Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Charlottecollins - it made me chuckle that your rants reference come after my rant :)

Foolonthehill - I know you're right about the 'never going to get it right, no matter what' I'm just trying to get on and get out when I can.

At the moment I can barely move with SPD - I have physio on Friday so I'm hoping that will help. I will also be on maternity leave after this week (am still struggling into work as its not a bad in the mornings) and will have somewhere to go in the new year (that he doesn't know about)

He is going away in January on a business trip thing which will be the perfect opportunity to go as it's for a whole week. He is 'self employed' so it's come it of his pocket (he's very tight) and he will definitely go.

He won't be expecting me to do anything but stay at home like a good mummy with the DC so it'll be a massive surprise. (This gives me something to look forward to on more than one level!)

Re: the physical stuff, he has a lot to lose now and he has always chosen to be violent before I think, particularly when he's been feeling hopeless, so at the moment he's choosing not to be. I know this doesn't make me safe because he could change his mind again but he couldn't cope with the police/charges etc last time and ended up having a mental breakdown (because of the effect it was having on him and his life - boo hoo!) and he is scared (for himself) about it happening again as the 'business' is all he has and that would be completely ruined.
*maybe I'm being very naive though and am happy to be given a reality check!

X posted

He hasn't been physical since the court case was dropped but I'm always wary.

Deep down I think he does love the DC but is so wrapped up in himself he always comes first. I can't tell you how angry I am about the bathing thing. It sounds trivial but it could effect the healing process and to me it's just another example of him not listening and putting other things before the DC.

I might be able to get my brother to be there when I ask him to leave although I suspect my brother might want to do him some damage himself (I know it's not the answer!) as he's so angry about everything.

My mum and brother both know about the violence in the past and he court case and my mum came up from 400 odd miles away to help me move house while he was on bail (she isn't in the best of health but really came through for me) but I don't think it would be a good idea for her to be here either. Best friend has moved to the other side of the world otherwise I'd definitely be able to count on her.

I live in a really small village so it might actually be better for me to move and just leave the deposit.

Sorry, I feel like I've hijacked the thread.

Sometimes it's your turn...hijacking the thread is obligatory!!!

I think you should move out too...quicker, cleaner and so much easier to keep him away.

Don't tell him, stick to plan A and just go.

He loves the DC as possessions...as part of himself but not in the selfless, non-entitled way that is necessary to bring up children well, and not in a way that makes him safe. he is not deaf, he is not stupid, any reasonable person would not put a new wound in/near water...he chose to do this, he is keeping you in your place and what better way than through the children and your spd.

His benefit of the doubt ran out long ago.

And yes, you are right, he could decide that today is the day he does not "decide not to be violent" abusers are in control, they don't "lose it" they are not in a red rage, they do what they "need" to to keep us where they want us.

they do love us in a possessive, inverted kind of way, and believe their own propaganda. Don't be sucked in.

keep that anger, it will give you the energy to get out.

PS you are how many weeks with DC3??? Can you afford to wait until January?

You are right about the possession thing - he loves to show off about his darling dC but when it boils down to practicalities he doesn't match up to the hype he creates. He always comes first.

The anger is well and truly there, believe me. It's fuelling me on!

DC3 is due in January and, strange as it seems, I am physically in such a mess at the moment I think it will be easier to go when they're here. Everything seems to slot into place just right in January, including him goin away. The person I can move in with is a family friend of my mum's and I know she'll be a great support (plus the kids love her!)

Poche, how are you doing this morning?

Another thing to add to the mix - I know you are in a lot of pain now, but what if you end up having to have a caesarean, and can't therefore get away after the baby is born? I think you'll be in a very vulnerable position with a small baby, sleep-deprived, hormones, plus two other DCs to look after. You'll be at his mercy, and he'll know it.

I completely understand what you mean about January seeming like a good time to go, with him being away, but I'm just so aware that it's nearly another two months away and a lot could happen, a lot could change with your plan, and he could do a lot of emotional (and maybe physical) damage to you in that time.

Well, you're heading in the right direction to meet someone like that in the future, Leclerc. You jumped out as soon as you saw things clearly enough to be able to make that decision. ((Hugs)) and .

Not in the same scale as Maggie's brave conversation with the doctor yesterday, but I spoke to my pastor this morning and he was absolutely brilliant. He had to adjust his mental image of NSDH quite dramatically, but he issued no platitudes and made no crass suggestions of how I could improve things. He's totally supportive. What a star! Another weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Aw Leclerc. It's hard. You deserve so much better than the treatment you've had. Be kind to yourself. Hope you're feeling less down now.

Charlotte, another real step forward, and another voice of validation for you. Really glad your pastor came through for you, that's another support you have as well. What a week for you!

