Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Morning, and hugs to all. Don't have much to offer re help with dealing with DC in these situations, as I stuck it out - well, didn't realise what was going on, and he was fine with DC. DS came on Fri - lovely to see him, though didn't get much news from him. But so glad kept this house, as it means he can use it to come home and chill out. And I made a lovely steak and kidney pie! He even put up with me gazing at him in idiotic mother-love style. But one day all you ladies will be rewarded with lovely young adult DC.

Ah Silver that sounds lovely I know, I gaze adoringly at my kids, they tend to look at me in annoyance and say "What???"!

BTW noticing how the festive smileys are spelt fsmile, fgrin etc.... should we not have an fwit? I wonder how that would configure.....A big sulky face with a tongue sticking out and a festive hat falling to one side ?

Haha trying, brilliant idea - time to campaign MNHQ, methinks!

Hi ladies, reading with interest. It is so difficult when you're worrying about the effect on the kids - I worry that DD will think her Dad is 'normal'. He is very similar to my own Dad, and by God I don't want her making the same mistake I have.

I've managed to get a few free hours while they visit my evil inlaws, so trying to study. He wasn't happy about me not going and managed to get himself very worked up - shouting at DD (who isn't even 2 yet FFS) to 'hurry up' as he'd had a lie-in and they were running late . Then he started throwing things around the car a the wingmirrors were set up to suit me (I drove the car last). I made a point of running him when he arrived at his Nan's - told him it was to check they got there safely as he was so stressed I was worried he'd do something stupid. Two can play mind games, NSDH.

Popped into town and saw the perfect dressing table (been looking for one for ages for our bedroom). It was in a charity shop. I thought about it, and tentatively rang him. I really shouldn't have done. Given his reaction to me suggesting we spend ANY money, and his feelings about furniture in general (wardrobe anyone? The trigger that sparked him hitting me in April - and we still don't have one). He wasn't impressed, but said ok. Now I think I really can't be bothered, what's the point. He'll only complain about it.

No xmas smilies for me I'm afraid, really not in the xmassy mood. And we've had the annual argument about when the xmas decs should go up. I suggested next weekend as we're away both weekends after. He said they should go up a few days before xmas.

And round and round the circle goes. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. And not even any couples counselling to fall back on. Trying to get myself back up on my feet and be upbeat but finding it hard.

that should be 'ringing', not running. Sorry.

Ex didn't want the decs up till christmas Eve. This included not buying the tree till the last minute if left to him. One Christmas Eve I got the tree from our local garage, loaded into the car with help from garage man, I was dressed as the Mad Hatter as had been to work party - at the time I worked p/t in a hospice.

If we had guests coming he wouldn't help blitz clean the house, he would find some decorating project to do at the last minute.

And remember, Ex wasn't working (much). Another year I was working full time and he was at home, kids wanted a Playstation, so did all the other kids in the country, I thought I could leave it to him, after all he had the time, cue me dashing round fruitlessly at the last minute, and arrival of Playstation sometime in Jan.

I shall stop now though could go on forever. Have to say he did step up some years, when my Christmas phobia kicked in.

DS has gone now, he slept a lot while here, and watched Friends, it was like old times - only much better

Hi all, haven't been posting in a while but have been semi lurking when I get a chance. Life has been busy and reasonably ok, fuckwittery-wise. He saw a counsellor for a while himself and it seemed to help. I knew things would degenerate again though and boy they have, with a bang.
Sorry in advance for the me post.

Just over a week ago, he went out on some errands in the early afternoon. He never came home. Well he did, at 9am the following morning. He had been drinking for god knows how long and "fell asleep on so and so's sofa". I don't think he was with and OW or anything like that, he just partied too hard to think of his family - oh he did tell me via text that he was in the pub and had met so and so and would be home in half an hour (at about 8pm)..

So I went off on one completely for about ten minutes, then afterr I had calmed down I pointed out sensibly that he had disrespected me and his children, that he had treated us as if we didn't matter and if he didn't care about us and that he had acted selfishly. He agreed, grovelled a bit and apologised profusely.

We then went away for a week with the kids. I was still furious but trying to be positive. While we were away, FOUR TIMES he disappeared at some stage in the day or early evening and didn't come until late at night, drunk.
On the first of the nights, I locked him out and threw his clothes outside. He managed to force a window open and threatened me verbally. So I didn't lock him out again. In between, he tried to be nice and "spend quality time" with me, but obv I wasn't exactly warm to that suggestion so he would storm off again and end up going drinking.

I think my tipping point was on the last night when he came back drunk and said to our 4 year old "I am going to kill mummy and bury her on an island where nobody can find her because she is a stupid fucking c*nt".
So that's it. I don't think I can sink any lower than that. We are home now and he is all "we will go for counselling" but also "you make me so angry, you rile me, you are so frustrating, you are so stupid, you don't listen to me, etc etc". I don't even know what to say to him. He completely denies saying the above to our 4 yr old (our older child was also in the room, but he actually addressed the comment to the younger one).

So I suppose I just needed to vent, I can't tell anyone IRL what went on in the last week, I would be mortified. I need to get my head around what next.
I have no clarity at the moment due to tiredness (can't sleep much) and also the kids are ill which doesn't help. I wish he would just fucking leave. [cry]

Blimey Forsale don't apologise. That's appalling. You clearly need some sleep (is there a specific reason you can't, or 'just' the situation?), focus on that at the moment, it's so hard to think when you are tired.

