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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Twirling body builders, dominant alpha males and been hurt in the past-Dating thread part 29

999 replies

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 17/11/2012 17:42

Took the liberty of starting a new thread. Blush

Off you go ladies and gents...

OP posts:
lulubellaboozle · 23/11/2012 08:37

Apologies for all the phone typhos, you know what I mean!

domesticgodless · 23/11/2012 08:47

I'm feeling v down and meh this morning and thinking of dropping out of OD before I've even started. Maybe it's just too soon after wanker ex who's f*ed my head up so much.

A friend had a great outcome on match and is urging me to go on, but I reckon if I ate in this foul mood I'll probably put people off anyway. Sorry for the self-pity party :(

domesticgodless · 23/11/2012 08:51

If I DATE in this foul mood :D

Scattylatte · 23/11/2012 08:57

Domestic. Im hearing you completely. Ditto. Plus OD is the last thing to do if you are feeling less than armoured.

48howdidthathappen · 23/11/2012 10:02

kirsty that would be too much for me before meeting. A bit of lighted hearted sextexting after you have met, and you both know where it is going is good fun.

Domestic if you don't feel ready, you probably aren't Smile

Nomorepain · 23/11/2012 10:10

Domestic godless - I found my od experience a bit of a roller coaster. Looking back it has done me some good but I was bit of a wreck during it because my confidence is so low. Exh cheated in me whilst pregnant. Dd is 8 months old now so decided to give od a go. Met a lovely man, he was damaged too. He was very genuine and kind but found that we discussed the traumas that we have been through rather than flirty chat etc. there just wasn't a spark but I m still not sure if that was due to me putting up so many barriers so I wouldn't get hurt again. I analysed everything - every text, every chat, every gap between contact. I was on high alert to get hurt again but unable to put myself out there to develop a relationship. Having said that it was great to get out, talk to someone new, get listened to and get dressed up. I am on bit of od break now but will take it up again soon when my confidence is better. They say the best way to get over someone is to find someone new... Just so difficult to know when to start

bantamrooster · 23/11/2012 10:35

Kirsty - shame about the submariner. I always think it's kind of hideously crass to start talking about what you like in bed until you've actually been to bed together, or are about to, and there's chemistry and that inevitable feeling that it's going to happen. Putting pressure on you 'you'd better go along with what I want or I'll have to rethink' is just ridiculous.

If I were you I'd reply something like 'I love everything you said you like, toys, oral, everything. But I can't stand people I've never met before insisting that they get it from me. Goodbye'. Or some such.

A bit of a flirty text before meeting is fine, but if someone you'd just met and quite liked was chatting you up in a bar then leaned over, winked conspiratorially and said 'I like watching while you play with yourself' then you'd probably stop talking to him. I think this isn't much different except you don't know if you'll fancy him yet. A mistake is forgivable but that 'maybe we need to think about things' is putting pressure on and is shit behaviour.

godless - yes OD is a rollercoaster, it's got ups and downs, boredom and excitement and annoyance and cockshots (apparently). You need thick skin to deal with it and most of us on here are ambivalent about whether it's right for us at times. But if you think you're not ready you probably aren't. You can still look round the sites with a hidden profile and get ideas of who you'd like to meet, maybe.

lulu great news on NYE - sometimes overthinking things is part of the problem.

NicholasTeakozy · 23/11/2012 10:45

Kirsty, Bantam is right again, sexting before you've even met is a bit off.

Godless, if you're having doubts about OD you ain't ready.

domesticgodless · 23/11/2012 10:51

yes sadly I agree with you all. Think I'll stay on the sofa for a bit.

The film studies prof is an ancient contact from a previous attempt. We're in the same profession and had loads of the same interests so he's texting a lot but has never called. I told him before that I couldn't cope with going out cos was depressed and that did not put him off... so we'll see. From photos of him I'm just not sure if I'd be attracted. Not impossible but not clear.

Tbh depression needs dealing with by yourself doesn't it. You can't go out and sparkle. I am just lonely I guess and been looking in the wrong places for distractions.

mercury7 · 23/11/2012 10:52

Kirsty he's just trying to get everything on his terms and make you feel as if you've consented to sex before you've even met him...the out of date profile pics would be a big red flag for me.
As for him saying that you may not be compatible, making out he might withdraw his favours if you dont comply, he's bluffing...women dont have to hustle to get sex, men like him do.

