I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

[MrsMorton]

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I could never have found support like this in RL because no matter how much I want to talk about it, I can never find the right words or the right person to talk to.
I am taking small steps, starting with finances. I am the main earner and I earn very well (not a stealth boast) so thankfully finances are well down my list of concerns. I realise how lucky I am to be in that position.
I just need to make sure everything is in order before I do anything.

Time and time again . An inadequate older man takes a younger, shining, sorted, clever younger woman with everything to live for and takes her apart...piece by piece.

You were instrumental in the initiation of your own downfall, OP, but it doesn't mean you have to stick around to watch the completion of it.

Spot on AF.

You know love, you've got so much going for you and that sadly isn't always the case on these boards.

You've got financial independence, no dependents and you're only 31. As someone upthread said - this is the time of life when many of us hadn't even settled on a life partner.

I sincerely hope this thread has shown you that there are no prizes for sticking with a past mistake made while you were young and naive. I hope it's also shown you that the stories some men tell about their wives and ex-wives need far greater scrutiny. Under different circumstances, I suspect as two women you and his ex-wife would have a lot of empathy for one another, having been married to the same punitive and controlling man. Good luck and be brave.

I am not very up on divorce, without children. But if you earn more, could he get spousal maintenance?

OP, as af said you made the decision to sleep with a married man and made choices that led you down this path. However while sleeping with a married man is (imo) a very bad thing to do. It does not make you a bad person. I can't believe that one decision defines you as a person.

A bad decision also doesn't mean you have to put up with abuse.

If you need advice please come back. I won't flame you.

Please do take the advice AnyFucker gives above:

AnyFucker Wed 21-Nov-12 20:03:08

Time and time again . An inadequate older man takes a younger, shining, sorted, clever younger woman with everything to live for and takes her apart...piece by piece.

You were instrumental in the initiation of your own downfall, OP, but it doesn't mean you have to stick around to watch the completion of it.

Mrs Morton you once had an affair with an older, married man. That is not a crime.

Domestic abuse however, IS. What's more, it is a crime which almost always escalates over time. Your own experience shows that to be the case, no?

Goodness, of course you do not deserve this because of one mistake made when you were young and naive. I feel so sad that you have been carrying such a level of guilt all this time. Please don't flagellate yourself over this anymore. It's done, you've learned from it, you deserve some peace of mind.

Thank goodness you are in a strong financial position - it is at least one less obstacle in your way if you decide you definitely want to go.

Sending you loads of virtual moral support. You deserve a good life op. Good luck.

Get out and take that with you, take my whole hearted blessing too.

Be warned if and when you do decide to leave, he will pull out the big guns:

Accuse you of an affair
Call you every demeaning name under the sun
Say he should never have left his wife - you weren't worth it
Beg you, weep, promise to change - he only keeps you in this prison because 'he loves you so much'
Get angry
Get scary
Threaten you
Threaten to hurt you or hurt himself

All these things will stop you leaving or break you donw if you don't prepare for it and keep remembering you have a right to leave, that how you got together is nothing to do with how he's treating you now. He's using your affair to keep you - make you feel you deserve this, you're unworthy of being treated well, you can't be trusted, you are a bad person.

You have a right to be free. This is NOT the man who is going to allow you to be happy.

my husband has just left to move in with OW and to be honest its one of the things I keep thinking about. If someone can lie and cheat to such an extent, how can they expect to move straight into a trusting relationship? He is measuring you by his own standards but tbh he knows it hasnt bothered you before so probably thinks you could do it again

Doin, I'm really sorry to hear that. You are right in that's how he feels.

with respect doin who gives a fuck how he "feels". Your husband is a prick, the OP's husband is a prick. Therefore you have more in common than you think at the moment.

I've just caught up on the posts, and the picture you have uncovered is clear and bold and it seems that you have made up your mind and decided to leave.

Can I suggest that you don't spend too much time analysing this. You are financially secure, you can walk when you want to. So I suggest that you walk when the fancy takes you. It might be over spilled milk, it might be just a feeling that you get when you think about him. Just get up and go, make the decision and stick to it.

I say this because I believe he has trapped you (as abusers do, possibly unconsciously because it's the only thing that works for them, as abusive behaviour is often an emotional survival technique).

He is doing all the things he can to make you stay (the unpredictable reactions are a one technique) but it is an unrealistic relationship (I think you see that now).

So are you prepared to just go (you might have to get some papers photocopied and precious things stashed)?

Interesting that his daughter doesn't get on with you - that may be more to do with him than her or you.

Wow, um. No. I went through finances last night. They are complicated but tbh, I would happily go and take nothing except what we owe my parents.
It's come around fast (this decision) and I haven't thought about anything else. I need to arrange somewhere to live, that's my next step.

I will keep you posted but I do need to do this in my own time. I will do it though. I will.

Well done OP - give yourself time, you are in no rush, just get your life sorted before you leave.

Good luck, Mrs Morton

x

I'm glad you are determined and are clear in your mind about it.

People sometimes procrastinate about this kind of thing, end up over-analysing it, then years later find it's too late.

Good luck, but get a move on

Mrs Morton

I unreservedly apologise for my extremely unkind response to your post, my response was very insensitive and totally uncalled for.

All of us come on here for help with our problems (me included) and great advice can be given here - I don't exactly know why but I momentarily lost the true spirit of MN. I am truly sorry to have added to your stress.

I have read through the whole post - you have been given some excellent advice - do what you need to do to get out of this horrible situation. You don't deserve to be treated on this way. You sound lovely.

I understand. This is an amazing resource and do you know what? I will get responses like that in RL so it's good to get my skin appropriately thickened. Your open apology is very kind.

It takes guts to make a proper unreserved apology like that, STP

Op hasn't tried to garner any sympathy for her predicament, and has accepted all the criticism coming her way (and knows she deserves at least some of it). I wish her well, and I am glad you now do too.

Yes, that is something about Mrs M that has just shone through, hasn't it? Dignity, integrity, an innate goodness.

Good luck Mrs M. Let us know what happens. It really won't be easy and there will be a lot of heartache but trust your gut, where ever it takes you.

And, could you perhaps find it in yourself to apologise to that daughter? For helping her Dad be a twunt, hurting her mother, being the prize of a family breakup.

Has anyone ever done email counselling? Or is it really something that needs to be face to face. I just think I would be more comfortable and able to share more if I could write it down...

Not sure about email counselling - probably quicker face to face.

AF - regarding 'deserves some of the blame' - isn't the guilt around being a home-wrecker the perfect weapon of power that an abusive man can find, that and the power involved in the secrecy and the likely 'you and me against the world' kind of false allying that these people do? They can be sooo manipulative it is very likely that it is precisely because OP was unable to resist him that he sought her out?

(sorry to talk about you in 3rd person OP)