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Original poster

Husbands hiding income and outgoings???

55 replies

Snowflower01 · 14/11/2012 23:42

Am i the only one, who has no idea what my DH does with his money?
I sometimes see his current account statement, but have no idea what he does with the money. He transfers enough funds into a joint account to cover our monthly outgoings. But where does the rest go?
I have no idea whether he has savings or debts. He has had gambling debts twice in the last ten years (five figured numbers both times) and I believed that these were cleared and believed his online gambling activity had ceased.
He refuses, point blank to log into his bank account and show me his current account and any savings accounts that he might have.
I never saw the debt paperwork or online figures, so figures may have been very different, to the size of the losses that I was told about. I start to fear he is still has debts. Am I being unreasonable?
I just want to ensure that I don't see him lose the roof over our heads.
What can i do to protect me and our two children?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/11/2012 23:44

Do women really live like this ? And then ask if they are being unreasonable ?

Not helpful, I know Sad

LittleTyga · 14/11/2012 23:46

Me and my partner would sit down every month and go through everything together - bills - savings - shackles left over! We pooled it all together and took out what was needed. Do you earn any money?

clam · 14/11/2012 23:59

No, you won't be the only one. There will be other women who have settled for an existence like this.

But that's kind of irrelevant. You clearly aren't happy with your situation. So, is it a deal-breaker for you?

Original poster
Snowflower01 · 15/11/2012 00:00

I work part time and earn a third to a quarter of what he earns.
I put money into our joint account, but half of what he puts in, so my joint contribution isn't pro rata.
I am just so frightened that he has undisclosed debts.

OP posts:
LittleTyga · 15/11/2012 00:02

What does he say when you ask if you can both sit down and go through expenditure?

Original poster
Snowflower01 · 15/11/2012 00:05

Quote AF

I suppose it is called trust and then realizing that your trust might be abused.
I am not asking for control, but just to know that he isn't lying to me about his financial status.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 15/11/2012 00:08

Emm I don't know DHs finances and he doesn't know mines.

I am the higher earner.

We both make the agreed contribution to the joint account and the rest is ours to do as we will with. It requires trust that we ARENt gambling/ taking out loans etc but we have it.

And to be honest, if he asked to sit and look at my bank accounts, I would be royally peed off.

Of course the difference is we trust each other - you don't trust him, and it sounds like rightly so tbh given the history.

MyCatHasStaff · 15/11/2012 00:09

Since his financial situation has very real consequences for you and the DC, you have every right to know what the situation is.

Original poster
Snowflower01 · 15/11/2012 00:10

Going through the household expenditure would be fine , because I know what all of our household outgoings are.

I worry about any hidden credit cards, previous gambling debts and what he does with his money. He won't disclose his expenditure at all.

OP posts:
LittleTyga · 15/11/2012 00:13

What is your instinct telling you? Do you have a feeling he is gambling?

Eurostar · 15/11/2012 00:13

Do you rent or have a mortgage?

Original poster
Snowflower01 · 15/11/2012 00:14

rhondajean and MyCatHasStaff >>>thank you to both of you.

My trust was wrecked ten years ago and three years ago. I am too embarrassed to even write the amounts of money involved.
I don't hide anything and had a very good income before going part time. I just don't believe it is fair to not know where we stand financially.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 15/11/2012 00:16

I'm always baffled by married couples who don't a) pool their finances and b) share equal responsibility for it. Surely it makes no sense for a couple building a home and future together to have no idea what the other is doing for money, and for one to have more disposable income than the other? The only way I can see it working is if both are ridiculously high earners so that both can spend whatever they like on themselves without the other being left at a disadvantage.

But what absolutely baffles me beyond belief is when a woman is the lower earner and puts absolute faith in her DH to look after the finances and not make sure she knows exactly where every penny is. Because odds are you would be left up shit creek and unable to care for yourself and your children if your DH upped and left you for a younger model. It happened to my mother - no way will it happen to me.

tallwivglasses · 15/11/2012 00:18

It bloody isn't! After the experience you've had everything should be completely and utterly transparent. Good God woman, sort it!

Original poster
Snowflower01 · 15/11/2012 00:21

I don't think he is gambling, well, not from home. He says he isn't, but is that really the truth?? He could possibly be at work.
Dam online gambling.
I just think that the debt that he admitted to, three years ago might still exist and that paying it off might be an issue for him. It might have been more than I was told.
His post was all redirected to his place of work three years ago and even now, very little comes to the house. That is why I knew nothing about his credit cards , back then.
We own our house.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/11/2012 00:22

Are you sure you own your house ?

