Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I'm not like that in any other area though. Yesterday I took major issue with my HoD's lesson observation of me and made her change my grade, told her she had caused a stress-related migraine and that I could do without her causing me any more stress.
Yet I've lived like this for years, worrying whether leaving the heating on in winter would be what he wanted or make him kick off. Don't understand myself really.

Oh no, I know exactly what you mean. When I worked in an office (am now self-employed), people used to talk about me being organised and responsible and capable, and part me would snigger, thinking 'if my friends, who know what a fuck-up I am, could hear this...'. I think it's perfectly possible to be assertive in one situation and not another, being with your FW brings out a different side to you. I've always been fiercely independent and very much doing my own thing - DS1 has my surname, because that's what I wanted since I argued that if we married I would keep my own name anyway, and his dad (eventually) agreed. With NSDH, I mentioned not taking his name, and he flew off the handle, and I caved and agreed immediately, because I was scared of him and couldn't assert myself.

...He's replied:

I'll have think and let you at weekend.[sic]

I don't know what bit he means he'll think about, but I guess that's the intention, keep me guessing. (Anyone else think he's had a few?)

Sigh.

Anyway, night all. for your help with the email. It really did make the difference, I feel confident that I wasn't being 'waffy'!

Leclerc - horseriding? Is he throwing money at them/trying to be a disney dad except disney dads probably don't punch walls?
I'm glad DD prefers being with you to horseriding, she's a sensible girl (and this comes from someone who loves horses!). It's great that she can speak her mind with you, that's so important. Hope you (and DS2) have a peaceful night too.

Just had a quick ommmmmm in the meditation room, silver, thanks!

Sorry everyone's so poorly I hope all the mums and dcs feel better soon xxxx

Bless, because my dm has been here helping me, I have been watching telly with her and not mning so I'm sorry I am a bit out of synch. Up till today I felt my escape plan was just not possible due to feeling so weak and ill and hopeless. But I am slowly regaining strength. Anyway, I'll catch up properly with you all tomorrow as I'm off to bed but just wanted to .

Peace and strength (and hot toddies) to all. xxx

I think its a common thing LeClerc the disney dad syndrome for at least a while and the drinking and expecting kids to perform to highest standards whilst FW behaves like a FW Being addicted to horses, what a tough call, can't she still do the riding maybe, but then come home as he was happy to pay for it not blackmail her over - loook how much fun it is with me, more fun than mums if you don't come here you'll miss the riding/pockey money/... and on and on

Trying so good to hear you are feeling your returning strength, take care and recover fully.

Pony agreed... probably a few snifters at least! but ignore it is what i'd TRY to do stick to your guns lady excellent about how FW 'stuck' with their issues whereas we can change and move on [Festive Like]

Yep Matchstick same here, independent, own ideas and opinions (!?), but one that kowtow'd to FW over the surname thing, I look back and realise he didnt care what my name was just so long as DC had his name. Once separated I changed the surname anyway. You're not scared of the others, and they don't say awful things about you and pick at your vulnerabilities turning them into targets for inflicting pain.

to all poorly ladies and littlies for cheering and speedy recoveries.

Do you think there's maybe an element of telling him what he wants to hear? I know my DD is much younger, but she told ex her bedroom was cold at night (she's so hot she strips pjs off). Your DD is clearly very emotionally intelligent, enough to realise he doesn't want to hear she's perfectly happy without him at yours?

Tell him you are accessing support for her (in other words f off to the far side of F and f off some more) and that it is confidential.

relate would be rubbish for this

have you shown her the WA websites? there is the hideout for young people and also childline 08001111.

she (and maybe DD2) need validation for their experiences and feelings. At first you knew you had to separate from him and you realised that his relationship with you was abusive, you hoped he would come through as a father...sadly his behaviour is the same to your DDs, you may have to follow-through...and be braver still ,for their sakes.

Phone young minds 0808 802 5544 get all the support that you can, ALL of it.

She said yesterday that home is the only place she feels herself. Do I gently ask her about this so I can either ignore it or do I worry that she's also under pressure here that she's not telling me about

believe her and talk, your H is a selfish, narcissistic abuser. he will see her as a possession just as he saw/sees you. Protect her...even if "all" she reveals is that she has realised her dad is not a nice person....that's bad enough for a child.

please don't facilitate her time with him at all, do give her permission to refuse. otherwise we teach our daughters/sons that their father's feelings are more important than their own feelings...and that's where we started out wrong in our own relationships.