I've heard nothing more from NSDH since his email last night. I haven't yet replied to it - I've written a reply, mainly quoting a couple of passages from Lundy about the signs that an abuser isn't changing and how if he's committed to change he will be open to hearing your ongoing concerns about his behaviour, etc (ie all the things he isn't doing right now, despite what he thinks ), but I haven't sent it. I don't want it to invoke another vitriolic response, and I'm not actually sure what good it would do. But it feels weird to not respond at all, and I'm a little apprehensive about making things more difficult for myself with him by being seen to ignore what he's saying even more than he's said I already have. If I don't reply, then in all likelihood the first time we'll be in any kind of contact will be when he picks up DS2 on Saturday morning, which will be all awkward (again). This evening I've veered between being absolutely sure that I should send a response of some kind, and then not being able to. indecisionsRus.com

Pony - I'm really uncomfortable about your idea of showing him bits of Lundy's book - isn't that said to be playing into his hands and giving him more to attack/confuse you with? You could ask him to describe incidents in which he's hurt you in the past and explain how he was wrong, as evidence of this wonderful progress he's claiming. Or something else from Lundy's list of signs an abuser really is changing. I'd also be tempted to say it's great to see how effectively he communicates by email, as it takes the pressure off meeting in person! :o

And describing what impact his past behaviour has had on the girls he's so protective of now would be a useful exercise, too.

'I'm MR NICE GUY' dontcha know, 'I've got a responsible job' cross out and read 'I ABUSE WOMEN' and 'I AM FUCKING PATHETIC ARSEHOLE' hhhhhaaaaaa bloooodyy hhhhaaaa! If you don't do as I tell you I will just shout louder and louder until you damn well do but the neighbours didn't like it and it worried them so the police came to send me home

Soothing hugs to all you valiant ladies (and me), all being battered physically and emotionally.

I have been lurking and reading how you are all getting on, but had very stressful week this week, with many things financial, emotional, technological, and weather related!.. oh, of course and not forgetting the FWittery.

Keep safe ladies and your precious babies, stay out of harms way and take care.

Maggie! wow! well done. pony think that email could have been from any one of the FWs it sounded so familiar. and thats the thing.. its not personal, they are FW patterns, they will treat anyone like this.
... and to heavily pregnant lady needing to flee please excuse my terrible memory for the unfamiliar names [to me], my heart goes out to you. Are you all alone? Someone will hide you surely, I know of some who used to hide ladies and their children I can find out if they have space, no one would know, and you wouldn't have to lie in a dark room at the top of all those stairs in fear. I hope that you are out now and you and your babies safe. No more risks for you or them, peace.

pony I wouldn't reply. He will only answer with something else that messes with your head. (Mainly going by what I've seen on here)

Pony

How about

"I received your text. Thank you for sharing your current thoughts with me. I understand what you have said/are saying. from pony"

since he is only interested in himself he may well be happy!!

The above was written last night, MN was off-line and my browser re-sent it.

Hi Shreik, sounds like you've had a bit of a time of it.

Leclerc - I suspect you are right, no matter what approach I take it's wrong unless he decides it's right (IFYSWIM).

Charlotte - I know, you're right, but am feeling at the end of my tether, so frustrated that he's still not getting it after all this time, and I know in truth that sending him another email wont make him 'get it'. I wouldn't have said what book it was from, it was literally just a couple of relevant paragraphs. I know that if I asked him to give me some examples and say how they were wrong, he'd refuse, he'd say he's already said he knows how he behaved was wrong (although didn't go into specific episodes), and he's not having me control him like that (which is more or less what he's said before, like when I gave him the take-away chapters from Lundy's SISOSIG and asked him to do that work).
Although, having just reminded myself of these chapters, I've just taken another look at them. I might send them to him again instead, since they do a combination of what you are suggesting I ask him to do and what I'm trying to say to him. Thanks, lovely!!!!

Hey Shriek, sounds like you've had a week of it - did that happen recently, with the police taking him away? Hope you're doing ok, whenever it was and have some nice restful stuff planned for the weekend.

Silver - thanks, I know you are right, and that's my fear too. My head is messed by what he's said (because, despite the fact I can see it plain as day in other FW's emails, when it's my own I take it on board, half believe it, worry that I am being a bitch, etc).

Having said that, I think fool's suggestion is great, might do that (covers the bases of being seen to be responding and acknowledging, and doesn't say anything contentious).

Pony I think we'd all hold up our hands to that one, that it is very easy to detect abuse (emails/letters/words/behaviour) from other people, and to help others through with great advice about their abuse situation, but those in it, like us, struggle to see our abuser's actions as being that, and have spent so many years listening (to what we HAD thought was a reasonable, kind, generous, gentle person) telling us how we were WRONG, MAD, BAD, RUBBISH, we doubt ourselves and can't separate out the words they say from the reality. Its just a case of how far down the line we are and whether we have more clarity about that one day than another. Why being here is so brilliant to reinforce the clarity for us.

Poche I have seen your name again now! sorry bout that. and hope that you can bring yourself to consider fleeing earlier rather than later? (if you havn't already). I remember heavily pregnant stage feeling more 'rooted to the spot' than any other time in my live; for me it would have gone against all my near birth instincts to be firmly rooted in preparation. But in the right place with space to just be with your babies in quiet and peace with the right background support you can feel in control again and ready for the new birth to come. Once wonderful people realise your dire circumstances they will want to help and wish a better life for you (like LeClerc)

thanks for words to support ladies; conflicted right now, trying to find my 'line in the sand'.

ooops - 'gone against all my near birth instincts to NOT be firmly rooted...' hope that makes sense!?

charlotte you are the 'star' for 'admitting' it to someone. Normal people want to respond in this way, and accept that this can happen and is very real / serious. Its only us I it seems that are not sure how serious it is.