Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

oh LeClerc sad for the little chap. Perhaps a little encouraging that his dad didn't shout, it seems like it could be an opportunity to emphasise that he seems to have done right by his DS (for once!) and just to do the same another time til his DS feels ok to say.

I hope the HF&M doesn't go on much longer for both your sakes, terrible to suffer and watch the suffering :( take care. hope you are both able to have some catch up rests today.

Maggie, how awful, all of it!

I had that problem with estate agents too - I would have had to use my parents are guarantors (even then, tricky, because they are both retired). But still, I think their combined income had to be around £17k in order for me to rent somewhere around £600/month. I can just about cover that amount, but it's v tight. Have applied for housing benefit, but after jumping through many frustrating hoops I haven't heard anything yet. The frustrating thing is that the mortgage on our house is less than £400 so I could easily afford it, but even if NSDH moved out and was ok with doing this which he wouldn't be in a million years, obviously the mortgage company wouldn't transfer it to my sole name. I really don't see how they expect people on low incomes to afford places to live at all.

But, if getting your parents to be guarantors isn't an option, have a look on Gumtree, which is where I found my flat, through a private landlord - so none of the huge fees that the agencies charge, plus he let me pay less deposit because he knew I was strapped for cash. I'm sure there are other things in the 'cons' list against going with a private landlord, but it doesn't hurt to look.

Or what about calling WA? They could either advise on your housing options, or maybe they would have a refuge place for you. Scary thought, I know, but better than staying put, for sure.

Sending you hugs, hope your awful and epic afternoon of grandmas and broken-down cars is over soon...

Leclerc, poor wee DS1, and poor you, I would have been in tears if DS1 told me something like this.

I think you should have a chat with FW, even if it's to do as Shriek says, to say you were pleased with how it was handled (but to flag it as an ongoing issue). While it's great that he didn't get worked up, he's got a long way to go to restore DS1's confidence in him. I guess monitor the situation.

The fun never ends, eh?

i need to move out of my house Maggie and rent another away from my locale. Am very happy to rent to mother of 2 on benefits, in fact trying to look into this at the moment. Keep going girl, you're doing so well in the face of all this crap, keep at it and keep your chin up, we're all cheering you on. Keep smiling lovely lady xx

Things are moving quick on the thread so hope I catch everyone.

Forsale Did you ring Women's Aid? That incident sounds really scary, what is it about holidays that bring out the worst in these men? Hope your bronchitis clears up soon and the kids feel better too!

Bertie, sorry to hear you're still poorly. Sending lots of get well soon !

Leclerc Hope your DS is better soon too! DD has HF&M last year and its grim. I think this might be one of those occasions when talking to the FW might be a good idea r.e. the poo incident, but a lot of thought probably needs to go into how to phrase it. So for the little guy.

Maggie Not very experienced with estate agents I'm afraid but they sound shit. Don't let it grind you down, there is somewhere perfect for you out there I'm sure!

As for me...a text row with NSDH earlier. I filled the car up with petrol on Thursday as the red light came on. He took the car to see his folks yesterday. Got in the car with DD this morning and the red light was on AGAIN. FFS. So I sent him an angry text (I know, I know...), which sparked a row. He said he'd spent £50 catching a train to go see my family a few weeks back (his idea not mine), so I called him a tightwad. He had a go at me for sending 'inflammatory' texts, so my response was that if the roles were reversed he would of course be happy for this to have happened to him (sarcasm alert). He then texted back changing the subject, so I've ignored him now. Not even a fucking apology.

It's only a small thing but such a symptom of our relationship. We keep our money separate so it is a big deal. The annoying thing isn't so much that he probably forgot to fill the car up (and this isnt the first time he's done this), it's that he.simply.doesn't.CARE. There are no thoughts on how to make my life easier anywhere. I'm nothing more than a servant.

I rang the Relate counsellor to tell her we wouldn't be coming today or any more (as he has no intention of ever going back). Apparently he'd already rung this morning. See, when it suits him, he'll do something. When it suits me, its the absolute fucking opposite.