Fool speaks true as always, Leclerc.

Agree that Relate would be rubbish for this. Don't listen to a word he says. 'I've been worrying about her for some time' indeed, if he was so worried he'd have said something. It's all bollocks.

Leclerc, I agree with fool (of course! How could one not?)

Talk to her, but bear in mind that FW might be manipulating this situation as he has others - my first thought on reading his email was 'yeah, right': I am as worried as you are about DD1 and have been for some time, she has told me about the pressure she feels at home as well - to me, this sounds like him turning it back onto you being the problem rather than him. I'm sure DD1 has been worried about you, but I doubt very much that she will have expressed that to her dad without it being winkle-picked out of her. He's taking her worry and turning it into you pressuring her. No, dear FW, that's what you are doing!
And this constant klaxon call of 'I will pay' from him. It's just a show, a gesture, so he can feel he is being seen to be the caring father. It's meaningless.

Haha, cross-post Nini, but saying the same!

How are you today?

Haha at cross-post, but yours is better worded than mine Curtis How are you?

Quiet on the western front here, thankfully. Although we had a mini-row last night as we went to bed. Night before last, our Dcat was snuffly and feeling sorry for herself so I let her sleep on the bed. She woke us up at 4am looking for cuddles, I lay there stroking her, she went to him and he did his usual thing of throwing himself violently onto one side as it sends her flying away from him. I told him off. He's horrible to her.

So last night he kept saying how he didn't throw her off and he 'swears' he was just turning over. I said to him - 'who do you think I'm going to believe, you 'swearing' you didn't, or my own eyes?' . Cue lots of grumbling, tutting and going to sleep in silence. Honestly!

Sounds like you had a great conversation with your DD Leclerc, what a great Mum you are and what a lovely girl. I hope my DD grows up to be as strong and intelligent as she obviously is!

You both sound very focused and strong.

leclerk you are marvellous

Aw Leclerc, what a great mum you are! Wish you were mine! even though it's biologically impossible since I'm older than you but hey-ho

Nini, my post isn't better worded, it's just longer! Succinctness eludes me again...
NSDH would do similar, throwing himself around the bed to turn over just as I was falling asleep, to deliberately wake me. They think we are stoooopid and can't see exactly what they are doing. They think they are so clever that we can't possibly know that their actions are calculated and deliberate. But we can.

I am ok, thanks. Had a reply from NSDH - basically saying no to my suggestion of alternating weekend days, and then saying something I just don't understand: Prob best to chill with anything else given the long term situation.
Eh? No idea what that means. And no idea whether I should just leave the weekend arrangements as they are for now or whether I should go in hardball and demand that they are alternate weeks. Oh, this is just going to keep getting worse!!!!!

Sounds like he's worded that deliberately to leave you on tenderhooks, Curtis. I know that doesn't help much, sorry.

Oh, the whole thing is deliberately intended to get at me, Nini. The fact that he texted his reply to me rather than emailing it (I emailed him). The fact that he says in his text that I can't see the girls Saturday (but doesn't say whether I can see them Sunday or not, so now I'll have to email him again to ask this. The fact that he casually dismisses my alternate weekends suggestion.

But, but, but. I have just had a totally lovely thing come through my letterbox from my ex-FIL (DS1's granddad). DS1's Nanny very sadly died in March. I was devastated - I'd known her for 16 years and for a lot of that I'd been extremely close to her. My ex's family was like better than my own - his sister was my best friend, and his mum was like a mum to me, and all his many, many (Irish family) aunts, uncles and cousins treated me like family too. I went down for the funeral (despite NSDH creating merry hell about it, saying it was inappropriate, yadda yadda), and it was like going home, to be there again and see everyone again.
Anyway (succinctness, pony, remember?), ex's sister told me recently that her dad wanted to send me something for Christmas - her mum had always done, even after I wasn't with ex any more, so I guessed he still wanted to do that in memory of her.
I have just received a cheque for £500! And the card says 'from Granddad', and it's written to DS2 as well as DS1 (who he's never even met). That almost made me cry, never mind the cheque!!!
Ex's sis has put a note in it saying that her dad has said he wants me to use the money however I want, whether it's to save or to buy something with it. I already know what I'll do with it. I'm going to use it to take my boys to see him next year and spend some proper time in my old 'home' town.
Feel very happy and very sad all at once.