Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

just feeling the warm sunlight shining hotly and brighly throu the window to the sky as I do my ohmmmmm from the warm bedoom where I can just see the top of the sycamore tree in the bright snow covered field... oooo, wonderful silver

Meanwhile back at the ranch, police told me to get copies of my texts and emails to them. wow, thats a tall order how do I do that! and to tell him how contact will be organised, so, with some help from police (and others) sent one.

Police suggest I write out all texts in their original format (date/time/from to/message) and email them all in. If it goes to court they can pay for the messages to be taken off the sim card apparently (and to just forward emails straight over). So was trawling through some in pursuit of duty this morning, awful to remember, and I noticed how very clear I was about what was wrong, and he admitted it, the drinking, the abuse, and crazy behaviour, here's a few that I'd sent to him, during the I'm so sorry, I can't remember what I've said, promised to never drink indoors again, promised to make a time to 'discuss' disagreements in future... just words.. I look back he just did it last week, and still blames that on me when I wasn't even saying anything, just that he should go home:

No.. Not with u coming into this house white as a sheet drunk with shit to off-load again.. Keep going, u doing really well at upsetting me even more.. Sundays nites performance.. how disappointing, the longer us stay out the better .. take yr shit somewhere else if u drinking

No please go out.. u don?t get it at all do u!!!???? Jus go I don?t want u around while things are this awful

You sent the following to me.. And I believed u: No drinking at home. What happened wouldn?t have happened [altho it did of course] if I wasn?t gased up like that [ran down the road screaming waving arms in the air], and I feel ashamed but lucky that I at least recognise the problem and have the opportunity to break a habit. Biggest pile of do doo I ever heard!! (sorry just had to point that out!)

It doesn?t matter can do tonight or tomorrow. . But I can?t live like this any more..you?re not prepared to stand by what u have promised and that is all I had to hang onto after yr last lot of abuse.. wots changed? Its all very well u ignoring that this is yr way of expressing yrself.. but I can?t trust you to not do this evry time u feel frustrated.. whether its yr shit and nothing to do me or something about me that bugge d u...U were so appalling to me in france and the things you said and accused me of were ridiculous.

So, Charlotte, I didn't know if these kinds of things are the kind of things you need to 'document'? I've put the things I said here, rather than his texts. I quite admire the clarity that I showed at the time, however, I also sent this to a friend during this particular excahnge:

We arguing by text and I seem to be terrified.. I shaking an evythin... seems mad to me.. jus desperate not to be here as I can?t take the stress...

Bertie stress is a killer... oooo .. just off to the velux again.. ohmmmmm.

Charlotte yes, the fighting over money is exhausting. It never used to be like this. We've always had our money separate, sure, but never kept too close an eye on who paid for what as we both chipped in. This changed when I was pregnant - without realising it I was paying for everything (esp baby stuff) while he started squirreling his money away. It was nearly a year before I noticed, more fool me. Now I have to keep a very close eye on my finances, as aside from being in debt thanks to him, if I don't, he screws me over for whatever he can get. Petrol yesterday being a prime example!

Trying, you are absolutely right when you say that you saw a wasted alternate view of your life, that's exactly how it feels. Just this shit spreading into eternity. And thank you for your kind offer of a chat, I will keep posting here so as not to burden you since you've been poorly.

The FW illness thing is very interesting - my NSDH is of the sort who refuses to take paracetomol for a headache and would rather complain all day about it and except oodles of sympathy. But he does have very high blood pressure he does nothing about (he's 30). But that's his own fault as he can't handle any kind of stress, even normal everyday problems he can't deal with.

Go Bertie, stay strong. You sound very focused which is great.

Forsale hope you're doing ok. Ring WA when you feel able.

Leclerc your poor little DD. . Maybe she does need a break. Not sure what the answer is there. Maybe she could use some professional support as well if she feels unable to talk to her friends? Would that be possible?

Shriek Hope you're ok too. Little steps, one at a time.

You're not failing her at all Leclerc, HE is the one failing her. Asking her if she wants to speak to the Dr to see if she can get any support that way might be a good idea (making it clear that there isn't anything wrong with HER, of course).

