Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

oooooo Hilde what a brilliant feeling; bottle it and pass it on. Great to hear others doing well as it does inspire others like me, currently in the doldrums
Good positive stuff for yourself, nice one.

Welcome bizzy lovely wishes, thanks.

trying how's the plan coming? Noted your comment about setting boundaries as opposed to disengaging, and wanted to hear more. What advice do you have if you want to stay in the relationship -how does one make such a bizarre relationship work-- ? You talked about setting 'limits'?

take care all

oooooo Hilde what a brilliant feeling; bottle it and pass it on. Great to hear others doing well as it does inspire others like me, currently in the doldrums
Good positive stuff for yourself, nice one.

Welcome bizzy lovely wishes, thanks.

trying how's the plan coming? Noted your comment about setting boundaries as opposed to disengaging, and wanted to hear more. What advice do you have if you want to stay in the relationship how does one make such a bizarre relationship work ? You talked about setting 'limits'?

take care all

Hello to all, old and new. I've been deliberately staying away over the weekend - felt I needed to have a rest from the computer.

hilde, I scanned you post and read it as 'ladyarse' - which I like much more. It's your ladyarse, and you can do WW if you like! I have come to a similar conclusion - I am deluding myself that my size 14 jeans actually fit me, and I am creeping up towards the 16s again. I saw it in my face last night, there is much more roundness. Now, it may be that being of a more voluptuous, Rubenesque shape comes naturally to me (for me it's less about the ladyarse, it's the ladybumps, which have never gone below a GG size, even when I was a 12), but being short in stature, a small amount of weight can go a long way. Hmmm. I can either accept that is how it is for now, or I can get myself sorted. The jury (which is sitting in an open-and-half-eating tub of Celebrations) is currently out. Which I think is an answer in itself...

Onwards and upwards for Monday, to all.

Staying in an abusive relationship actually means accepting that the relationship does not work and that you are going to exist (either for now, or longer) in a non-functioning relationship.

To survive you will have to look after yourself, place your boundaries, arrange your own succour, deal with your own feelings/needs and accept that anything that comes from your partner may make things worse or better for you but that you are the only one who is going to be responsible for you.

things that make this easier to do are 1) if your partner is away a lot with work or hobbies, 2) you have sufficient money and time to allow yourself to self care (all the extra time/resources/counselling that you may need to enable your choice), 3) you can see a payoff that is reasonable in your eyes (money/time/good times) 4) you have no children to protect from the effects of the relationship.

bloody hell, reading these links, I realise why I still feel so angry after all these years - I let ALL of my previous partners (before my lovely husbo) emotional abuse me. Or more accurately, they did and I slowly adjusted until it was normal.

Hi guys,

Sorry for absence. Tbh so much going on I'm not sure how I'm functioning at all. Have been reading posts when I can and will try to respond but just need to offload for a min before I go to pick up ds1.
Basically I have dr appointment tomorrow to investigate back and leg numbness and tingling and ongoing cough. Joy.
Ds2 running a fever today.
Yesterday my mum fell on her way from mine to the bus. A stranger called me and I could not get hold of dh to watch kids, had to wait for mil and them dh so I could go to hospital. They thought she had fractured her hip which would have been unbelievably bad for her as she has fractured verterbrae already.
I must admit I did cry and raise my voice to ds1 as I was tearing around trying to get ds2 sorted to go to a and e. I feel terrible about that.
Dh took me to the hospital but on the way he was whittle ring away about my older dobro and how much he takes from my mum, true but not the time. Then I suggested we have her in our house which he was against and said we would have to throw away your stuff to make room, I'll go home and do that now shall I? Basically trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty as I want to store my stuff not jettison and again not the time.
My mum was in terrible state, covered in vomit etc and dh barely spoke to her. He is rubbish with illness.
I got mil over to help and stayed at hospital but had to drive home three times as poor ds2 not well and bf. but when dh called I said I have a good parking space and have to come back can you collect me he was complaining about burning his dinner!emotionally he offered next to no support even though I wa in floods with worry and so so tired having done day of occupying ds1 as well. When I finally got home and thankfully discovered bruise not fracture he seemed almost irritat that I had spen all that time there. He accused me of not being positive to start with.

It thought with all I'd been through he could try and be kind to me but he's sniping away this morning again.
I look at our wedding photos and think where did the man go.
I wonder whee I will draw the line.
I expect. Will tolerate all forms of abuse but physical. Although we have shoved each other in the past.
Better go, will check in later.