ForSale that is horrendous. And scary. You poor thing. And with so much going on with ill dcs and tiredness. Sorry, I'm not helping - but am thinking of you, fwiw. (((un-mumsnetty but fairly ea-thready hugs)))

Thank you Shriek for that abundance of information about the dc concerns. The teeth-grinding has gone on since she was at most 4; I never thought of asking the dentist about it. DD1 had another accident last night - she just repeated, "Daddy acts like it's my fault," (still playing on her mind, even though Daddy is far from home and has no idea of this accident) and I said, "Well, most of the rest of the world would disagree with him - you don't really believe him about that, do you?" She seemed happy with that! I think I will speak to my doctor about my concerns about them all.

Interesting what you say about doing art and craft stuff. They love it, do it all the time, but I tend to get annoyed by the mess and haven't prioritised displaying the results for a while. Must do that some more. (And in any case will have drawers and drawers for all the materials and works in progress in the new house. )

Back in hospital with pneumonia again

hey Charlotte aw good that she is happier about it, once the tension goes.... yeah throw yourself and the kids into some fun art, enjoy yourselves together and sod the mess, even better how about hand painting, making shapes from painting noses and pushing onto paper, just try anything its all such fun and exploration whilst feeling safe. taking them all to the docs mite be the way to reveal all for their sakes - it'll probably be pretty obvious if you just set out their symptoms.

Oh, ForSale, what a f'ing wa'ker quite frankly. How cruel to you and the kids to speak like that to you, just for starters. Just flabbergasted at hugely abnormal behaviour. Sounds like you're not just taking it tho, but do wonder what YOU have to be mortified at? I would think so if you behaved that way, but you realise the difference between him doing and you, right? Agree with LeClerc nothing to lose, only gains. What if he does love you or you him, nothings worth that to my mind. Whats your plan?
Hopes for good sleep for you all tonight.

Peaceful sleep and strength for all tonight with dreams of xmas trees, peace & happiness. xxx lots of hugs all round xx

just for nini had meant to say sorry to hear you feeling blue. Maybe time to do it differently which would break those rounds and rounds in circles. What could you do to make it different? Might be time for some straight lines.

take care and hope you wake with some new ideas for a different world fo ryou all ((hugs))

ooops not 'all of you', shoud read 'both of you' xx

Forsale that sounds awful. Sympathy and much compassion to you. And to you nini love. And Bertie really sorry you are poorly. I sympathise very much as I am just now beginning to feel better (fingers x'd) from my bout in hospital. Please do look after yourself, lovey and take as much time as possible to rest. Do you have any RL support?

Quick post as fw is about.
Can't sleep as kids and now I have bronchitis, so broken sleep with coughing etc. also lying awake thinking about my options.
Will call Womens aid today, get some advice and make an appointment to see a solicitor this week.
Have a list of the bills that are in my name and will start transferring them to him.
If the kids were well I'd leave for a few days to get head space but I won't move them or leave them right now.
Thanks for the support. Feeling very numb but quite clear headed, despite exhaustion and illness.
Get well soon Bertie x

I took an evening off from the computer last night, and am so sorry to hear of everyone's troubles.

Bertie - oh no! Focus on getting better, hope you're doing ok.

Nini - I so, so feel for you. You sound hopeless. You really, really need to look after yourself or your just going to sink lower and lower. I know you've said before that it's not possible to just go right now, but please, take another look - it might cost a lot of money that you don't have, but would that be better than you being utterly, utterly miserable for a lot longer, and DD seeing you being like that? Take care of yourself hun.

Leclerc - to his 'full and frank disclosure', but not at all . How did the kids get on with him this weekend? Hope DS2's tonsils are ok, that's a horrible thing to get.

Forsale - I was genuinely mouth-opened in shock at what your FW said about you to your children (and I've read a lot of horrible, FWitty stuff on here). You could report that to the police, it's threatening behaviour. A 4-year-old can understand and take that kind of comment in, and it will be on their mind I'd imagine. How would you feel about just visiting the local station and talking to them about what he's been like and what he's now said? A solicitor could possibly get him removed, so you could stay there with your kids and not worry about moving them if they're unwell. Hope it goes well when you speak to WA.

Charlotte - I'm the same with crafty stuff, it's not my forte at all, but when we have done it we've enjoyed it.

Trying - glad you're feeling better, hope FW isn't being too FWitty.

Hi all, sending get well wishes to all those that are sick, hope you are back on your feet soon x

Forsale I think our FWs were separated at birth stay strong.

I am back in my black hole today yesterday had the day from hell with FIL etc, had to go out for lunch and the DC played up really badly. Then last night had to write my uncles eulogy speech for my mum to read at his funeral, she isn't so good at that type of thing so I always help but emotional draining you know? Then this morning have had wonderful contact with the estate agents (NOT) they basically told me in so many words that a single mother of 2 kids under 4 years old and who would be on benefits, however brief would not be welcomed by any of their landlords. EPIC. Now this avo have FWs grandma and her manfriend coming to visit-until wednesday- as well as FIL etc also being in town. Double EPIC. Wanted to start getting my stuff into stortage but don't know if I should yet seeing as its going to be so hard to find a new house here. All round shit day!

And the cherry on the cake.....FWs car has broken down....he is walking home now with the food shopping (which I am not allowed to do) so it doesn't defrost. Of course this car trouble will be all my fault probably even though I've never even driven his car! Triple EPIC! Hope you are all doing ok!

Oh, Maggie, how thoroughly depressing. Was this an estate agent near your mum's house? I've forgotten if you've said whether it would be possible to live with your mum for a bit.