Twirling body builders, dominant alpha males and been hurt in the past-Dating thread part 29

[Milkandlotsandlotsofwine]

Took the liberty of starting a new thread.

Off you go ladies and gents...

I'm curious, people on OKC, what do you count as a 'good match' percentage wise if you're looking for people or contemplating replying? What are your minimum criteria for that?

Bantam - if there's a chance of spark then def send her an email, nothing to lose!

Welcome Pink and 48.

Firebird - I completely ignore the match % on okc, I just go by the pics and the profile. A man 15 yrs older than me and totally unsuitable judging by what he'd written in his profile messaged me the other day to tell me we were a 92% match!

Still messaging dishy dr, it's a whole week and a day before we meet which is driving me mad! I am in big danger of falling for a man I haven't even met, stupid me. Someone give me a virtual slap please and help me get a grip!

Hi Firebird,

the problem with match scores, or affinity, or e-harmony, is that they all have some clever computer algorithm to calculate these values, and they don't say how they work. They've been asked lots of times by scientists to compare match scores against random pairings of people to see how they stack up over time. If I take Girl A and Man B randomly from a group of people and repeat that lots of times for Girl C and Man D, will they date for longer than couples selected by a match score. How about if I let them choose for themselves by speed dating, or random chance? And when they've tried to do that kind of thing either the online dating method has failed or they refuse to cooperate in the experiment.

People trust computers to do stuff like this - calculate your bank balance, stock prices, football player rankings. But they can't do stuff like 'will you fancy someone' or 'do you get on' - we've spent millions of years working stuff like this out for ourselves. If you fancy the picture, forget the score. Maybe take a look at the questions you think are important (are they racist, do they take heroin, will they date someone with children etc) but forget the score. It's only useful for providing a small list of people to look at which you can choose from

Hooray for house watch :)

Am surrounded by presents I need to wrap for DS. Am having silly minor wobble about life as is exactly 2 years since I found out about XHs affair. Bothers me less this year than last year but still threatens to overwhelm me a bit :(

Pixie apparently what you need is a slap with a wet fish! (not sure why and no connection to the men with fish conversation from last night)

Firebird Like Pixie, i go more by pic & profile than match% on OKC. The men on there so far have been decent but uninspiring. Except for one mad American who lived in Ireland who I had to block!

Bantam have you got something lined up with the Venezuelan yet?

Just had a text message xxx from Mr fuck and run. Don't know what thats supposed to mean. Do I care do I fuck.

** just saying 'Hello'

watch very good news, hope moving house stress will be over soon

bantam not sure, but think ball is in your court. She sounds very reasonable the way she approached this first date, not too long and not too much and rather a first meeting than a first date. Sounds like a clever one.

pink I'm on OK Cupid & it's the only one I've ever used. It has some hot looking men on it & some horrors as well (don't they all?) It's taken me 7 dates to actually find one I want to shag to death. Having said that he is still utterly unsuitable long term as he's 12 years younger than me. I don't know how useful any of the sites are for any of us in terms of finding someone more long term.

48 3 ponies and a horse? Wow that's a lot! I have 3 ponies, 2 new forests and a 8 month old Dales pony foal. They are the apples of my eye. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Pixie - calm down with the emails and texts with DoctorDishy. Pretty much everyone on here can say they've made a real connection with someone over email, it's kismet, it's fate, they're perfect. Then when they meet they turn out to be a midget, or have halitosis, or it's just.. not there. No spark.

Of course it may be awesome and amazing. Maybe there's a 20% chance of that happening. Take it easy.

Yoga venezuelan is on for coffee on Sunday afternoon. I've limited email in the hopes that the worst case scenario is that I have a nice drive on a sunday after a nice roast, coffee with a stranger, and back home. No disappointment on the cards. Can you tell I'm getting cynical?

Also, I'll probably be very hungover after a big pub crawl (possibly with Milk&Wine joining in) on Saturday in Camden.

Hmm, actually the OKC algorithm is one of the more transparent. It's based entirely on the questions, and the weighting (relevance) you've given each one. There's an explanation for it somewhere. I found it and went and changed the importance of answers a while back for dealbreaker stuff and it made a big difference. They also do stuff, not so transparently, with attractiveness, I think - based on ratings. Heh, the day I joined it put STBXH into quiver with a 99% match, which was amusing

I usually find like anything below 75% indicative of some dealbreakers so I seem to pay far more attention to it than anyone else. Oops, didn't realise that was just me.

Milk. I am going to turn into a mad cat women. Looking forward to it.

How do I get the smileys?

Citizen - the approach to the first date - not too long and a first meeting - was my approach. I suggested coffee one evening in a starbucks off the M25 and she responded 'oh, you crazy romantic fool!' which made me love her just a little bit.

then I explained the beer goggles avoidance strategy, and the no-awkward-sitting-around-waiting-for-the-date-to-end strategy and she agreed with my wisdom. If we'd had alcohol I would have fancied the pants off her.

"Can you tell I'm getting cynical?" ...aren't we all?!