Cuppa needed, I think.

Nini, what an eejit!!! NSDH would do that to me - run out of petrol in his car, then take mine (which I'd just filled up), and then never bother refilling it. His excuse was similar - he spent a lot of money on petrol commuting to work, which was my fault because I'd made him move so far from his work, and I'm selfish for doing that. Really, this FW script thing is just getting silly! I guess it's because they all operate from the Isle of I'm-Entitled, so if you start from the same place, of course you are going to do similar things.

My NSDH is also doing what yours is - turning it all back on me, telling me I'm being aggressive, out of order, attacking, etc. My only advice there is to never let your temper get the better of you, which is advice I seem unable to take myself and spend most of my time either biting my lip to stop myself from saying what I want to ARSEHOLE!!!!! or else blurting it out and ending up getting burnt and demonised.

Same, Curtis, its not a game you can ever win . It wouldn't bother me if it was a genuine oversight on his part, but I know its deliberate, which makes me angry.

Biting your tongue to stop yourself from saying anything happens too often, and gives you a hurt tongue too.

Thanks for the messages everyone. I'm back home now, they only kept me in overnight. Luckily the pneumonia isn't as bad as last time...I just hope the recovery period reflects that!

FW is pissing me off already. He texted me while I was in hospital to say as I was ill he'd cancel the mediation session booked for Friday. I had to email the mediator (thank god for smart phones) and ask her if we just postpone it until next week...my body may be poorly but my mind and determination is fully functioning thank you very much.

There is no underlying health problem...the doctors have checked everything....they can't understand why I keep getting pneumonia....maybe its because my immune system is low due to the continual stress that I am under living in the same house as FW

I might be ill but I'm also furious

Sorry that everyone else is having such a shite time at the moment. I've been managing to dip in here and there but have been really bad at keeping track of everyone's situation. I think we're all like that though aren't we? RL takes over sometimes....The great thing about this thread is that you know someone who understands, and cares, will be reading...

Bertie, I'm being chucked off the computer by DS1 (it's not to play games, long story...), but just wanted to send you even more get well wishes, and glad to hear you're on the ball with FW even in your depleted state. It must be linked to the stress. Look after yourself.

Thanks pony xxx

Blimey FW arrived back with a right face on him. Don't think he likes it that I'm trying to rearrange the mediation session for next week.

This afternoon I looked into the effect of stress on physical health. Low and behold there's a strong link between stress and a lowered immune system. And what the most common secondary illness to stress? Pneumonia...

I rest my case.

Ladies of the jury, I give you exhibit A. Bertie, take care of yourself. Really hope you feel better soon and your FW heads off into the far distant side of Fuck. Why is it never THEM who get ill????

Leclerc sorry to hear your poor DS has both! What a nightmare. Big get well hugs to him. At least he has his lovely Mum to look after him

Bertie, glad to hear you're back home and glad you have that brill mediator on your side through the ongoing stress.

Nini, I don't think I could bear it - all that constant fighting over money. You must be so drained.

trying, hope you are feeling stronger.

Leclerc, your poor LO!

DD3 has been a bit poorly today and slept a bit. I used the time to sort out some paperwork and photocopy some stuff which might be useful when I leave. Tomorrow is 3 weeks since FW went on his work trip and a week and a half still till he returns. I'm really relaxing into it and enjoying it now.

Oh and pony, mortgages are just beyond absurd sometimes, aren't they? When we bought this house, we were told that they wouldn't lend to FW, me and 4 kids, BUT if we discounted me from the situation, leaving FW a single father with 4 kids, then fine, they'd lend to him. I was actually a LIABILITY for saving him childcare costs not to mention all the emotional support and so on. What's that all about? (And why can't you use the same weirdness in reverse to get your house back, FW permitting?!?)

Anyone got any specific guidance as to what documents I need copies of? Feel a bit of a fool when it comes to officialdom and paperworky things...

