I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

[MrsMorton]

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

Abitwobbly that's enough!

The op did NOT bring this on herself at all! No woman deserves to be abused. No woman asks to be abused.

She had an affair with a married man. That is not a crime and has nothing whatsoever to do with the abusive situation she now finds herself in.

Personally, I think OP was naive (but not malicious) and perhaps not well-versed in the "sniper" mentality of some internet users who post shit-stirring calls to arms and then fuck off, offering no support to the Op at all

there's a great deal of naivity shining through pretty much all of Op's posts, so I guess it's not too much of a surprise, and that was a genuine apology I think

I'm out too.

Your minimising of what you did (fucking a married man and help ruin forever, his children's sense of being safe and loved) shows me who you are.

I was in the same unfulfilled marriage as my H, and I DIDN'T CHEAT. It's a choice. What is happening to you didn't 'just happen' to you.

Please don't have any children. You are rather cold and there is some nasty martyrish hidden anger in there too.

and now we have it...woozley has achieved it's aim

throw a grenade in, fuck off and watch the fun

this thread was going fine until that turned up

let's get it back to where it was before

Op pm me if you ever want to talk, don't listen to the vile rantings on here of course you deserve to have children if you want, don't take to heart the vileness of some.

Abitwobbly It was her H that ruined his marriage and quite possibly his XW. Yes she did something wrong but I must say as much as I think it is absolutely wrong to knowingly get together with a married man in very late teens/early twenties I did the same as they do promise you the world and convince you that you are 'the one'. Its immaturity and naivety but not a crime and not malicious by the sounds of it.

Some of you nasty posters do sopund as if you think you are so much better than everyone else and clearly have never made a mistake when you were young!

Fuckthatdildo it is called the law of cause and effect. 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction'.

EVERY choice has a conseqeunce. If you make good choices, they have good consequences. If you make no choice, that in itself is a choice (and therefore will carry a consequence arising out of the passivity).

Why do moral relativists deny this very basic fact of life, as 'judgement'? It is not judgement, it is stating a fact. You really do reap what you sow. No amount of progressive theories will ever take this fact of life away.

It is the reason behind the FACT that very few relationships started on the basis of deceit and betrayal (failure rate stated as somewhere from 90% - 97%).

Because, as Charbon has stated many a time, a person who choses to cheat reveals issues that are rarely about the marriage, but boil down to selfishness.
Love is based on the hard work of acts of integrity. Love is NOT a feeling.

It is illogical, therefore, to dismiss this as 'judmental'

AF/Fuckthatlldo: totally disagree. It offended me - and that's from someone who has not been cheated on so I am not coming from a place of anger or bitterness.

I do however agree that certain posters' style/language is jarring, sometimes hysterical and too harsh.

Oh God this is just going round and round in circles - the posters shouting 'judgey pants'...have you actually read the thread?!

Ps I realise I have terrible form for saying 'I'm out' then coming back!

Most of the pms I have had have told me not to have children, apart from the one that hoped any I did have would be stillborn (thank you for that one). I will go away now, I have obviously made too many mistakes.

Mrsmorton that is truly sickening, please report them. An please pm me anytime.

proud I was offended too, but tried make people see that the thread was going ok until one malicious sniper decided to knock it off course and MrsM naively responded to that. She has apologised and I accept the apology.

MrsM...those pm's you got are disgusting. Report them to HQ, and believe that the vast majority of women do not wish that upon you.

I don't think you should have children with this particular man ....the reasons for which were being unpacked and examined on your thread in a constructive way, I felt

don't flounce...although I have a funny feeling the thread going this way has been somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy as far as you are concerned

you came on looking for a kicking, now you can go away and justify staying with this awful man

not MN's finest hour (for lots of reasons...not particular posters, nor particular viewpoints expressed)

MrsMorton that is horrendous. Anybody who sends a message like that to a stranger is emotionally sick.

I'm so sorry you've come on here for support and a minority of people have responded in this way.

You do not deserve what is happening to you in any way, shape, or form. It is not your fault. Sending you much virtual moral support.

