Husband had a lap dance....?!?

[Hitchy83]

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

Mooncup... Okaaayyyy....

Im talking about in general life,men admiring your beauty is rather nice and yes, empowering.

When dressed. You know how men admire your face, hair etc? No?

Easy to see how one might believe becoming a lap dancer might extend this feeling.

Hardly rocket science is it?

Okaaaayyyyyy
I have a lot more to offer than just my physical beauty. I don't need, require or be validated by a man's response to my beauty.

This really isn't rocket science but I'm afraid does again reveal a lot about your attitudes towards a woman's place.

Proudnscaryvirginmary
Somewhere along the way something has eroded or twisted their self worth, their values, their aspirations, their expectations, their views of men, their views of women, their views of money, of themselves.

or maybe they just enjoy getting their kit off and like the attention?

This reveals to me you cant read.

You do realise that post in answer to an entirely poster wasnt actually about you dont you mooncup?!

Why did you put my name on it then?

The 12.13 post

You started on about your arse, but the post wasnt about you

Jesus Daddy, you best go put your feet up again. Its not even good baiting?

There isn't a 12.13 post.

But if you mean why did I respond to your 11.13 post? Because it is a public forum? That's the idea.

Then respond to whats written, dont twist things to make it about you.

You asked, who would deny not being exhilarated, or something equally dramatic, by being admired for your beauty by a man?

I said, I would deny being exhilarated. And indeed held back from saying I find it tiresome to keep to the question.

No twisting I'm afraid.

It was a rhetorical question. The post was an explanation to another poster of why a seemingly "normal" woman might initially find lap dancing appealing. A pretty plausible explanation at that

Nobody was asking you anything.

mcmooncup
^I imagine you have lots of experience of these places Daddy, yes

And the conversations you have with the dancers while you are there will be completely objective won't they? You know, while you are paying her to entertain you?^

i am not a regular of lap dancing clubs, just go to them on special occasions like stag do's/ office parties etc. Saying that i have been to a number of different clubs and have met a fair few dancers. You'd be surprised how honest a lot of them are, they will tell you about things like their boyfriends, families, their kids, how much the club charges them for house fees or even how they are bored with their jobs. Not exactly what i'd call fantasy chat. As i mentioned earlier the only fantasy thing is the dance itself. Also you only pay for dances, they don't charge you to chat to them.

oh and it wasn't baiting i was stating a fact that some people are natural exhibitionists.

What have I started!!

Right so in conclusion for my original post had it out with hubby again, and for the last time, I won't go into detail but we resolved things. He knows he's done wrong, we've talked about it, and now we're moving on! I'm not being walked over, I'm admitting he made a mistake but that doesn't mean our marriage should end and our family for our son be destroyed.

So anyway I'm closing this web page down from my phone so I don't keep reading all those who respond saying how my husband is a sexist pig etc (seriously not helping and the insults towards him I found quite offensive to some degree!), he's my husband and I love him!

Just in case you peek Hitchy , it seems that you have come a long way from your first few posts where you weren't even sure if you should say anything to him.

If nothing else, perhaps this thread has helped you to see that, no, you are not being silly and, no, you do not have to accept his behaviour. You have spoken up about how you feel and made it clear where your boundaries lie.

Hopefully, this new found voice will be piping up loud and clear whenever you think he oversteps the boundaries. The telling friends stuff that he should be talking to you about, etc. There are always things in relationships that need to be discussed, no matter how difficult the conversation, so being able to communicate, to be heard and to be respected is most important.

Being told that you are being silly, everyone does it, get over it, stop going on about it, is not going to make the relationship happy. It just means that one person is trying to belittle the other in order to hide something from them or avoid taking responsibility like an adult.

One other thing. Instead of using the phrase 'lap dancing club' in you conversations, try replacing it with 'sex industry'. This makes the point more real and less excusable.

Fair play Hitchy glad to hear you resolved it. Sorry your thread turned into another battle royal between the pro's and the antis on the morals of Lap dancing clubs.

I can't believe this thread is still going!!
Some of you like the sound of your own voices!!!
The one thing you all seem to have overlooked is that the main reason behind lap dancing is MONEY!!! Plain and simple.
These girls can get more money stripping off for one night than working a full week in a shop on minimum wage so it seems like a no brainer.

It's easy for you to sit there in your nice middle class homes with your judgey pants hoiked right up but the fact is that for some people this is their only way of keeping a roof over their (and their kids) heads. That is the sad thing about it.
All the time men are prepared to pay for sex women will provide it. That won't change.

Oh and I'm glad it's all sorted out now Hitchy x

Hitchy glad you have it sorted :)

Kaluki I am not judging the women

I known you weren't Norks.
It's also a myth that lap dancers/prostitutes are drug addicts who are forced into it by their pimps. Some are, granted, but many are ordinary women trying to make ends meet - whether single mums, students or whatever and that is their choice at the end of the day. Sad but true.

Well, kaluki, for someone who doesn't like the sound of his/her voice, you popped back to have your say again

The one thing that you appear to have overlooked (to echo your condescending and speaking-in-words-of-one-syllable stance) is that the only person judging the women who provide sexual services is supposedly on your side of this "debate"

In addition, as has been said time and time again by the anti-sex industry "armchair warriors" on this thread and the myriad others is that we know there are some women that have made an uncoerced choice to accept payment for sexual services. When we condemn the men that pay to have primary female sex organs rubbed on their person they simply have no way of knowing which women have and which women haven't, and further to that, appear to not even care

DaddyPaysForALapDancer seems to think it enough to have a quick chat with them first ? I wonder how that goes ?

Punter: Hi doll, can I just check if you are drug-addicted, trafficked, beaten or otherwise have no real choice whether or not to pretend you are turned on by my hyper-masculine charm and money ?

Lapdance: No, I am a student paying my way through Uni and I love my work, it empowers me. I find it easy to hide my disgust at how your sleazy mind works and the fact I wouldn't piss on you if you were burning, should we pass in the street.

Punter: Smashing. Now bump and grind, baby. Show me how hot I think I am.

Lovely

I need clothes, these days of technology I would struggle without a phone, I can't get to work without driving my car

I can also abhor other things, as well as the sex industry

Nobody needs to buy sexual services.