Leclerc, hope DS feeling better, it's awful seeing them so poorly, especially since it normally coincides with you feeling exhausted at the same time.

Charlotte, that's really strange! Was it quite a few years ago? I don't think they'd do that kind of thing now, it's so strict. And the fact that I'm self-employed doesn't help my situation either, that reduces a mortgage lender's non-existent desire to lend to me as well. But it's all academic anyway, because NSDH wouldn't go for it, not ever.

I'd copy everything, like Leclerc says. You never know what might be useful. There must be a list or something on a thread somewhere on Mumsnet of the stuff to copy. But I'd take a guess at mortgage stuff (with as much detail as possible), bank accounts (look for any interesting deposits or payments), savings accounts, pension stuff, all bills (to show the monthly amount needed).

peaceful and sleepful nights to you and your DS leClerc.

Oh Bertie awful to be so ill. I had pnuemonia at the worst of times when FW still here, convinced Doctor I had to go home and NOT hospital to look after DD couldn't bare thought of her being left with him being stressed!

Charlotte super words to hear 'relaxing into it'... make the most of it, revel in it, it will be this way all the time for you soon!

I was thinking about FW illness Nini and my theory is, for what its worth cos I'm a truly rubbish person and crazy an' all that, have shit for brains and spend my life trying to screw up everyone elses is that because they have their own personal emo and physical punchbags they can regularly relieve their stress, whereas we have to hang onto ours because we worry so about the effect on our DC. Hmmm... ain't that just the truth.

Think I'm gonna start meditating... .ohmmmmmmmm

ForSale how are you my love? Did you call WA? Maybe they can help you have something set up to escape to as soon as kids are better?

Nini I really felt concerned for you in your post where you sounded so down. After my recent bout in hospital, either the drugs or the fw background and being weak or a combination of all, made me feel like I?ve never felt before. Like my head had poked up into an alternative, wasted brown landscape of my life. Is that the sort of place you?re in now? Would it help to PM or talk? Take care.

Maggie how upsetting re estate agents ? as if we don?t feel down enough as it is! I agree with Pony re Gumtree. You may find someone who wants to let part of their house out or something, what with the recession ? not ideal long term but a good stepping stone

Leclec re you poor little boy, bless him. I am glad your ex fw didn?t kick off at him.

Bertie glad you?re back at home and yy re stress causing our illnesses ? no coincidence at all that the fws don?t get sick as you say, shriek! Ommmmmm

Ooh we need a meditation room in the commune - Silver, do you have a suitable dappled-light bathed room?

Charlotte enjoy your wonderful time without fw

Leclerc blimey that's some array of illnesses...you poor thing. I wonder if there's a ratio between the amount of fwittery one is subjected to and the number of stress related illnesses one suffers? You've been through an awful lot so it seems like it might be so...

It's true that (in this house anyway) the stress related illnesses haven't hit FW....the only thing he's told me is that he's sooo stressed by my reaction to his emotional abuse? that he's had to start smoking again.

Yeah right...there was no other choice was there...

Anyway...I'm now facing a good few weeks recovering at home. I'm determined to carry on with the mediation as soon as possible (speaking to mediator tomorrow to rearrange our next session).

I will not let FW use my illness as an excuse to delay everything...or let him take advantage of me or physically and verbally assault me like he did last time I had pneumonia...

Quick me post, fw lurking again today.

Arranging viewings of a few places to live for later this week. Phoned solicitor, have appointment for next week. Ended up sobbing on phone when secretary asked for some specifics and I had to say "my partner is abusive" out loud. As a result did not call WA as need to be coherent and an having some trouble holding it together.
Promise I will call. Just need an hour in the meditation room.

It is lovely and quiet here, we have a field at the back, and a sycamore tree just over the fence. Plenty of dappled light for outdoor meditation in the summer.

Meanwhile, one of the upper rooms with Velux windows with at present clear blue sky would do nicely. Bit too cold for outside atm, we awoke to snow yesterday, though it had all melted by mid morning.

Love and peace to all.