R.e. the petrol, I don't use the car much so only tend to put in a bit when needed (£15 is my limit as long as we're not doing a long journey). He only uses the car for long journeys. I think you're right, from now on I will lower my 'limit' to £10, enough to see me round town when I need it. I should be savvier with these things, but its so exhausting.

Hear hear Nini, you are in no way failing the DCs Leclerc. You are doing all you can for them and more, you are being so strong for them (when you are still hurting so much yourself). I think the plan to give her a weekend off is a good one. I'm so sad that she feels she has to put herself between FW and the littler kids, that's just so not on, and neither is him still getting so wound up that's he's hitting walls . You must be so proud of her all the same, she sounds like a fabulous, loving and caring girl.

As well as the doctor, are there any other charities to help young people that she/you could approach? Anything through school?

Forsale, good luck with the call to WA. You're doing great.

And now, another email-checking favour to ask. Doing my email to NSDH about the arrangements, trying to keep it as brief and to-the-point as possible without being totally cold and offhand (because he'll get the hump about that). The one thing I am worried about is that he's going to start agitating again to get DS2 overnight, but if he does that it definitely needs to go through a solicitor.

--
Due to recent confusions as to what's happening with DS2, DS1 and the girls, I thought it would be a good idea to confirm the ongoing arrangements.

Both boys come to you on Wednesday evening for dinner. Next Wednesday, DS1 has his school nativity play, and has to be at the school for 6.30pm. I'm not sure yet what I'll need to do, ie pick up both boys at about 6.20pm, or take DS1 down at that time and then come back for DS2, I'll confirm this with you.

This weekend, the boys are coming to you on Sunday. DS1 has requested that he come up a bit later in the morning, between 11am and 12pm. I will bring him up.

I'd like to suggest that as an ongoing arrangement we alternate between the weekend days - ie this weekend you have them Sunday, next weekend Saturday (I'll bring DS1 up after football). This is so that both boys still have the opportunity to sometimes be involved in the Sunday family dinner, which I think is important for them.

If it fits in around any plans that you or the girls may have for this weekend, I'd like to do something with the girls, maybe go into town or cinema on Saturday or take them for brunch on the Sunday (maybe when I drop DS1 off), or perhaps they have something else they'd like to do. Please let me know if any of these will be possible.

Thanks

ponygirl

--

Is it too waffy? (That's an official term for 'nice and a bit all over the place'.) I haven't heard from him at all since all the shenanigans on Saturday. In my head, he's holed up in a bunker, planning my downfall. But in reality, he probably thinks this can all still be sorted and we can move forward. I honestly don't know how to handle things. With a normal person I'd sit down and have a conversation, although it would be hard it would still be possible. With him, I don't want to do anything like that so I'm deliberately shying away from anything that would require confrontation. I feel weak. You can't just email someone and say 'I want a divorce', can you? But I'm too scared to be strong. I've been through this (or most of it) before, with DS1's dad. Up until I married NSDH, it was the worst time of my life. Even with an ordinary non-abusive eejit, it's hard, hard going and takes its toll. I'm just dreading it with him.

Your daughter LeClerc has let it out, which is sooo good. She leant on the people that are there for her, and its in her interests to have a break from the pressure so brilliant that she will be away this weekend, she'd probably benefit from a quiet weekend at home with her lovely mum too. He doesn't have to know whats been happening, just that she's going to spend a couple of weekend at home as needs a break 'from everything' (or whatever you choose to put it down to).

The dads that fail their kids are the ones with the issues, the mums are picking up the pieces and holding them together. I was told its about letting the children see their parents for who they really are and not 'protecting' or hiding the reality from them and they will make their own minds up about where they want to be and how often. If you were to ask would her answer to stay at home for a while, as thats what shold really happen then. Our job to support their decisions. Very hard one . The price can be high sadly, and research supports now a case for keeping them away from abusive fathers rather than maintaining contact (not sure the court does tho?).