Coffee on Sunday sounds good (as does the Sunday roast - were you the one who said a few threads back you wouldn't date a vegetarian?). Pub crawl not so much! Haven't done that since 1992.

pixie hope dr dishy doesn't look anything like Derek Shepherd or Mark Sloan or you could be in trouble!

48 scroll down below the posting box it shows how to do smileys.
If you do this (but in lower case) for example [SMILE] you get

Very clever and sensible bantam and by the way I don't think of it as cynical at all, if one approaches a Sunday meeting/getting-to-know date the way you've described.
I think it's very healthy, stable and reasonable and a way to protect yourself and set boundaries, that's what healthy people do.

Oh my that sounded cut and dry at myself

Oh and I am fancying this guy working in my library and I figured out he is there Wednesdays, so started to hang out there on Wednesdays of course.
The problem is, that I am quite sure he's at least 10 years younger arrrgghhh,
but now I am reading on here how common it is for other women to date men much younger and even 10 years doesn't seem to be an issue, but for me it's a totally new idea.

ok, I need some advice here, as just had a phone call and been left feeling a bit meh, and a bit upset. I have been seeing Mr Ex Army since September, we met on Match. He lives a good 1.5 hours away from me and works long hours and some weekends too. However, with juggling we have spent quite of lot of time together, including a couple of weekends away and I have met all his family. He is starting a new job after Christmas which will mean shorter hours and that he can also move a bit nearer to me. He has also changed his previously fairly ad hoc arrangements to see his daughter (basically whenever he wasn't working) to every other weekend to fit with my own arrangements so that we have every other weekend child free and together (work permitting). He is a lovely guy, makes me laugh, great company and I really like him.

BUT, have just come off the phone to him and we were talking about Xmas and the New Year. I will see him the weekend before Christmas and then he is off up North to his sisters for Christmas Day and Boxing Day, then back to spend a couple of days with me (when my kids will go to their Dad's). I have just told him that my kids will also be with their Dad for the New Year. I told him this hoping that he would take the hint that we could spend New Years Eve together. I know he is planning to go and visit his cousin and some extended family, I have met them and they actually talked about New Year when I was there and said at the time to me, oh you're welcome to come along to New Year at ours if you want. I was non committal at the time because I didn't know my own plans and it was/is still quite early days in our relationship. He just carried on the phone conversation after I said well I don't have the kids for New Year and said oh yes, well I'll be going off to my cousins probably on the Sunday and then back on New Year's Day with no mention of me joining him.

So to cut to the chase, I am upset, I will have been seeing him for 4 months, I would like to spend New Year Eve with him, I had already been invited to join in if I could (but not by him) and I feel a bit put out! I want to talk to him and tell him how I feel - but should I? is it too early to expect to spend that time with him? The thing is, I know me, and I let things fester unless I say how I feel. As it was, I just had to end the phone call, trying to sound cheery because I felt like I might cry. I really don't want to spend NYE on my own with no kids.

But they can't do stuff like 'will you fancy someone' or 'do you get on' - we've spent millions of years working stuff like this out for ourselves.
Yes, algorithms are no match for human interaction and definitely can't predict chemistry. My job involves a lot of trying to get algorithms to have some human intelligence so I know how impossible it is.

If you fancy the picture, forget the score.
Actually, the person I have fancy the most in the world is someone who I would've passed by if I had seen their picture online which does make me wonder, but that's the thing with OD. I am not practicing what I preach there though and am definitely talking to all the eye candy

lulubella as I am sometimes struggling with social norms in the UK I better don't add my views, BUT I think that you are absolutely reasonable. Really, I would feel exactly the same as you've described.

Thanks Yoga

Littlefire I also think photos I see on FB or these OD sites don't seem to resemble the people when I see them in RL. And I mean I find many people better looking in RL and so different than what their photos might give away.

Also so many people are photogenic or spend lots of time posting great pics, but then I see them or hear them and get a glimpse at their attitude and all of the sudden they become unattractive to me, and reverse it's very much true as well, so many I wouldn't find attractive or special or interesting on their photos and in RL they have so much about them, I truly start to fancy them.

lulu - I see why you're upset, but he did originally make the offer and you were non committal. I think in that situation you have to ask if you could join him. No one likes being turned down twice - even if the first time was ambiguous because it wasn't by him and you were non committal rather than saying 'no'.

Just be honest, say you've managed to work out how you can be free on NYE and it would be lovely to have a kiss with him at midnight.

I just realised I have no idea what I'm doing on NYE. First one on my own (although admittedly my STBXW was asleep by midnight for the last two years)

bantam you should consider a trip to Hamburg. NYE is awesome here.

Oh, I understood that lulu was sort of casually invited by family members with whom is going to spend time/NYE with, but that timing to accept invite was not right as in too soon and relatioship still very new and she didn't know how he felt, so lulu didn't want to push herself in to early, is that right?!

too soon at that relationship stage I meant to say.

Bant the thing is he didn't make the original offer, and I was non commital but so was he at the time, but i am sure he knows that I would love to join him. I know I need to say something but I am not sure what and also I suppose I'm scared if he says, well I'd rather go on my own, that I will feel very rejected. I don't want to feel like I'm inviting myself or forcing myself on him.