You deserve a good and contented life. Go for it.

I made a huge mistake in my late 20s. When someone told me who they were, I chose not to believe him. I thought I could change him, and that my love could cure him. When he asked me to marry him, I was thrilled and ignored a PSYCHOTHERAPIST'S warning not to marry him, that he would make me very unhappy.

How fucking stupid was that.

Well, now, I am living my consequence. My wilfulness, my lack of understanding of what proper love is, my FOO issues ['children of narcissists have a very high tolerance of not having their needs met']. I am not blaming anyone else, I am setting about looking as to why, how, what etc, and what I need to do to find the self-care to protect myself better. Less dependent, less giving over of my self, having better boundaries. All the things I needed to have then, in order to have seen his red flags for what they were and made a different choice. (actually the same journey as Mrs M and countless other women who thought they and their love was different).

Its called being honest, owning your sh*t.

Not being naive, 'it just happened' 'other people are judgemental'.

what LaQueen said
also from my dim recollection of my early 20s there was a wide choice of available, single men

The thing I abitwobbly this thread isn't about you, this woman is not the reason your marriage broke down an actually from the sounds of things you should be glad your husband left. Now can you please stop being so self righteous and cruel.

I'm not flouncing. I just feel that as you said AF this is no more than I deserve and I am almost certainly naive and that's probably because I'm not allowed to think for myself.

It wasn't latte vs americano today but I had to eat a sandwich and a pastry otherwise there would have been sulking.

MrsM...please repost and quote where I have said "this is no more than you deserve"

Do not attribute that quote to me, please

Brandy no it isn't, but someone LIKE this person is the reason and if that someone says something that minimises an explosively hurtful issue, flaming does tend to ensue. I then tried to explain that I WAS living what I was saying about making poor choices and not emotionally growing. Can't be done in 2 sentences.

Wooow, I see that there have been some nasty PMs. For the record, my PM was supportive and I will be happy to reveal it if not believed.

Wobbly if you ignored a psychotherapist warning (and some would say you brought that on yourself) why can you not see that a OW would ignore a wife with him minimising it down. If you want to start a thread about hating OW who ruined your life (again I think from the more you say you should be grateful) then do so but the op does not deserve to be your punching bag for something she has not done to you.

I've read the whole thread from start to finish Proud. We're just coming from different viewpoints is all. Personally I feel nothing but sympathy for the op.

I respect the view of many Mners that being any part of an adulterous relationship is beyond the pale. Infidelity can cause great pain, I know. But my personal view is that humans are imperfect and that their relationships can be messy. Relationships break down - it is never easy no matter the circumstances.

People make mistakes. The op is sorry for hers.

She is now a victim of domestic abuse. That is something unrelated to infidelity. It is not her fault and she is entitled to support and sympathy.

Abitwobbly. With respect, I feel as though you are talking about yourself and your own situation on this thread, rather than really relating to the op. You're talking about your own choices and your own self blame - your own feelings that you are justifiably living with the consequences of some poor decisions made long ago. That isn't owning your stuff - that's taking responsibility for someone elses behaviour.

Domestic abuse is never the victims fault. That is all.

I wasn't attributing it to you AF, I can't stop getting things wrong and offending people. I really am off now before I cause any more offense. Thank you.

You didn't offend me, love. I just wanted you to set the record straight on that one point.

MrsMorton there's no point in leaving on a wave of self-fulfilled prophecy.

You were expecting to be treated like a piece of dirt here but you haven't been. Leaving now will cut you off from the very good and supportive advice you're getting here.

You need to learn to ignore the nasty posts. As for those PMs, report them. Utterly vile and notice how whoever said it didn't have the guts to say it on the thread? Says a lot about the person she is and that's not someone whose opinion I would put much store in!

I see you've apologised for your earlier statement so I think you should continue with the thread and let it get back on track.

There are a lot of very hurt, betrayed women on MN and they won't give you a break. But as long as you don't expect them to then you can let it roll off your back.