LittleTyga · 15/11/2012 00:26

Have you been in touch with Gamblers Anonymous? Maybe they could give you some tips on what to look for and how to broach the subject of his gambling and your fears?

Original poster
Snowflower01 · 15/11/2012 00:26

tallwivglasses >> I am sorting it.
AnnieLobeseder >> We were earning about the same, but children made me reduce my hours and like a fool, I just continued to let him shield his finances.

Yes I am an absolute idiot. I know, but which one of us is perfect?

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowflower01 · 15/11/2012 00:27

AF>> The deeds are in our possession.
And any joint loans would have been obtained fraudulently, if any exist. I have signed nothing.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 15/11/2012 00:30

Sorry Snow. I'm also very not-perfect. Stay calm...and go for the best damage-limitaion exercise you can.

MyCatHasStaff · 15/11/2012 00:30

I very much doubt that what he admitted to was all of it - addicts are rarely honest, they usually underestimate the damage, to themselves as well as you. There are things you can do, like checking where you stand on the house. If the mortgage is in joint names, you don't need his permission to check that. There's also a way of separating your liability on the mortage/ownership of the house - I'm sorry I'm knackered and can't remember the term exactly, but it's to do with being tennants in common I think (google will know) but it basically means you can't be forced to sell your interest in the property to service his debts. Sorry I can't be more help.

Eurostar · 15/11/2012 00:32

If you own your house you can check for any charges (secured debt) on it by downloading the information from the land registry, costs no more than a tenner I think. If your name is on the deeds and borrowings have been taken by forging your signature this would be fraud of course. Hopefully it has not gone that far.
www.landregistry.gov.uk/public/online-services
Other debts such as credit cards are unsecured so although it wrecks your credit rating if you are financially linked to him on credit records, at least no one can take your house for it.
As for pensions, future savings, sounds almost certain as if there is no good news in his account or he would not be hiding from it and hiding you from it.

I would say you need to educate yourself swiftly about debt so you know what you are up against and what you need to worry and not worry about. Do not rely on him in any way as it sounds like he is at best in massive denial and incapable to admit his financial position or at worst leading quite a secret life. You may find some help and support from organisations that support families of gamblers. If you google you will find several.

You can order your own credit records from the main agencies to see if you are implicated
www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/credit-rating-credit-score

Sorry it has come to this for you, knowledge is power here for you.

Original poster
Snowflower01 · 15/11/2012 00:34

LittleTyga >> GA is no use. I know what to look for and some hide it well. I don't need their tips. I just needed my husband to log on to his bank account when I asked him. His refusal is his downfall.
My husband always said it wasn't gambling, but I just didn't understand why it was done via Paddy Power. LOL. Hundreds of thousands at one point. But as quickly as it comes, quickly it went.
Greed was his second downfall.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowflower01 · 15/11/2012 00:41

tallwivglasses >> thank you, i will continue to try calm for my childrens sakes.

Eurostar >> Quote " it wrecks your credit rating if you are financially linked to him on credit records" .... i am going to do a credit check, but shame it wouldn't disclose his rating.
"leading quite a secret life" .... just can't imagine what and I thought that i was quite street savvy.

OP posts:
BustersOfDoom · 15/11/2012 00:44

I deal with all our financial stuff and I too am the higher earner - almost double what DP earns if that makes any difference. But he knows all the passwords to our online accounts, we get paper statements too and he could check anytime he wanted to. I certainly don't hide anything from him and can't think of any good reason - unless I was up to something and wanted to hide stuff - why I would act like your (D)H.

If you are worried you could get an online credit reference check for yourself for about £2.00 I think - try Experian. As you are married and live at the same addresss your credit histories will be linked and borrowing he has will also show up on your account. I've just checked my Experian account and all DP's borrowing - which I know about - is listed under Financial Associations. It shows who the borrowing is with, when it was taken out but doesn't show how much or if the borrowing is in arrears. But you 'could' do a credit check for him if you know some basic personal details to find that out.

And I don't care if anyone thinks snooping is wrong. I've never done it as I've never had need to but if I ever suspected DP was lying to me about something so important as finances and debts I'd do it in a heartbeat.