Anyone there please? DP admitted to kissing someone in the pub.

[Owlfright]

I've namechanged as I'm worried my usual name is too recognisable to family and friends.

If there is anyone awake who could hold my hand I would be so grateful.

A friend told me this evening (sat) that last night my DP had been seen "snogging" another woman in a pub. He was out with some friends.

I've confronted him and he initially denied it, but then admitted it.

I'm not sure there is a word for how I feel- shell shocked shocked, sick, panicky.

We've been together 9 years and have a fabulous 5yo DS together. Things have been tense for a few weeks following a disagreement between us, but I fully expected us to be able to work through it.

He has said sorry, but I'm ashamed to admit he doesn't seem very sorry. I confronted him around 11.30pm fully expecting him to be full of remorse but he just kept referring to the fact that we've not been getting on.

I felt so angry that I had to get out of the house (DS is staying with my mum), I'm due to collect him in the morning. I drove round for a bit, and for some reason checked myself into a cheap hotel.

I'm there now, unable to sleep and frantic with not knowing what to do.

I know it's a cliche and people say its not so important but I'm petrified of turning our sweet loving little boy's world upside down. He adores his dad and would be devastated if he was to leave.

I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do.

Sorry distance not disks

Let him go.

He's going to do it anyway, sooner or later, why put yourself through the angst?

Awh sweetheart you must be shellshocked. Maybe just try to get some rest and do something unrelated?

It is your life and you should do what you want and what feels right for you. However, your dp has not shown in any of this sorry escapade you have detailed an ounce of sympathy and compassion for you. I really, really wouldn't beg him to come home. Even if he does I can't see it working out for you unless he has a personality transplant.

It must be really hard and I wish you the best.

If he's going to go I can't bear another protracted period of thinking where I'm desperately waiting for an answer. It tore me apart, I can't do it again.

You could make the decision yourself then?

Take back the power and tell him to go.

You are too good for this selfish man-child. One day he will realise what he has lost, but hopefully you will have moved onwards and upwards by then. You and your DS deserve much better than this excuse for a relationship.

By all means let him "get some distance" if he is so determined to have things his own way and whine about your patience running out. Your stepdad at least gave you advance warning DP wants out.

"If you love somebody, set them free".
Likewise, if he's a sulky PITA who can't compromise or talk things through, let him go.

And don't let him blame you for tearing the family apart/breaking DS's heart, if he throws that at you. He opts out when the going gets tough. What lesson does that give a child?

OP I don't know you and have just quickly scanned through this thread but here are my thoughts:

Is it possible that he did this in your local pub knowing full well that it would get back to you? That could be why he is not remorseful, because he had planned it to be this way iyswim?

It's his way of telling you that someone else finds him attractive and that if you don't come round, he might find someone else.

Put that way, I'm inclined to think that he might not be a nice person either.

He wants his own way. You and your ds don't figure in this because he is only thinking of himself. You have sacrificed a lot for him and your ds no doubt and you have done so willingly. He hasn't.

As a family you make decisions together, certainly decisions like this that affect the entire family. You talk about things, you take each other's concerns into account, you thrash out an agreement, work out a compromise. It appears that he is saying that it's either his way or not at all.

I think he expected you to be so shocked by what you heard, that you would agree to his plan for the sake of the family. That's why he keeps coming back to that point, because his snog in the pub was supposed to make you agree to it.

I think it was all planned. I'm sorry OP but this man is very selfish and very childish. What kind of father would he be if he's never there for your ds? You might as well be a single mum in those circumstances anyway.

Kids are adaptable. Life happens and sometimes we just cannot control events or situations but make the best of them. This is one of those situations. Yes it will be hard for your ds if you leave him, but you have to make the best of it and think about the future. Your ds will understand as he gets older. Whereas if you stay, he'll never see his dad, never spend time with him and will never grow close to him. Not a great example to set is it?

just let him go. You'll be sad but you'll also be free.

Are you sure this snog in the pub is the only incident of cheating?

Listen to what he is telling you owl, he wants to end it :(

Nothing he has said points to him wanting your relationship to work, he's mentally already checked out, you really need to understand this.

I'm so sorry for you and I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, but this is for the best, your ds will eventually have two happy parents, because even if he is unaware now, he will start to sense the tension.