I think your mail pony lends itself to presenting an 'agenda' (as in, here's a list of whats coming up and who's going to be where/when in the run up to xmas and for a new alternating w/end days arrangement). Would be less wordy and less 'asking' maybe, but he can still ask 'why' where he has any query, if you wanted to explain. Are you trying to manage his 'hump'? Good luck with it.

Note to all.. sorry to bore with all my texts, it was a step further in the being brave stakes for me.

Sending you strength Pony for not worrying about what he thinks and detaching from that.

Not sure how your FW would react curtis but I'd be inclined to go along the lines of 'I havn't decided what to do' rather than 'I'm not sure', and 'I would like to' rather than 'If it fits in around your plans'. It just sounds more assertive. My personal counsellor tells me when dealing with men like ours, you need to be assertive (definitely so in my case). Just a though

Sounds like everyone is having a pretty rubbish time of it recently keep strong ladies x

I have another little one to add to our commune sick bay-my lovely little DD has chickenpox, doesn't rain but it pours hey.

Today has been tough so far, FW has been in one of his moods. He got home from work and had to take DS to see his nana etc where they are staying as they can't come near DD and her chickenpox (there is a silver lining!) Anyway because I'd not finished wrapping their xmas pressies he started pacing the floor, watching over my shoulder whilst I wrapped. When I'd finished, he gave me a well done sarcastic tap on my cheek aka a slap around the face and off he went with DS as if nothing had happened. I've logged it in my journal. Hate him. Will just stay out of his way when he gets in. Am still approaching other estate agents so fingers crossed I can find me and DC somewhere soon. I too am an IBS stress sufferer-no surprises there though, think we all have some sort of FW related illness hey?

I feel like julia roberts in that film sleeping with the enemy at the moment. Silver what number bus is it to the commune?!! Mind you I could do with her wig when she escapes on my bad hair days which are quite often recently Hopefully peace for you all tonight....until later ladies x

"You can't just email someone and say 'I want a divorce', can you?"

You don't even need to tell him. The petition can be the first he hears about it, if you want.

Oh dear, what a poorly lot. Hope it means everyone is better for Christmas.

go girl... thats the way LeClerc! no regrets. Stress + no sleep = low mood. You're tired hun, but you can rely on your kids to rely on you, not him and thats an important thing to know. Heaps of sleep dust for you and your family tonight, I doing liberal sprinklings for us here too, and throwing it around for everyone as tonight everyone seems to need.

Oh take care Maggie hope peace for you too tonight.

LeClerc Young minds have been fantastic with me and my DC.

They have family therapists and experienced advisers who can talk you through what's going on and no waiting lists.

www.youngminds.org.uk/

something for you and DD whilst you wait (they also communicate with social services if necessary)

PS I really think if your DD is "being you" when with her DF you should talk to her about ceasing contact for a while.

It was not acceptable for him to put his fist into a wall with you and it certainly isn't acceptable in front of DD (threatening behaviour). It is not acceptable for him to "only just be holding it together" in front of her...he's making her responsible for his feelings, nor is "losing it".

He isn't even able to be SUPER DAD as you put it...this is FW dad and your DCs don;t deserve it.

legally you have every right to protect any of your DCs from inappropriate/abusive parenting as the RP.

Leclerc your FW sounds very much like mine. One of my stepdaughters has decided she no longer wants to see him at Christmas due to his past behaviour and overreactions to little things. He cannot see he only has himself to blame.
Maggie hope you manage to get out soon, that sounds scary.
I haven't posted for a while, but it is about to get worse for me. My solicitor pointed out ex's offer to me equates to a 90/10 split in his favour and says no judge would approve that. So the petition will be out next week with a letter advising him to basically have a rethink.
So then he will be back to Mr Angry, accusing me of being a money-grabber, listening to the solicitor trying to make money out of this by dragging it out.
I have spent so long trying to keep him happy that I feel utter dread knowing that this is going to set him off again. But he would end up with a house wort 250k with 140k equity in it, 2 pensions with lump sums of 30k at 65. I was going to get 13k with his offer and have to set myself up in a home with the dc with that. As we have a 21 year age gap he has played the card of me having longer to work and implied since he had all that before we married that I don't deserve any more than he's offering.

but I would think any good sol would blow him out of the water...

