A Sex Question......

[moonblushtomato]

DH has a bee in his bonnet (or underpants) that we are not having enough sex. Just wondered what the going rate is these days?
We are in on our early 40s, have been married for nearly 8 years and have 3DCs aged 15, 6 and 4.
btw we are averaging about once a week which I'm quite happy with.

It's perfectly valid that a husband/ wife should seek to make a relationship better, stronger, happier etc. and that one of the ways they can do that is "more sex".

What makes me cynical, is that in many cases "more sex" is the first thing men hit on, when actually what would make their DP happier, is "more housework" "more cooking" "more childcare" "more laundry" "more responsibility" "less drinking alcohol" etc. etc. which would often naturally and automatically lead to more sex.

Looking at more sex without looking at the context of the rest of the relationship, isn't always the sign of a nobber, but it usually is tbh.

And obviously, I'm talking about "more housework" "more cooking" etc. from their partner not from them - because they're already doing the lion's share and this is what is making their relationship unhappy for them in the first place and is also what is making them not feel quite so like sex.

Food for thought

I think a lot of it can be connected to the expected quality of sexual consideration of the female in a heterosexual sexual relationship. It is very often about male orgasm; "what do lesbians do?!", "oh sure you can fuck a woman that's not cheating proper sex", porn education, an attitude that normal sex is "needed" by a man and tolerated by a woman etc which has led sex to be commonly thought of as entirely male oriented in popular belief, how many of these men are wanting sex which actually builds intimacy and is about a shared experience? Which does not necessarily revolve around their orgasm? (I know probably some but I doubt the majority) How many women are wanting quantity because they are not getting quality?

Sex with men can be really disappointing, quite emotionally and physically exhausting if, for whatever reason, it is all about male orgasm from PIV sex as the main feature. i think women can sometimes react to that by wanting loads more all the time or by going off it completely. Often on threads like this I think "you want more sex, what do you mean by sex and what about the current situation makes you unhappy? How does your partner feel about the quality and quantity of your sexual intimacy and why?"

Well yes, it's fine to have a discussion and say I'd like more sex to your partner.

But that's not really the issue.

It's more what happens next that counts - if your partner says 'no' to more sex.

If it results in sulking or pestering or guilt-tripping then you're moving into the realms of coercive sex.

Anyfucker - least I have learned and am now with a man who has the upmost respect for me and other women. ! I was a stuoid young 16 year old, wasted four years with that bastard.

Yes, Ghost, there are a few years in my life I wish I could go back and live again

It's sad but least we have experienced the bad, and can maybe help others when we recognise the same situations happening. I always try to put a positive on a negative. It helps me feel better

I'm not usually one for being soft but it hurt me that someone used a subject like this to troll.

' he doesnt caress or nuzzle me he usually just pulls my bottoms down and rubs some lube on me ( i suffer from vaginal dryness) and then has sex with me.'

sllloooomee - Has it ever occurred to you that the so-called vaginal dryness might be caused by your lack of arousal due to the above. The majority of women need about 20 mins of arousal (I prefer that name to 'foreplay' as it doesn't imply that penis in vagina sex is the only aim) before they can enjoy an orgasm/s. I would guess that most women would be dry if penetrated in seconds without any caresses or nuzzling etc. Most women well past the menopause needn't have any vaginal dryness if they make sure they only allow penetration once they are fully aroused i.e. wet. And if that doesn't work, don't have penetrative sex. You don't have to put up with this whether he's your husband or whatever!!! Find someone who respects you or do without!

Yes that's a very good point Offred.

When men talk about wanting more sex, quite often they're talking about wanting to have more masturbation inside a woman's body.

Which er, isn't more sex if you're a woman, it's being used as a sex-aid.

mapleleef - Slooomee was a troll who's been banned now.

Me too...that's why I pushed so very hard (along with others), despite the raised eyebrows from other posters and perhaps giving the impression to some people that I am a bully. I am not, and I would do it again.

I have supported many people on here (along with other posters) in awful relationships that include sexual abuse, but this one did not ring true...and we were right. In the event it was true (please God, no) those rape myths being perpetuated are not tolerated on Mumsnet and for that I am very thankful (and a reason why I stick around here)

You are not a bully, AF.

last post was to Ghost...sorry slow typing (am distracted by Dog the Bounty Hounter)

quite a few people think so, Ashes

you are fab, Ashes, btw

Mapleleef
sllloooomee has now been been banned from the site. See thread above..

Well ... people are entitled to disagree. But I see someone who is willing to support others in awful relationships.

The problem is that people come on here asking for advice and it is frequently an indicator that something is very wrong in their relationship. The fact they are even here is a barometer, if you like.

If you're not in that kind of relationship yourself, it may be baffling to see posters like you (and me) who point out some of the general issues that occur - like women going along with sex they don't really want.

Thanks AF - aww! :-)

Damn, cross post.
We hope she was a troll, I've been on sites very similar in name to this one where issues like this come up and no-one else thinks it's rape or abuse at all. There are a great deal of people out there living lives like this unfortunately.

Guess that's what they mean by 'rape culture', Accidental.

Actually, I'm not surprised at all if MRA types troll about this kind of stuff here. Makes sense when you think about it.

Then you get the "snipers" popping in on such threads, upholding rape myths and telling us women that object how wrong we are getting it.

They offer no support to the abused women at all, but cause mayhem and derailment.

Cronullansw seems to be one of them...

that anyone could think AF was a bully.