Hugs.

Let him go. It's quite clear that all his behaviour recently has been leading up to this. It's what he wants but he's not man enough to say it.

again, from experience, even if he comes back and plays the perfect P for a while, which I doubt but I remember that fantasy well and I think you're still hanging on to it: would you still want him after what he did, all he's said, all that's happened? Do you want your DS being drip-fed his attention like this?

You won't see him in the same light at all, believe me, and the thought of him kissing someone else will haunt you every time you fall out and then it'll escalate.

Keep your kisses (snogging is for teenagers) for someone that cares and values them. It's the same as sex by the way, kissing someone else, it's just different body parts. In fact it was worse than anything for me because it's such an intimate, tender act (that's my personal view but I'm sure you get my point). Value those kisses, if I could back in time that's what I'd do. Lock them up until someone worthy comes along.

PS big hugs

So sorry he's treating you like this. You've got to let him go though- and not beg/try to persuade etc.
As hard as it is, whatever the final outcome is going to be- keeping your dignity will help you in the long run.
I agree- you should (if you can) tell him to go- he's playing power hames and you can take the power back if you want.
X

Good advice, ae

If he leaves it's because he wants to leave...and what does that say? He wants to leave.
I'm sorry but it's not possible to make someone not want to leave.

God I feel like kicking your DPs arse on your behalf.

He has moved on my love and you need to accept that, bin bag the twats stuff up and start taking care of yourself and your DC. You are a worthy, wonderful woman who will find a decent man in time but in order to heal you need to ditch this arsehole.
I have been where you are and clutching his leg as he walks out the door won't make him stay
xx
ps you will get over this, I promise you.

Can I just add that I think you've been really brave owl, in the circumstances (how you feel and how he treats you), to leave last night, to not back down over this work thing and to have this talk.

It doesn't surprise me he has decided to pre-empty you asking him to leave. I think it probably is designed to convince you he should stay. I think he probably doesn't really want to leave, he has had a taste of being responsible for himself and I guess he didn't like it so came back. Since then he hasn't contributed by the sounds of it and instead has been scrounging off you and happily trotting off to kiss (and worse?) ow in the pub and abandoning ds so he can do his hobby.

Sorry sat night!

I don't think he is your partner and I don't think you and ds are getting what you need or deserve from him. If he plays you like this I think he may well play ds like this too. This feeling of being desperate to hold onto him (familiar to me) is likely to come from the fact he is always absent and threatening to leave. My two eldest until recently have had this kind of desperate love for their dad for the same reason "if I can just be/do/feel/say a bit more xyz he will give me what I need"

He has already moved on I'm sorry to say.

He wouldn't have been kissing another woman in full view of the pub if he had any thought that there might be a future for you.

Sometimes a relationship runs it's course and you have to move on. I would be classy and polite but icy and keep your dignity intact.

I personally wouldn't limp along in a relationship where my OH eyes are elsewhere.

Why does it feel almost impossible to let go? Why would I cling onto this relationship when you are all telling me to let go? It's too hard, I can't seem to make myself understand that it's the right thing to do.

We spoke about him moving out for a bit. I think it's what he wants, to give him some time to think. I said if that's what he wants then he should go, but he was risking loosing our relationship if he went, and that there's no way he could let it drag on past a week or so, as DS would get confused (plus it's not fair in me).

I'm ready for all the shouts of kick him out, and I'm sorry if I'm causing frustration. Please stick with me, I am trying to take it all in.

We are sticking with you, don't you worry about that.

Of course you need time to take it all in. And time without him around may help you in that process. Repeated daily rows will not bring you peace or strength of purpose.

It's unimaginably hard to stay calm, but if you're finding it hard, do it for your DS.

Having time away from the drama, to soothe and rebuild yourself, does not commit you to leaving and the less you feed his expectations, the more likely it is he will actually think about what he stands to lose.

"Giving him time to think" will give you some space to process things too.

Things are happening, love. You haven't just brushed this under the carpet, had a dicky fit at us and flounced off. Stop worrying about what we think of you.

None of us expect you to sort your life out in one fell swoop. We give our take on it, and hope you will take the bits that apply to your situation and put to one side the rest.