Ginga, so sorry to hear about all that, and about your mum's fall, that must have been so scary for you. It's so hard for you to deal with all that with no support from him (in fact, him making worse). I think you focusing on you shouting a wee bit at DS1 is completely understandable under the circumstances, we've all done it, do not in any way think that makes you comparable with him and his FWery. Your whole post just reeks of him being a petulant little selfish boy who is throwing his toys out the pram because the focus is not on him, or because your focus is on something else rather than where he thinks it should be, ie him.

Your line will come, I promise. By being on here you are realising and waking up to his awful treatment on you. It's not always a quick process because life gets in the way, but you are getting there. Hugs to you, hope your mum is doing better now.

blimey Ginga you take care, so much to handle, just too much stress all round, time to have some time off don't ya think? have a break and step back. thank goodness your mum is only bruised but very shaken Act quick with your back, push for some prompt help with babies to care for (plus abusive dh)! You will only endure more pain, which can be hugely debilitating physically, but emotionally so much too. Send you heaps of strength and hopes that you will rest after this.

thank you fool I am thinking long and hard about previous lifelong EA, and notice Brodicea's point of saying I let [others abuse before current dh]. I'm in a place of not even speaking to men (on that level) because I just can't go there anymore, as it IS ME that's 'allowing' this to happen. Anyone in any relationship at any time can assert themselves and face the consequences of, what, rejection, being hated, not liked, told their in the wrong, AND BELIEVING IT. If you are in a place of not believing yourself, who else EVER will? Where does one begin to come back from that place rather than putting your own foot in the TRAP yet again

Such a low here, I take on board the points you listed some pages/thread back, about already being in a place of normalised to abuse. I have been waking to that, and certainly see some new boundaries now that I didn't before but its just not enough to build a relationship on. I base this on one of your points about DC challenging with old EA witnessed behaviour and that taking me down to 'that' place again.

good luck with the ladyarses girls!

hey Shriek

we are all works in progress. Remember if you had found a normal loving man your "weaknesses" (ie being giving, loving, putting others first, accommodating, etc.) would have been strengths and would have been met with love and kindness in return.

We may let these man abuse us...but we are NOT responsible for their behaviour, only for our own.

her hissyness (who has moved on to bigger and better things now) would have told you that NOW is the time to invest in yourself, to divest yourself of all relationships that are not positive and to embrace those that build you up. NOW is the time to do the courses, counselling, make the leap of faith that allows you to be the whole woman that you are and to MAKE your life the life that you want.

she's been there, done that and has turned the T shirt into dusters now...we'll get there too!

aw... floored.

You OK Shriek? This stuff comes and goes as we notice and process it in a different way than we used to. BTW I keep reading your name as 'Shrek'!

I think with realisations comes lots of sadness reflecting on my part in allowing, etc., I think reality check type stuff.

Is mourning the right word, that's a bit how it feels.

Sometimes the kindnesses and supports/help shown here overwhelm.

BTW my name: I thought Shrek first then Shriek.

Hi Shriek so very sorry to hear you're feeling like that. In answer to your question about creating the boundaries to stay put in an ea relationship - I think Fool has given a far better answer than I ever could.

For me, I survived so long in a shit relationship filled with ea because I normalised it. I also slowly detached but could only manage to do that when I'd mentally called time on the relationship even though I didn't manage to convey that to fw. I had The Talk two or three times but it all slipped under the bridge somehow. I requested separated house to make two flats but that was scoffed and subsequently ignored. I moved first into box room, then into dd's room onto tiny bed, then into study sofa bed downstairs but felt too far away from my kids. Then lodger left and I slid quietly into her former room and have been there ever since. I keep to my space in the evening and he keeps to his. It's effing miserable. I have sustained it for a long time but I think once I'm out I will realise how sad and damaging it is. So I guess I don't really know how to put the boundaries in place or I would have left relationship a long time ago because fw doesn't put up with any true assertiveness from me. It's only now that I have become a separate person not his other half that he acknowledges my space and rights to some extent, but meanwhile he treats me with even more contempt, disgust and verbal and emotional abuse because I don't want him anymore and therefore I must be mad, bad and dangerous to know . Coz it's never ever them, is it now

Shriek I absolutely agree that with realisation comes grief. I experience the same now sporadically and no doubt will be overwhelmed by it at times once my focus on escape has passed and I am out and facing the bleak reality of a huge crash in my life. I really hope relief and joy will also form a part of my feelings then.