If he's such a catch why would he put 8 year old (more likely 10 in my experience) pictures in his profile...??

domesticgodless · 23/11/2012 10:55

Kirsty re the submariner you were absolutely right. After my marriage breakdown I launched into OD like a manic ton of bricks (?Mixed metaphor). I'd last flirted in 1995 so didn't realise that being asked for sexy pics, texts etc was the norm for wankers. Indeed I was sex starved after a bad marriage so I occasionally responded, if not positively, at least without going away. Usually though tbh the guys would at least wait to take me out for a drink BEFORE starting to treat me like an unpaid prostitute/text sex service. It is astonishing how many men will do this. I ended up telling a few to go pay for phone/text sex and my god, the outrage from them when you do that....!

lubeybooby · 23/11/2012 11:04

Mornin' all

Just waiting to hear from BC about what this 'something special' is and when. I feel weirdly nervous, like a first date only it's going to be our last Confused

Dum diddly dum

Kirsty, ugh I hate it when they go all sexual like that. It's just not necessary and really shows up the one and only thing on their mind. I love bantams put down reply!

Godless I agree some sofa time could be a good thing

KirstyWirsty · 23/11/2012 11:05

I just sent him this

Morning

I've had a bit of a think about the texts you sent me last night and I don't think that we are really looking for the same thing so I think it best that we just leave it

It's been nice chatting with you. Hope you find what you are looking for x

Although wish I'd seem your suggestion first bant !

If I'd agreed to meet him it would have been as though I'd consented to what he wanted .. And I didn't want that

Anyhow means that next Thursday is now free so seeing TheAuditor then instead

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 23/11/2012 11:08

Morning all,

kirsty Just deeply, deeply inappropriate on every level. Please block him immediately. Totally agree with bantam If that was a guy in a bar you'd be running away so quickly you would leave fire tracks on the floor! Just vile.

poppy I'm sorry but he is blowing ridiculously hot and cold. I would move on in all honesty. My motto these days is to never let yourself be treated like an option and that's pretty much what he is doing. He can use his kids as his reason all he likes, but the degree of picking up and dropping you when he feels like it is unacceptable IMHO. Sorry but I don't think he's showing much promised and you don't need the headf**k quite frankly.

Well, I went out with my man boy last night & he's only just left! Fun though it was I'm now having that hideous "Will he think I'm easy" thing that I always get in these situations. It's really difficult sometimes, you want to be respected but you are also a woman with, erm, needs.Blush It's a bloody minefield out there!

Sorry for not replying to everybody else. I have a bit of a hangover and I am feeling delicate.

OP posts:
StellaBrillante · 23/11/2012 11:08

I have now been on POF for two weeks (an all time record!). Amidst all the freaks, I have been messaging the one guy who seems normal and can actually write properly. He's very witty and articulate but...his pictures really don't set my world on fire.. Basically, he's got potential to be a really good friend.
I was content with that until he's emailing suddenly became more intense...and then he sent me a message last night saying that he keeps checking his inbox, looking forward to my next response. Is it a bit much or am I only thinking that because all I want is to go out with the teacher?

mercury7 · 23/11/2012 11:15

I think the submarniers behaviour amounts to grooming Kirsty
it is pretty common..you just hafta cut 'em dead pdq!

mercury7 · 23/11/2012 11:16

I think it's a bit much Stella...even if I was checking my inbox like that I'd never admit it...makes him sound naive at best, I think

bantamrooster · 23/11/2012 11:17

Stella - well he's keen on you, that's obvious. I don't think it's too much for him to say he's looking forward to your next response - if you were keen on him too, that would give you a warm fuzzy feeling, but you're not so it doesn't. I don't think he's being unreasonable by saying so.

However, it's time to either meet him and see if he is better in real life than the photos (which apparently does happen) or call it off.

I've been in situations where I've been exchanging messages with someone I really liked the look of, who was funny and we seemed to 'connect' (as much as you can over emails) who suddenly said she only saw me as a friend. Which was a bit annoying but.. okay. I didn't join the site to make friends though so it never really carried on. But at least she let me know. And I've done the same to other people, where they were funny but the picture didn't do it for me, and when we met in person the reality didnt do it for me either.

Happens all the time, let him go back to trying to find someone who fancies him.

StellaBrillante · 23/11/2012 11:29

mercury7 bantam I agree with you both. Regardless of how I feel about him, I thought it was a bit too soon to be saying something like that. It's flattering, of course, but no warm fuzzy feeling... He hasn't suggested meeting though, which I would have done just in case the attraction was actually there in real life! Thank you both :-)

antonym · 23/11/2012 11:39

Kirsty did he call himself submariner or did you? Either way it has a certain fnarr factor given his stated preference for, erm, diving.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine · 23/11/2012 11:44

antonym That post has given me a terrible vision of him strutting up to ladies in bars and going "Hi there, I like to go downnnnnnnn"Grin

OP posts:
bantamrooster · 23/11/2012 11:56

"up periscope!"

KirstyWirsty · 23/11/2012 12:26

Antonym That is his job - he is a warrant officer in the navy submarine corps

You lot are so funny Grin

KirstyWirsty · 23/11/2012 12:37

Lubey have you found out what the special surprise is yet??

OhWesternWind · 23/11/2012 13:07

Crappy crappy day, all sorts of stuff going wrong, feeling really shit and really low.

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