the audacity. Both apply.

I am not attacking you, I am pointing out how your posts come across.

Report them if you think they are attacks. There is nothing wrong with me, btw.

Personally think you are over reacting. Talking about tits is what men do! Having lap dances are what men do on stag dos so they can talk more about tits.

I often check out other blokes bums and would say comments to my mates like "I would ! Would you". I would never say that near my bloke as it would hurt his feelings, like he wouldn't say who he would put in the spank bank to me - although I am interested to know... If he regularly tells you her loves you and you are happy I would forget about it am stop reading his texts.

Hmmm....Accusing a woman of being a woman hater is your way of being nice is it?

I would hate to see it when you really get your claws out.

Im not reporting as its good for people to see your post.

If in your mind you think Im a woman hater as because I pointed out some woman are part of the problem (which it seemed a couple of posters said some will be too) then I don't understand your logic. Thats your problem if thats what you conclude.

But it is baseless.

Its not women hating to point out women are not perfect. Its reality.

Nowhere have I said all women are perfect. But you have made several statements that support the denigration of women.

I am happy for my posts to stand, cheers.