But because we've masked our feelings and natural reactions for so long to accommodate giant levels of fwittery, perhaps it's ok that we have to go through a natural grieving process, it means we are finally stretching our wings and reacting normally IYSWIM. Hopefully that road eventually will lead to personal contentment and balance (well I blooming well hope so, anyway )

This is me checking in. ginga so sorry to hear about your mum, hope she's ok.

Had my hair cut on saturday for a family party by the daughter of my only friend who knows about my situation. She's my age but our lives couldn't be more different, I listen with envy to her stories. She asked me if I was still with NSDH, I said yes, she said "Why? Are you a mug or something?"

NSDH got himself very drunk at my family party, started slagging off the music choices, and then threw up in my mum's new car on the way home in front of me, my sisters and my mum. Then he marched off into the night so mum had to go and find him, he then got shirty with my nan for trying to give him some toast to help sober him up. He apologised later but said it was my fault as I'd sat in the front on the way home and being in the back made him carsick.

He's also started waking me up early deliberately again. DD not sleeping well, so if she wakes as he gets up for work he gets her up then brings her in to me as he leaves. This means I'm getting up earlier, DD is very cranky as she isn't getting enough sleep either.

It's crap all round.

Oh yes...definitely grieving...it a horrible but necessary process I think. It's meant to be 'healthy' to go through a grieving process to deal with loss... people are supposed to grieve when they lose something they love.

Because we did love them once didn't we?

Yes, and we loved the idea of what we were building, and the illusion that we could be the happy family, and the fact that we were prepared to put the work in to make it work.

all good and necessary to grieve over...and allow ourselves time to grieve over, and to comfort ourselves and to get angry over. And to move on and to grow and develop and to make new and better lives.

Bertie I had ever thought about it being grieving before, and I have struggled with some of the emotions of feeling sad when I wished I could be angry, but couldn't.

Grieving explains it perfectly, I am sad for what I have lost, my dreams for a happy family life, my hope for another child, all gone.

Makes me feel better about getting upset still.

My FW is suddenly on best behaviour again, been polite and helpful tonight, even cooked

I give it 48 hours max.

yes I think we did normalise it trying that is a hell that I remember well trying to live separately in the same space, and it was fantastic (but scary) to be free.

I query loved tho I don't think it was possible to love, I tried but isn't love something that you bathe in together (I shudder to even use those words for us as what fool says is what really brings up the sadness and grieving for the realisation of what it actually was, 'trying', weaving an illusion of happiness around us and our precious family. Oh dear .

My fw is also being nice today. He was even fun to be with for a few moments. He's in a good mood - that helps. I don't know how long it will last, but it doesn't matter because he's leaving for a long work trip in 8 hours. (But who's counting? )

Ha, you know what, though? The point where I was happy in his company was when he conceded "defeat" in a conversation - banter more than argument and theologically-based, so he's usually happy to defer to me there. His comment was something along the lines of "you always win arguments." It was very pleasantly said and it was only later that I wondered if there were mindgames going on. Like yesterday when he asked how it had gone leading prayers at church while he was away (my first time doing it) and then said to dd1, "That's probably something that doesn't come easy to Mummy." It seemed like an understanding thing to say - but, on reflection, I wondered if it were an attempt to dampen the flames of a little achievement of mine.

I don't know if this is really what's happening or if I've just become super-suspicious...

it wasn't love; it was deeply flawed and mostly hate/games/put downs/disrespect/some more hate/blank nothingness - lots of that too

hoping for 'wing stretching' flying and end to masking

Nini that sounds awful, how horrible for you and your family to have to mop up his over indulgence on every level. It always has to be a drama round my fw too, either that or he completely switches off, doesn't talk to other guests and leaves asap.

It puts it into sad context that one of the best nights I've had in recent years (apart from nights with mates) was when fw got so shit faced at his friend's that we ended up having to leave him there as he was too pukey to sit in car for hour's ride home. Walking in that front door without him, being in a fw-free home - aaahhhhhh! Coz he's never ever away or out. How sad is that Looking back, all my good times have been without him. That says enough I guess to tell me that I must follow through with this. Trouble is, he's being reasonable and pleasant - hang on, all the fws are at the mo - is it some phase of the moon - are they in fact.... werewolves

I am feeling very sad about leaving my much loved home. But I remind myself that it's temporary, that we'll be back.

Thank you, shriek, and for you