Anyone there please? DP admitted to kissing someone in the pub.

[Owlfright]

I've namechanged as I'm worried my usual name is too recognisable to family and friends.

If there is anyone awake who could hold my hand I would be so grateful.

A friend told me this evening (sat) that last night my DP had been seen "snogging" another woman in a pub. He was out with some friends.

I've confronted him and he initially denied it, but then admitted it.

I'm not sure there is a word for how I feel- shell shocked shocked, sick, panicky.

We've been together 9 years and have a fabulous 5yo DS together. Things have been tense for a few weeks following a disagreement between us, but I fully expected us to be able to work through it.

He has said sorry, but I'm ashamed to admit he doesn't seem very sorry. I confronted him around 11.30pm fully expecting him to be full of remorse but he just kept referring to the fact that we've not been getting on.


I felt so angry that I had to get out of the house (DS is staying with my mum), I'm due to collect him in the morning. I drove round for a bit, and for some reason checked myself into a cheap hotel.

I'm there now, unable to sleep and frantic with not knowing what to do.

I know it's a cliche and people say its not so important but I'm petrified of turning our sweet loving little boy's world upside down. He adores his dad and would be devastated if he was to leave.

I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do.

[AnyFucker]

Well, I would simply tell him what I was doing, and why. I would say I was arranging counselling for myself to explore why I was so accepting of poor treatment by my partner, and possibly to help me decide whether this is the life I wanted or not.

Then quit trying to make him see your POV. You know you are right, it doesn't matter what he thinks. Back right off...disengage from what he thinks and does. You know that running after him and keeping him at the centre of everything is not working

If he fucks off, so be it, because it was going to happen anyway.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Good post AF.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Op - do get the books AF has suggested while you organise counselling.

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

"I just can't find the words to make him understand."

That would be because he is stupid and stubborn.

He is choosing to work weekends because family life matters less to him than it does to you. This means, you and your son matters less to him.

If I were you, I would like to know exactly how he is planning to make his "business work" in the week days, ask to see his business plan, how he is planning to make money from it.

I would also like to know what he would do, and with whom.

Why would a grown man, a father and a partner, want to chose away his family to spend time in the week, when you are presumably working and out of the house, and your dc in school, doing a "hobby" because he could "turn it into a business"?

He is asking a lot of you. Where is the relationship?

Think back to before his request, when did your relationship really change? Has he orchestrated this "not getting on" to have an excuse to stray and start building new relationships?

[itsthequietones]

Great posts from AF. OP, while you're waiting for counselling maybe think about the things that you can do that make you happy. What about a college course, evening class, assertiveness training, learn to dance, meet up with friends more - invest your time and effort into you. When you begin to realise just how strong and amazing you are you'll probably find that you have no place in your life for this sorry excuse for a man.

[HandbagCrab]

Did you post about your dp a couple of weeks ago? I guess you discussed his crazee work plans after that thread and he didn't like you standing up for yourself.

The 'you sleep in ds' bed' comment made my blood boil for you op.

He should be kissing your arse you know. You enable him to pursue his hobby and his 'dream' and have a lovely family by breadwinning and doing the majority of the childcare. If it wasn't for you, would he be able to do these things on his own? Whereas you could thrive without him if you gave yourself permission to put yourself first for a while.

Best of luck with your chat :)

[dreamingbohemian]

I also seem to remember a previous thread, where I believe there were a lot of responses all telling the OP she was reasonable and her DH's plans were incredibly selfish and ill-thought-out. I'm so sorry things have come to this OP but please please remember that YOU are not to blame for any of this. Your DH sounds incredibly entitled and inconsiderate, and if the marriage breaks up it will be HIS fault.

I cannot get over the fact that he left you for six months with a newborn baby. What a -- grrrrrr, I cannot even think of words bad enough to describe that.

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

Would it really be so bad if he left?

You would not have to support him any longer if you did?
Neither would you have to worry about his working hours, his women on the side, or whether he is going to leave you or not?
You might be better off financially if he left.

He sounds like an inconsiderate twat.

[Owlfright]

Yes I did post about his work plans a few weeks ago. I've name changed though, and not been very specific about the work stuff on this thread because I really don't want to out myself to people who I know IRL, not least as I'm not ready to shout from the rooftops that DP spent fri night snogging someone else!

I have absolutely kept to the gist of the work thing though......

My step father has called DP. I didn't know he was planning to do it. He then called me, he's on my side and made that clear, but he also said that DP said I've said some stuff over the past few weeks which has hurt him deeply, and that DP said that if things had been ok between us he would be on his knees begging for forgiveness..

I have said some stuff that he's taken to heart like that I was sick of everything, I wanted a DP with a normal life and he was making me put my life on hold. He says that given how hard he had tried to make me happy, these comments were really hurtful. He constantly refers back to them, and glosses over the fact I've said countless times that I said them at a low, angry, upset point and I am sorry.

He said DP said he was afraid that if we tried to make it work, he might look back in 5 years time and realise he had made a mistake and wasted 5 years of his life. Stepdad, asked me to keep this to myself, so I can't call DP on it, but it sounds odd?!

Oh dear, I'm on a roller coaster. One minute I want him out of my life, the next I don't.

[Offred]

How has he tried hard to make you happy exactly?

Oh god this is just awful. Please speak to women's aid and see if you can get some women's aid counselling owl.

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

I think I remember your thread too. His hobby is quite expensive though.
Not sure how he plans to make money of it?

I reckon he just wants to keep earning at the same level, and wants more time to spend on his hobby. He is choosing hobby over family life.

