hey Maggie lots of stuff swirling around, past, present and future. You are the one that has to pull through this tho, so you know where you will be most comfortable and happiest. If thats away from everyone starting anew, or in home town near support systems but far enough away from old family/patterns,, only you will know, but these are definitely your decisions for your happiness (as in noone else has a priority over this - if you are happy so will your dc, time to be selfish for you - and if you change your mind you can move again, but important for you to decide) Glad you found the new thread - yes, I panicked a bit without it!
Trying excellent news for your move, yay! Also Trying , Bertie & Charlotte was thinking back to how I broke the news to my DC; having thought that through would probably go for a very simple approach with the less said the better in many ways, but simply allowing them to ask their own questions. I think one of the most difficult things to do is to imagine we know what they need in these circs. If you give very basic information you will find out which bit is priority for them to know by the questions they ask. If you FW is away a lot anyway that lends itself to a 'he's not coming back here, but you will still see him as much/little as you want' if 'why' is the question, go for the baseline again (eg. we fight which makes us unhappy). As long as they feel they can ask, give them the control to find out what they want to know, and it may come some days later, so suggest that too, that they continue to ask when they think of anything else, or suggest a time in a few days to talk it over again (this will vary of course according to age). They need to trust you are being honest with them, which is hard, as they have to trust you at this time of insecurity no matter how difficult the truth is andyou protect them with the truth. I spent a long time shielding it all, but no more as that pretends it isn't what it is!?!? IYSWIM Ifyou wanted to go that route, then say that. Try not to blame though.
We cannot get cross at them (FW) for saying 'mummy this, mummy shouldn't do that, mummy's not nice, etc.' this is about us saying what 'we' don't want/like. I don't like this relationship I find it unhealthy, painful, I do not feel loved, feel understood, I am scared, am unhappy, etc. and its important to feel happy, safe and not scared, etc. they may feel those things too and be able to identify with your feelings around him.
Sadly this they (whether we help them too or not), will have to work out for themselves, but by speaking of our own feelings/actions (rather than his) they will feel more free to do the same, because they have a bond with their fathers (to different degrees) and need the opportunity to understand that bond/relationship, which isn't ours, only theirs. They will not thank us for speaking badly of 'their' father as it will mess with their head. They will know we don't like/hate, whatever. but it will no longer be our relationship, but theirs that matters (providing we give protection for that - which includes openess around behaviours and treatments that the child can choose to be around or not - until you think its harming).
Bertie such a triumph over adversity, what a tragic & inspirational tale.
NO SIMPLE ANSWER! (I guess is the answer) what you say tho, keep it simple for your situation, and always open for questions with respect for their relationship with their dad (as yours is over), and monitor always that the relationship is safe and healthy, putting in boundaries and talking about heathly/not healthy.
tigris hoping you are managing ok? Keep shoutin out here if you need support for anything. hope you managed to find some agencies for practical and emo support/help.
loved welcome to the gang, lots here for you, but sorry you're in this boat too. relationships can be the most lonely of places.
Same to Jane, a painful realisation. Keep talking to your boy, as thats for you to decide not Daddy, cuddles will never 'disturb' you(anytime of day or night!) Some daddies get a bit 'gay phobic' from what i've heard and want their boys to 'man up' (very sadly I've heard it of some mums too), either that or just plain jealous, so lovely to hear that you have such a close/warm relationship with your boy, he will feel comfortable to have this warmth and closeness in his future relationships - some lucky lady in the future! ;)
and I couldn't agree more charlotte the greater the 'contrast' between the two settings, the more obvious to 'see'. Only takes one to 'show the way' to fairness, love, kindness. Unfortunately when kids growing up they tend to choose the way of the most powerful, but once away from the home at least the power struggle isn't [so] visible, and mum can take the opportunity to make home a place of peace security fairness and love. If he does that too, then they will enjoy their time there, if not, his lookout (his relationship to take responsibility for).
apologies for missing anyone! but thinking of all and hoping everyone made it across to this thread?!
Is it possible to post a link from the end of the last one to this one? [MNHQ] - just to be sure.