Yeah mine says he can't have given his solicitor the proposed figures as they would point out that it wouldn't fly with a judge.

I am back, I phoned WA. V proud of myself.

They weren't much help to be honest, most of what they told me was freely available info on the web. I was all in a rush to get it out - "right so, he is an EA alco fuckwit, can you confirm this is something I can take legal action for, what do I do now" and she was all soft voiced and kind but I think expecting someone who was going to wail and sob.. I gave her a few examples of recent behaviour and she told me what legal recourse I have and what services they can provide etc. Also gave me info about refuges and their legal advisory/ counselling services. I actually got the feeling that the woman I spoke to was a trainee, she had to refer to someone else on a couple of my questions and English was not her first language so it was a little hard to understand her as she was so softly voiced (must be item 1 on the training manual ).

She was somewhat vague about the option of going to the police and having him removed as she said its often difficult to prove the threats and the abuse if its my word against his. Also that the process can take a period of time and that depending on the judge, you may not get the order OK'd. Fuck that. Sounds not worth the hassle. Should probably mention that I don't live in the UK so legal system here is slightly different.

Anyway the point is that I did it. I feel more energised now. Feeling a bit better physically also and DC1 was back at school today. DC2 still pretty poorly, spent most of the day looking for hugs and dozing (and wiping his nose on my shoulder and coughing in my face).

I think its time for a stiff drink to toast my new found courage.

Apologies for ignoring everyone else. Sorry to hear about all the sick babies, and Mummies. And all the exhausting fuckwittery about money or just general shite.

LeClerc, your DD sounds like a very mature, brave girl but you are right that she needs to talk to someone outside the family and vent a little and perhaps learn some coping mechanisms and detachment (easier said than done, as we all know).

Matchsticks, WTF is your ex playing at, its kind of ludicrous isn't it?

Maggie, your FW is a drinker too, yeah? Great, isn't it. Just got a text from mine looking for a bank transfer so he can drink some more because "he is doing important business and has run out of cash". Fucker. He went to the pub at 4pm for a "meeting".

I'll catch up with those that I missed - want that stiff drink now!

Leclerc, the thing that comes to my mind when I read about what your DD is going through - is that she was hurting, she let it out as Shriek said, and she's seen that doing that has helped her, and that you have fully supported her and helped her source more help. That's such a positive message to be giving her. She knows now that she doesn't need to bottle it up, she can come to you, or someone else. I know it's so hard for you to see your DD in emotional pain, but this is good, it'll get her to a better place. I was reading a blog today by someone who's posted on here before (I think their name was Chocoraisins?) and she was suffering so much that her solicitor wrote to her FWH and said she was taking a month's break from contact. Keep that in mind, for DD or for all of them (or for you), it's could help if you find things are getting on top of you.

And as fool said, you are legally entitled to stop contact if you feel it's detrimental, he'd have to apply for contact and it would be up to a judge to decide, based on his behaviour (and the fact that he's in a abusers programme).

Sorry, epic.

Thanks everyone for the comments on my email. It's amazing, how much just removing and adding a couple of words has made it more assertive, thanks! Will send it now...

Matchsticks - time to play hardball. It's not about whether he will go apeshit or not, it's about a fair split. And 90/10 in his favour is not fair!!!!

Leclerc I agree entirely with Pony r.e your DD. It is good that she is able to be open about her feelings with you, some relief for her after putting up with the walking on eggshells around fw?
Pony have you sent the email now?

I know I have to stick up for myself more. It is such a hard pattern to break though, having spent all this time trying to actively avoid him kicking off.

Yes, I've sent it. Now I'm scared to check my emails!!!! Normally if I email him I text him to tell him, but I'm not doing it this time.

Matchsticks, I think we all struggle to stand up for ourselves. Comes with the territory. But it's something that can be worked on (whereas being a FW seems to be something they are stuck being).