And now he thinks he will regret it, if he prioritizes you and his son.

What a tool.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

So he's gone one better since Saturday night OP he's ahead of you in painting that one-sided picture to your family and friends. He really doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy and is prepping the ground.

[Owlfright]

Oh dear, chat is arranged for now. I'm even more confused about what to say than ever. I shouldn't have insisted on it!

I know I must remain dignified, not beg, stay calm.

Feel a bit sick!!

[AnyFucker]

He sounds utterly grim, and utterly energy-sapping

[Owlfright]

itstgequietones, those things sound amazing!! I like trying new things wand would live to do more for myself, the main problem is time.

If DP leaves I will have even less time and no free evenings do I will be able to do even less for myself!

[Longtalljosie]

So he had to snog a woman in a pub because you didn't like his change to his working hours?

Him snogging a woman in a pub is grounds for divorce. You not liking not being consulted is just a normal reaction to disrespectful behaviour. Don't allow him to equate the two. You are in the right.

It seems to me he's told your stepfather he wants to leave. Hasn't he?

[Owlfright]

longtall no I'm not aware that he's told stepfather that he wants to leave. Sounds like they had a much more open honest chat than we've had about this though .

[AnyFucker]

if DP leaves, you will set up formal access to his children which will be more likely to give you more proper (meaning less on his terms) free time for yourself

every other weekend and an evening during the week is standard...I'll bet that is more free time than you get now (since you are doing everything, all the time)

[Longtalljosie]

I'm referring to this bit:

He said DP said he was afraid that if we tried to make it work, he might look back in 5 years time and realise he had made a mistake and wasted 5 years of his life.

Not a man who wants to stay in his relationship, I would argue...

[dreamingbohemian]

Longtall is totally right. Your reactions to your husband's ridiculous plans were quite normal, and no matter what kind of argument you had about it, not the kind of thing that on its own should end a marriage.

His reactions are so, so wrong. For him to blame them on you and anything you said is bollocks, please believe that.

Don't let him paint some equivalence between the two of you. You are acting like a responsible and caring adult and he is acting like a selfish teenager really.

He needs to grow up, badly. This is not your fault.

[cashmere]

You know I never feel like I'm far enough along the road to give advice that doesn't draw heavily on my own experiences.
However, what AF has said really resonates with me. I absolutely think you will leave him in time, (and I hope for your sake it's sooner than later) but you don't seem to be there yet.

I know for me I had to try everything... I wrote letters, talked when we were getting on (which was ruining things , talked in the heat of the moment, cried, shouted, left for weekends, suggested divorce, had space, got my family to talk to him, got his family to talk to him, got his friends to talk to him, suggested counselling, tried to see the funny side, cooked nice meals, little gifts, taxied him around, supported his dreams above mine.....

Nothing worked- for some reason though I had to try all these things. I may have well banged my head against a wall.
Eventually it was a relatively minor thing that ended it. I realised no matter what I did I was treated with contempt. My Mum asked why I was so passive and I said that it was as I had finally realised I couldn't do anything to change the way he treated me/our relationship.
I told him it was over and meant it. It would have been a lot better for me to get out sooner but I had to go through the process.

[HandbagCrab]

Sorry op it's just I remember how selfish your dp was from that thread and how you had put all your dreams on hold for him. I hope mentioning it hasn't upset you or made you worry about being outed.

How has he tried really hard to make you happy? When he walked out for 6 months when your ds was a baby? When he let you be the main breadwinner and main childcarer for the last 5 years? When he pursues his dreams and interests whenever he pleases expecting you to pick up and pay for the shortfall? How does this show he's tried really, really hard to make you happy?

Your stepfather should be keeping his beak out too. It's not his business to be having cosy chats with your dp when you're having difficulties.

It sounds like your dp wants out. I don't see how you can give more if you think that is what it will take to save your relationship. If you get back together it is saying every time you disagree or pull him up on his selfishness, he can go off and cheat. So you don't disagree and go along with everything he wants and he may stay with you and/ or not cheat. But there is no guarantee and a man that can take, take, take like he has and treat you like this is not one I would put my money on to keep his side of a shitty to you bargain.

I hope your chat goes well. You could say you've changed your mind and are not ready to talk if you don't feel up to it. Don't be pressured into doing things you don't want. Best wishes

[aefondkisses]

Owlfright I could have written your post and feel very sad and angry for you.

I know exactly how it feels, particularly because "snogging" is so bloody childish for someone who has a child himself, I mean WTF is he eighteen? Even then. I remember my male friends having morals when they were eighteen.

I don't want to influence you in any way BUT, if I'd known about mumsnet three years ago I wouldn't be here, faced with a full-blown affair and the potential for a really horrible split (I have one DS too, he's six). You can read my thread if you need convincing (the one with "kicked me" in the title) but I remember what this feels like so I'm going to talk to your instinct because you know deep down that this is not right.

So my question is: do you really want to be with someone who handles relationship issues like this? I wish I'd asked myself that at the time. No matter how much fun he brings (when he feels like it) to the family, he's your DS's role model, so WTF is he doing?

If he doesn't know that already, as an adult, you're about to massively waste your time, energy and good will. Keep all that for your DS.

Please don't wear yourself out trying to explain, understand, forgive..it made me ill, read my thread, seriously.

I know it's hard but life is too short, don't waste it.

Big hug x

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

Well said Aefond

[Owlfright]

He wants to go stay with a Mutual friend. To get some discs for a few days. I don't want him to go I know it will be the end. We are still talking but I think that's what he is going to do