Charlotte, I contacted the girls' mum after the last assault incident a couple of months ago. She said at that time she'd never stop me seeing the girls.
However, things did not go well this evening. When I arrived, I was obviously not being allowed into the house (as I usually would be), and DS2 was collected from me at the front doorstep. So I just left it, said 'see you in a couple of hours' and went off. When I came back, similar happened - both boys were already had jackets on, waiting for me, and I didn't get further than the doorstep. In fact, at one point, after I asked DS1 to go and find his snowboots to bring back with him, NSDH went to help him look and closed the door in my face (and it happened again, so was no accident). When the boys were in the car, I asked him about this thing with the girls - was it just this weekend, or was it an ongoing thing. He seemed utterly puzzled that I was asking (grrr), said he'd already laid it all out in his emails so I obviously wasn't listening (errrrm, no he didn't). He said if I asked a direct question he'd happily answer it!!!! (Had I not just done that????) Turns out, apparently, that he made it clear no he didn't that there would be no more contact with the girls 'for their sake', because things were pretty much over and I'd be tailing off the contact with them anyway and he wanted to protect them from me doing that. I'm paraphrasing,but that's the essence of what he said.
There was much back and forwards - apparently, all his emails of the last week or so were an invitation for me to fight to see the girls, but because I didn't make any mention of them he took it that I didn't want to. Apparently, it's all my fault because I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't communicate, all I had to do was show an interest in us working on things. Apparently, the fact that I don't see enough change in him is completely at odds with what 'everybody else' thinks. I pointed out to him that 'everybody else' didn't have to deal with him at home, with his temper and abuse, but that wasn't the point. Apparently.
When I was going, he said 'So, is that it?' I said 'I think so'. (a minute later he came and opened the car and demanded that I say yes or no, because he wasn't letting me 'mess him about' any more - I genuinely can't say yes, my heart still wants to be with him but I know it's not possible.).
So, as of tonight ladies, I think I am officially single and looking for a divorce. My head is calmer than I thought it would be, but am expecting it to go bat-shit crazy at some point soon. Am currently sitting in bed eating pizza and drinking wine. I have texted the girls to ask about their weeks (as I usually do), but no idea what to do now. Do I contact their mum? (NSDH said he'd spoken to her too about our situation, so I don't know if she's now changed her mind about what she said before) Do I tell the girls that their dad has decided I can't do anything with them, so they know it's not me not being bothered? I don't want to go behind his back tho.
And so it all begins. When I was going up earlier, I got a knot in my stomach, it reminded me of the ones I used to get when I was about to do a handover with DS1's dad after we first split. I developed IBS throughout that period (another stress illness!). That was an awful, awful time. This is going to be worse.