Feel cheap :-(

[QuestionTime]

Hi ladies,
Well I did a silly thing and am feeling really down about it. Basically I've had a dreadful year with my mum dying and splitting up from my husband. I was just starting to get my equilibrium back - going out with friends and really beginning to enjoy life again.
Anyway on Friday it was my friends birthday and we went out as a big group. One of the guys in the group I got on really well with and we spent ages talking, dancing and just getting to know one another. He was so lovely - walking me to my cab and asking me to tact when I was home safe.
Anyway the next day he rung me and asked to take me out to lunch. We had a lovely time - talking, laughing and generally getting on like a house on fire. He was such a gentleman - always walking on the traffic side of the pavement etc. He dropped me home and we had a bit of a kiss.
Later that night he text me and after a few more texts and a phone call I agreed to go to his for dinner. Turned up and it was all candles and open fires. Put a cd on and it was my favourite song in the world. We both said it was like we had known each other forever.
Anyway one thing led to another and I stayed the night and we had sex. Only the third person I've slept with in my life.
Last night I went round to my friends who was also out on the Friday. I find out that after I left they pretty much did everything but sleep together.
Anyway I'd arranged to ring him that evening so told him that I had found out about Friday night. He point blank denied it and got really angry about it - saying she was stirring just because we had something potentially really good together - before practically putting the phone down on me.
I 100% believe her. Feel so cheap and used. Have never ever trusted someone enough to sleep with them that quickly. What a fool. Just really knocked my duck off.

[izzyizin]

So we will see what happens Some of us won't be resorting to crystal balls to see what happens when you go round to his for another 'dinner'

[whatacolddaytoday]

Your friend sounds toxic


She's the classic example of someone who is bringing their own negativity/competitiveness/prejudices into YOUR affairs.

Try and go by YOUR own feelings rather than "what will so and so say" You don't ever need to "make a point" about what you're doing, not to Mumsnet or to your social circles or whoever, as long as you're comfortable. He sleeps with you and doesn't call you again? You're still cool, nothing wrong with having had two nights with a man you fancied

Also bear in mind if you want to go further relationship wise, you're scoping HIM out just as much as he is scoping you out? Enjoy the intimacy but don't get obsessed by the idea of "getting" him

Have fun tonight, it's freezing here so I hope you get the log fire

[captainmummy]

But you don't feel 'cheap' because you slept with him on a first date. You feel cheap because you slept with him after he'd put out with your mate (who was snogging every other guy there)- although he didn't sleep with her. Why do you feel cheap then? especially as you have other boyfriends?

And if you are 'sloppy seconds' what does that make her?

[Tressy]

OP, don't go to his mansion house, ask him to meet you out, you are worth dating.

Sorry SGB, some women like to feel datable as well as s--gable. I do nowadays, maybe I didn't think about it much when I was younger.

[Jemma1111]

Who gives a fuck what he did the night before your encounter , he's minted !!

[Jemma1111]

Joking aside, give him the benefit of the doubt as you have nothing to lose

[Apocalypto]

this is interesting, I'd have said that technically, it would only be sloppy seconds for the second shag of you, wouldn't it?

I mean the phrase surely arises from the mess left by the first playa for the second. if the playas are the females then how much mess could there be?

[Xales]

So to be honest he didn't make you feel cheap at all. Your new friend who kindly referred to you as sloppy seconds when she hadn't even shagged him did...

[Slumberparty]

She sounds like she was jealous that he was showing you attention all night, so moved in on him when you'd left.
I used to know a girl like that. She was a massive attention seeker, constantly needed a man's approval, and would flirt with any man she knew you liked. Even slept with a guy a few days after I did, knowing full well I'd been with him.
This woman doesn't sound much like a real friend to you tbh, and I wouldn't trust a word she says.

[Gay40]

You can be shaggable and datable, for the record. You don't have to have Elizabeth Bennet as a moral role model.
It's all back to this utter shite about making men "earn it" or "good girls wait". No wonder so many women have so many hang ups. If you want to bang after 10 minutes, good. If you would rather wait till you know the person a bit better, lovely. If you worry about what other people might think, then fuck off.

[captainmummy]

Slumber - agree that the 'friend' was miffed that this guy wasnot all over her, somade it her business to 'get' him.

Gay40 - so you don't agree with the assumption that once the guy has had his leg over, he has no more need of the girl? That is the 'earn' it pyschology - that if she gives it all away, straight away, what else is there?

I don;t go along with that BTW...

[blueshoes]

My husband has always maintained that if a girl is datable, he is not going to be put off by the fact she put out on the first date!

[ToffeeCaramel]

The woman might be put off that he put out on the first date!

[garlicbaguette]

She called you sloppy seconds??
That girl is no friend, friend.

[garlicbaguette]

FGS, there's a tremendous amount of "When you've got the milk, why buy the cow?" lurking on this thread! I can't believe people still come out with this crap! It's like the Sixties never happened ... FIFTY years ago.

[WarmFuzzyFun]

I agree with SGB and Gay40.

I wouldn't want to date a man who judged a woman based on whether she had sex on a first date.

Who made these 'rules'? They are IMHO, rubbish.

[DameFanny]

Loving your work mini

Good luck OP.

Don't give more than you're willing to lose and take people as you find them, not as they tell you they are is a fairly good rule of thumb.

[Tressy]

'sisters' might have moved on leaps and bounds since the 50's but sadly not all our 'brothers' have caught up yet. They might one day or so it seems, perhaps it's just that they didn't like the girls anyway so in that case why shag her?

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

My all time record is having sex with five men in the space of one night. It was fun.

OP I do actually think that your 'friend' sounds like the cause of a lot of your current troubles. Some people get off, not by having sex but by doing sex-related things that are going to cause the maximum chaos, confusion and upset to other people.

[Tressy]

Five men in one night? Faints. Was it a gang bang i.e they all watched or was it private?

[whatacolddaytoday]

@ SGB

High Five

Is there somewhere to start a casual sex etiquette/attitudes thread etc? I'm really enjoying reading all the perspectives here - IRL I must confess I'm sometimes a bit scared to be too articulate about what I actually think?

[garlicbaguette]

Is there somewhere to start a casual sex etiquette/attitudes thread etc?

That would be this board! Look forward to seeing your work here :)

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

Tressy: Not a gang bang, it was separate encounters but it all happened in a swingers' club in Holland. Rather a long time ago now....

[bumhead]

I would like it put on record that my fanjo is gold plated! (and it has diamonds inside it too)

[Tressy]

SGB, thanks for answering I can see how it could happen like that.

I don't have the inclination for casual nowadays but had quite a lot of it in the past, some I regretted and some I really didn't. Prefer seeing someone regularly now even if it's not serious, until something special comes along. If it ever does!