I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

[MrsMorton]

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

Yes, achillea, you are probably right.

Although if your inference was that I was being unfair to op, perhaps you have misunderstood them?

My posts, that is

Mrs M, that is avoiding though. You see, 90% of communication is body language. And the fact that you don't want to do it, means that this is an area of growth for you! Being intimate and trusting someone else with your inner self...

Hard, but feel the fear and do it anyway.

Abit you know I had a feeling someone would say that and yes it is an area I need to work on.

I'm happy to be talked about in the third person, everyone's posts help me understand a little bit better what has happened and that all helps really.

I do think I am being gaslighted, a name for it is good.

This kind of is online counselling...of a fashion? I know I have always found mumsnet to be so , for me.... some of the posters on this thread have also been hugely helpful to me , time and time again... I have just caught up with this thread after a couple of days away and I think its safe to say there are many of us rooting for you as you face this and deal... just imagine for a second , walking in your own front door , sitting where you want , for how long you want.... watching/listening to whatever you wish..... you can make your bedroom a nest , your 'cave' to reside in as you wish....have friends over , eat whatever you bloody want , and move around your life as you please...go out for an evening with anyone you want to...... sounds nice doesn't it??! I existed for years and saw nobody....now I go out alot , huge circle of friends , I go to live gigs , stay over with friends and vice versa...lifes not easy , but the only person who runs my life is me :)

I think a good professional counsellor will not expect you to be completely open from the start, I guess all they need is enough honesty for them to be able to help you understand your situation. CBT is quite good for not delving too deeply but enabling you to understand and change behaviours.

I'm so sad I just don't know what to do. I'm sorting washing etc out (we share household jobs) and I KNOW that I will have done something wrong for him to pick on and it's like there's no fucking point even trying to get it right because he will be negative from the minute he walks in.

I have him three options for food tonight, we've had a busy week. Either I cook, we go out or we get a takeaway. Decided that I will cook. This morning after I had taken some fish out of the freezer. Oh we're going out for a meal... Really?

Just everything is pissing me off at the moment. "Have you used the gym in work?" Not recently, why? "Because you don't always tell me things" is it a problem if I do use it? "I don't care what you do"

I can't get my head around it. Sorry for a rant, I just needed to get it off my chest.

he is a twunt.

the weird questioning and changing his mind is all part of the control.

I don't know you, but i want you to get out asap.

Leave him. I was the OW also in my early 20s (am now 38). In short, we met, he was 24 years older than me, left his wife of 25 years six weeks after meeting me, we moved in together, got married, stayed married for ten years, now divorced. XH has two children close to my age, had a vasectomy, refused to have more. When I was 30 I started wanting a child, which he refused to discuss and would sulk for days. For years I thought this was my 'karma', but one day my biological clock turned into a shrill alarm clock that wouldn't stop. I now have an 18month DD who I adore, a loving DP and my XH is happier without me 'nagging for babies' too. We all make mistakes, the worst one here would be to stay trapped out of a sense of duty. Staying married won't undo the hurt caused to his XW. Don't worry about people judging you, you deserve to be happy.

Betty, thank you. It is hard not to worry about being judged though dont you think? I was woken up this morning to discuss how I have changed and when I said, you never talk to me any more, all I can get out of you is negative and grumpy one word answers that's apparently because he's trying to give me more space. I know later he will ask why we didn't have sex this morning. Being woken up to "discuss" things isn't exactly erotic dear.

I'm using this thread as a diary of sorts to refer back to when I lose my nerve.
Into town now where no doubt I will get a hard time for wanting to drink an americano rather than a latte.

What a Grim way to live

Mumsnet is so hysterical about other women. Some posters sounds like a cross between Mary Whitehouse & Anne Robinson. Jeez.

AF, I don't need any more convincing!! It is grim but there's a light at the end of the tunnel now.
Woozley, you're right. I was thinking about this when I couldn't sleep last night, one day anyone's DD could turn up at the door and say "I need help" like I have and where would they put their judgy pants then? It's easy to take the moral high ground and judge but RL has a habit of fucking things up sometimes doesn't it!!

MrsMorton, this sounds awful. I feel absolutely suffocated on your behalf. Please, please change your situation. If he can't/won't change, then you have to get out. Life is too short to be so unhappy

Woozley, read the thread before making statements that make you look a bit thick

MrsM,, with all the support you have had on this thread, do you really think it fair to agree with Woozley's assessment of posters on MN ?

Wow, shown your true colours there, Mrs Morton.

Where is the hand wringing, guilt ridden OP who thinks what she did was so bad, karma is keeping her in an abusive relationship?

That has really pissed me off after all the kind support you've had - some from women whose lives have been wrecked by OW.

Mrs M, a few pages I wrote rather heartfeltedly, about the pain of being betrayed. And how awful it was to know that another woman who KNEW what the real situation was, was doing.

So tell me again about judgy pants, when we are helping you get your head round the consequences YOU BROUGHT ON YOURSELF?

I remember quite clearly Charbon telling you that someone who is prepared to shove his family under the bus is giving some accurate indications about who they are as a person. But you are now bleating about the effects of those indications you ignored, on you?

What exactly is it you want?

I am thinking that some people will judge without even thinking or having had any experience of what it is like to be in any sort of situation where EA, OWs or any form of unhappiness exist.
I'm genuinely sorry to have offended anyone by what I said, I know I will lose RL Friends over this because they will judge me. I know that after my experience I could never ever assume that something is as simple as it appears on the surface. I'm sorry for an ill thought out comment but I stand by my comment that it is easier to take the moral high ground than it is to set those opinions aside.

I am still and will always be exceptionally grateful for the advice that I have been given. I'm sorry.

And those sentiments apply to those who have pm'dme with abuse and support.

Wow
You have had a lot of support and acceptance despite many women on this thread having experience of being cheated on. I have been surprised and amazed at how easily posters have set aside their own feelings to give you great, non judgemental support. And you start wittering on about judgy pants Classy.

There is no need to pile on the OP, there have been vile comments on this thread directed to her that must of hurt.

Yes, it was ill thought-out in that as soon as a sniper came onto the thread, a poster who had offered you no support at all prior to coming on your thread with a clear agenda of slagging off other MN'ers, you immediately sided with that.

Instead of saying "oi, just a minute, these MN'ers have been a great help to me, so sling your hook, mate"

No-one wants you to be endlessly sorry or 'grateful' on here, but to say what you said upthread - I'm shocked to be honest. It's not about judgement, it's about feeling duped.

You don't really think you did anything that bad do you? You think you fucked up and that any of us could to the same.

Well I am 42 and I have never shagged a married man even when I was single and, trust me, I sowed my oats back then!!

What would I say to my dd? I'd support her and love her no matter what, but I'd be bloody angry with her too. And I would have told her for years beforehand what it means for one woman to do this to another - the havoc and pain it would wreak.

Good luck (I mean it) because your dh is a cunt. But I'm out. You've shot yourself in the foot and I for one am extremely pissed off.

I was going to post a big long-winded message to you but seeing you slag off the posters who have spent nine pages supporting you I think there's very little point.